Jeremy Eaton

Question: Where does one go to buy a kid? I've searched the internet—eBay and Craigslist—but so far, all I've got for my trouble are visits from the police and that smarmy dude from NBC's To Catch a Predator. Wait. Did that dude think I was a predator? WELL, I MOST CERTAINLY AM NOT! I mean, I am a predator; I'm just not a child predator. I'm like the predator in the movie Predator—except I'm not ugly or invisible, and instead of running around the jungle trying to kill Carl Weathers, I run around town trying to score 'tang.

Adult 'tang.

So if it will keep the pigs off my back, I'll say the words out loud: I have absolutely zero interest in purchasing a child off the internet for sexual purposes. I need one for monetary purposes. And before you start with the "nag nag nag" about "kids are not a commodity," just remember this: In pre-industrial societies, children were created for two reasons: (1) to provide additional farmhands for the farmer, and (2) to make the farmer's penis feel better. (NO, I'm not calling the farmer a pedophile! I meant that when the farmer scored 'tang from his wife, his penis would feel better! JEEZ, YOU PEOPLE!)

So anyway, if you could help me find a kid to purchase, that would be great. And not just any kid, either. It needs to be a genius. See, there's this new game show debuting on Fox this week entitled Our Little Genius (Wed Jan 13, 9:15 pm), which is just like Who Wants to be a Millionaire? except the kid is the contestant and the parents keep all the money! WOOT NOW!

Hosted by that one guy in The Usual Suspects (not Keyser Söze... the other one), Our Little Genius challenges kidiot savants to answer increasingly difficult questions in an effort to win big money for their families. Meanwhile, the parents are sitting right behind the kids, smiling uncomfortably as they slowly start to realize their entire financial future is dependent on whether or not their nine-year-old knows the capital of Bulgaria. SO NO PRESSURE, RIGHT?

See, that's why it's more ethically responsible for me to just buy the kid. I'll take him on the show (did I mention it needs to be a boy? There may be math questions), and if he wins me a million bucks? That's great! I'll split the winnings with him 60–40 (because I'm 60 percent taller than he is) and send him back to the orphanage or whatever. However, on the off chance he loses, I won't be like those other parents who have to pretend they're not MONUMENTALLY DISAPPOINTED (even though my parents never bothered pretending... sniff). I would simply look him in the eye and say, "You screwed up, kid! You owe me $10,000." (The price I paid for him originally. [Actually, I only paid $4,000—but he doesn't know that, right?]) And if he doesn't pay up? I'll sell him on the internet! (No, not for sex! To a pre-industrial farmer! JEEZ, YOU PEOPLE!)