IF YOU'RE ANYTHING like me, you're currently in "a lot of trouble." In fact, "a lot of trouble" is usually my normal state of being. For example, I'm currently in a lot of trouble for a number of reasons, which include, but are not limited to: (1) drag racing, (2) bear baiting, (3) wife/girlfriend stealing, (4) boyfriend/husband stealing, (5) staging unauthorized nude gladiator battles, (6) art theft, (7) statutory flirting (emphasis on "flirting"), (8) lewd and lascivious behavior (use your imagination), (9) fight clubbing, and (10) driving/skateboarding/biking/riding-in-a-shopping-cart under the influence of drugs and/or alcohol.
However! If you're in "a lot of trouble" as much as I am, then you already know the number-one defense to employ, which surprisingly works at least half the time: the "I DIDN'T KNOW" defense.
"Mr. Humpy, kidnapping chimpanzees from the zoo is illegal in this state." Really? I DIDN'T KNOW. "Mr. Humpy, driving a dune buggy through a national park while hunting humans with a crossbow violates several federal statutes." No way. Are you sure? I DIDN'T KNOW. "Mr. Humpy, it's illegal to practice law without a license!" I object, your honor! On the grounds of I DIDN'T KNOW.
The I DIDN'T KNOW excuse is especially useful to the women featured in I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant (TLC, Wed, 8 pm)—a new show that recounts the stories of women who, for one reason or another, didn't know they were knocked up until a baby came flying out of their vaginal slip 'n' slide.
Now, as you know, I've impregnated a lot of people. And not to brag, but when I impregnate somebody, they KNOW they've been impregnated. Because I impregnate the shit out of them. However, the ladies on this show were apparently impregnated by a lesser man than I, because they claim to be COMPLETELY OBLIVIOUS to their sudden weight gain, spontaneous vomiting, and the living entity inside their tummies kicking the crap out of their ribcage.
Nevertheless, there are two reasons I love I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant: (1) The bullpoopy reasons these women give for not knowing they were preggo and (2) the "dramatic re-creations" in which the victims waddle around for nine months not having their periods and then rush to the hospital where they're shocked to find a gurgling baby head sticking out of their coochie.
Now, okay, I suppose it's possible that a woman could go through months of prenatal torment and not realize a bun was baking in her oven (like maybe if she were in a coma or Amish). But this isn't the occasional comatose Amish gal we're talking about—this is an ENTIRE TV SEASON of pregnant Amish girls in comas! Therefore, with the evidence in front of us, we have no choice but to suspect that every woman reading this column right now could unknowingly be pregnant! Even worse, one could also reasonably suspect that my sperm has somehow been sneaking into my column, onto the printed page, and then hopping off to gangbang your ovaries. If this is what you believe, then, madam, I can utter only one defense: I DIDN'T KNOW!!