Jeremy Eaton

Let's get one thing clear: I love the Italians. I love their booshy mustaches. I love their "spicy meatballs." I love their mafia. I'm not a huge fan of their dressing... I prefer "ranch." I love their Cher in Moonstruck. I love their Pizza Hut. I love their "Mama Mia" (not the movie, but the song from ABBA—AND YES, I KNOW THEY AREN'T ITALIAN). And I love their way of running all their words together, like "fuggedaboutit" and "wassamattayou?" and "supercalifragilisticexpialidocious."

Unfortunately the Italians (WHOM I LOVE) can be a weeeeeeeeee bit touchy when TV stereotypes them. And I hear where you're coming from, Italians! As a native of Alabama, I am so furious about the constant stream of stereotypical "hillbilly" images on television, it's nearly impossible to concentrate on mating with this pig. In fact, I'm so angry, I'm tempted to put down my moonshine, and ask my sister wife (and cousin wife) to write an angry missive to the networks (since I ain't got enough learnin' to know my letters yet).

Therefore I understand you are upset by the new MTV reality show debuting this week, Jersey Shore (Thurs Nov 3, 10 pm). For the uninitiated, Jersey Shore is like The Real World for young Italian douchebags. It features eight "guidos"—their stereotype, not mine—living in a beach house on the Jersey Shore doing stereotypical guido things, such as applying copious amounts of hair products, drinking, fighting, working on their abs, exhibiting armpit stains, having sex, working on their tans... and I mentioned applying hair products, right?

Perhaps unsurprisingly, the show has upset the Italian American organization UNICO, who thinks Jersey Shore should be cancelled because it "relies on crude stereotypes and highlights cursing, bad behavior, and violence." But it's not just Italians who are offended! The year-round residents of the Jersey Shore are angry too, claiming these "guidos" are actually from New York State, and are entirely unwelcome in the area. Or as one Jersey native commenting on MTV's website bluntly put it, "MTV sucks! The real show should be how the locals kick the **** out of all the guidos every summer. There [sic] a bunch of **** **** them and **** MTV. Jersey doesn't need this ****." (People from Jersey kind of talk funny, don't they?)

HOWEVER! Here's one thing to remember: If there's one truth we all hold to be self-evident, it's that REALITY SHOWS ARE NEVER, EVER "REAL." Without a single exception, reality shows are fakier than Fakey McFakerson pretending to be the grand marshal of the Fakeytown's Annual Fake Orgasm Parade. And while there certainly may be a number of abdominally obsessed, hair product-loving douchebags in the world, they don't speak for an entire region or culture, any more than Hogan's Heroes is an accurate depiction of Nazi war camps. (For that I watch The Hills.)

In addition, Jersey Shore looks HILARIOUS—so follow this advice: Temporarily drop your disdain for stereotypes, pop open a jug of moonshine, and enjoy this trashy show with your wife/sister/first cousin and your pig/lover/dinner. That's my plan, anyway.