[Hey readers! The following Xmas column from last year is possibly the most controversial thing I've ever written, other than when I said, "The Beatles suck." (Which they do.) I got tons of nasty emails and complaints—so why am I rerunning it? Because while I may be unnecessarily mean-spirited, I also happen to be 100 percent right. So enjoy this I Love Television™ Holiday Classic™ and sorry for ruining Christmas. Again.—Humpy]
"Christmas." Perhaps the big kahuna of all Christian holidays, am I right? And a big part of this celebration is watching assloads of Christmas specials, movies, and creepy Rankin/Bass wooden-puppet shows on television, am I right? And Christians, generally speaking, hate the occult or any sort of thaumaturgy, devilment, or bewitchery, am I right? These rhetorical questions are really getting annoying, am I right?
Knowing that you agree with every item of the previous questionnaire, I believe I can make the following statement with some certainty: Christians are big fat liars, because actually, they LOVE the occult.
Take Santa Claus for example. Christians heart Santa, and yet? According to the creepy Rankin/Bass wooden-puppet special Santa Claus Is Comin' to Town, Santa uses magic beans obtained from the Winter Warlock to make his reindeer fly, as well as a magical crystal ball to see if children are being "naughty" or "nice." Or what about Frosty the Snowman? Slap a demonic hat on his head, and suddenly he's marching around yelling "Happy Birthday!" and spitting in the face of non-Satanists. Or how about It's a Wonderful Life, where Jimmy Stewart thinks he's never been born after a magic angel makes him eat some hallucinogenic "Zuzu petals." (At least I think that's how it goes. I haven't seen it in a while.)
Anyway, that shit is the OCCULT, yo. And Christians eat that stuff up! "But Humpy!" I hear you cry. "While it's certainly true Christians despise the occult, it's the birth of Christ—not Santa or Frosty—that provides the true meaning of Christmas." Well, Mr./Ms. Smarty-Pants, I'm glad you brought that up—but you won't be, because I'm about to blow a huge hole in your theory. As it turns out, Christians are big fans of the occult because BABY JESUS WAS A WITCH!
That's right, I said it! Adorable little Baby Jesus was (at least on the inside) an ugly, hooknose witch with magical, occult-ish powers. Where did I learn this information? Oh, just from THE BIBLE. Exhibit A: Baby Witch Jesus becomes a fetus and magically inserts himself inside a virgin. Exhibit B: Baby Witch Jesus has magical control over stars, choosing one in particular to follow him around Bethlehem. Exhibit C: Baby Witch Jesus grows up to be Big Witch Jesus at which point he walks on water, cures a number of ailments (including leprosy, blindness, and dropsy), calms storms, changes water into wine, and raises people from the dead (including himself). Is he a "good" witch? THAT'S NOT THE POINT! Christians are WITHOUT EXCEPTION supposed to pooh-pooh the occult—and Baby Witch Jesus is the occult-iest of them all!
I rest my case. And now if you'll excuse me, I'm late for getting struck by lightning.