So I'm eating Thanksgiving dinner alone this year, and the reason why is unimportant. Okay, it may have something to do with being disinvited from my family's annual celebration because I may have gotten super wasted at last year's shindig, showed up with a "marijuana pecan pie," dumped a boiling gravy boat onto Uncle Woody's lap, and got caught by my four-year-old niece in the hall closet petting the genitals of my first cousin. I don't know... something like that... the holidays all run together.
ANYWAY. I was already considering taking a break from the family this year, so this affords me the perfect opportunity to try out a scheme I've been planning for ages: Invite my fave TV characters over for Thanksgiving dinner!
Awesome idea, I know, right? And even better, I'm making it a potluck, which means I don't have to do jack-poop—I just sit on my sweet 'n' juicy™ while a truckload of delicious grub and celebs show up on my doorstep. So are you interested in seeing my guest list so far? Umm... actually, yes you are!
RYAN SEACREST—I'm sorry, but I like Ryan Seacrest. Plus, since he's never turned down a job in his life, he'll happily accept 25 bones to show up. And every time he leaves the room, excuses himself from the table, or whatever, I'll yell, "SEACREST OUT!" He'll think that's funny.
THAT BLACK GIRL FROM THE CAST OF GLEE—I think her name is Mercedes, and NO, I'm not inviting her just to make my dinner "diverse." I'm inviting her because—even though I love the show, and get the glee-tarded tingles every time I watch it—I kinda hate 'em all, and Mercedes is the one I hate the least. Besides, what if I invited Glee coach Will Schuester and he started white rapping? (Urgh. Glee-tarded tingles.)
JOAN FROM MAD MEN—Are you kidding me? Are you freaking kidding me? Why do I have to even defend that statement? You certainly don't invite Don Draper to any party, unless you want your booty-tapping quotient to drop by 97.9 percent. And I'm not inviting Roger Sterling, because he's funnier than me. That's why the only clear choice is office manager Joan, because (a) she has a body that would make Christ hop off the cross, (b) her organizational skills would ensure that we don't eat all the pot brownies and pass out before the main course, and (c) as we saw in this season of Mad Men, she knows how to tie a tourniquet, which could come in handy if I decide to accidentally chop off someone's foot while speeding through the living room on a lawnmower. Just an idea at this point... but still.
JON AND KATE, FORMERLY OF JON & KATE PLUS EIGHT—Rule number one for any successful dinner party: Always invite two people who HATE each other, but don't tell them that the other will be in attendance. So even if your dinner is straight up Dullsville, USA, the two sworn enemies will get drunk and provide enough dramatic sparks/violence to make your event unforgettable. Hint: Be sure that at least one of them has quick access to the turkey fork.