Jeremy Eaton

Did you ever stop to think that Casper the Friendly Ghost is actually a dead toddler? I hate to bum out all you fans of classic cartoons, but C'MON! There's no way Casper could've been more than four or five years old when he perished and became an adorable poltergeist. And what did he die of, anyway? Car crash? Abusive drunken father? My bet is leukemia. I'll tell you what: If I died of leukemia at age four, I wouldn't be skipping around acting all friendly. I would be at YOUR house, howling like a banshee, writing "MURDER" on your walls in blood, and scaring the poop directly into your pants.

Wait. Come to think of it, I'm starting to doubt that Casper is "friendly" at all. In fact, I think his so-called "friendliness" is actually a mask for behavior that is clearly passive aggressive. Internally, Casper is super pissed that he died of leukemia at such a young age and is therefore expressing his anger by pretending to be nice. That's why when he pops out of nowhere, and we soil our undergarments while screaming, "A g-g-g-g-GHOST!!!!" he can act like he's the victim and make us feel guilty for having a totally normal (i.e., horrified) reaction!

Look, Casper! I don't care if you did die of leukemia—YOU'RE A DICK! And if I happen to drop dead tomorrow following a cocaine-fueled semi-nude gladiator battle (a more distinct possibility than one would imagine), I sure as shit won't be mincing around the netherworld and boo-hooing, "Awww... nobody wants to be my fwiend." I'll be flying around Dick Cheney's mansion, unapologetically scaring the crap out of everyone in attendance, and banging the ghost of Farrah Fawcett on his desktop! BOOYAH!!

Anyway. Halloween is just around the corner, and here are some ghostly specials debuting on TV this week. So eff you, Casper.

Ghost Town (Syfy, Sat Oct 24, 9 pm). When unsuspecting teens (my favorite kind) take a wrong turn and wind up in a ghost town presided over by actual ghosts, horror and feces-splattered underpants ensue.

Celebrity Ghost Stories (Bio, Sat Oct 24, 11 pm). Tom Arnold, C. Thomas Howell, Dee Snider, Carnie Wilson, and other so-so celebs recall spooky encounters including coming face to face with the ghosts of their now-dead careers. OOH! And don't forget the ghost of Carnie Wilson's liposuction!

Extreme Paranormal (A&E, Mon Oct 26, 10 pm). Three paranormal experts explore the extremely haunted Pennhurst insane asylum, proving not only that ghosts exist but also they are just as annoyed by nerds as the rest of us.

Ghost Lab (DSC, Tues Oct 27, 10 pm). Two brothers travel the country looking for ghosts in their scientifically tricked-out "ghost lab." BOOOOO! I wanted this show to be about scientists who capture ghosts and then dissect them. Or a ghost Labrador retriever. Whatever works.

Toddlers & Tiaras (TLC, Wed Oct 28, 10 pm). Okay, fine. This show about toddlers being forced to participate in whorish beauty pageants isn't about ghosts—YET. But it's only a matter of time before one of the pushy moms drives her daughter to death via suicide. Or leukemia. Whatever works.