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(Lizard) Aliens, Go Home!

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LOOK. I've had it with aliens. And I'm not talking about the nice aliens who come here from other countries, pick my apples, clean Lindsay Lohan's pool, and do all the dirty work the rest of us are too highfalutin to bother with. I'm talking about LIZARD ALIENS! The kind that get into your MIND, man! The kind who would rather convert my body to food than pick me an apple! Those LIZARD ALIENS!

But here's the thing that really pisses me off about lizard aliens (other than converting me to food). They dress up like hot chicks! And then they wait until after I spend $78 wining and dining them at T.G.I. Friday's to hypnotize me into helping them secure high-level government positions. Then they trick me into using my column to convince you that being converted into food really isn't so bad once you get used to it! And frankly—it isn't!

In fact, being converted into food for our lizard masters is actually a perfectly natural, pleasant sensation. First you're lulled into a deep, relaxing sleep. All your troubles drift away as our lizard protectors place you on their plush conveyer belts leading to the "human flesh conversion" factory currently floating above the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco. Ahhh... I've always wanted to visit San Francisco, and... HOLD ON JUST A FAWKING SECOND! THOSE DAMN LIZARDS ARE IN MY BRAIN AGAIN!!

What's that? You don't believe that lizards are crawling around inside my brainpan? And you think this whole "converting humans into lizard food" thing is actually just a deep-rooted psychosexual fantasy? Well... I'm pretty sure you're not right! For proof, check out a new remake of an old TV show debuting this week entitled V (ABC, Tues Nov 3, 8 pm).

As you old-timers may recall, V was a crazy-popular 1983 miniseries starring Marc "I was Beastmaster, muthafuckah!" Singer and some hot '80s chick with really big hair as the hot chick lizard. Beastmaster played a reporter who stumbles upon the alien lizard's dastardly plan (described in rich detail above), which in turn sets off a revolution where the humans wage all-out war to stay out of their scaly oppressors' tummies.

Just to be clear, in the new version of V, there is no Beastmaster. (BOOOOOOO!!!!) However, the new hot chick lizard is waaaay hotter than the old hot chick lizard, because the new hot chick lizard is Morena Baccarin (who played hot prostitute Inara in Joss Whedon's Firefly). And while he may not have been Beastmaster (BOOOO!), the reporter character is Scott Wolf, who played Bailey in Party of Five, which makes me want to cry for some reason.

ANYWAY! The 2009 lizards are just as dickish as the 1983 lizards, and therefore only interested in two things: running up your T.G.I. Friday's bill... and cramming you down their lizard gullets. Which actually isn't so terrible. Their throats are so smooth... so soft. Like plump, downy pillows that are so comfortable, you just want to close your eyes and sleeeeeeep... sleeeeeep... sleeeezzzz... SNKT! SNRK! Whu-WHA? Goddamn you, Lizard! LET ME OUT OF YOUR STOMACH!

Lizard aliens out of my email. steve@portlandmercury.com

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