Art by Jeremy Eaton

CONFIDENTIAL TO "YOU": As of right now, being "you" is no longer good enough. Sure, back in the olden days (anytime before now), it was completely acceptable for "you" to have a single boring personality. However, today's modern society dictates that "you" need a "twist" of some sort to be interesting to the rest of us. Take my phone for example. I rarely, if ever, use it for such pedestrian means as "calling people." However, I do use it for its "twists": shooting video, finding directions, tweeting, storing my complete Debbie Gibson collection in one convenient place, as well as a quick and satisfying provider of porn.

Speaking of which, excuse me while I go to the restroom.

I'm back. (Told you it was quick.) Where was I? OH YEAH! "Twists!" I also demand that my television shows have a "twist" of some sort. Sitcoms that revolve around a fat father trying to manage his naggy (but hot) wife and smart-mouth kids? No, thanks! However, if that same fat father had a deep, dark twist—say training his family to be Al Qaeda suicide bombers—now you're talking my language! (P.S. I do not support terrorism.)

Obviously you need further examples, and television has provided us with an entire week of new shows filled with twisty-turnys! Such as...

Paranormal Cops (A&E, Tues Jan 19, 10:30 pm). Let's face it: Shows about cops busting criminals are BOOOORING! However, when a gang of actual off-duty Chicago policemen start busting ghosts? Shirtless meth addicts of the afterlife: You're officially on notice!

Human Target (Fox, Sun Jan 17, 8 pm). Another show about a human? SNORE! But wait, here's the twist: This guy is a human target! Christopher Chance is a security guard for hire who promises to get killed—so you don't have to! (And take it from me, getting killed takes a huge chunk out of one's day.)

Life Unexpected (CW, Mon Jan 18, 9 pm). While you might think this is your normal "heartwarming family drama," here's the twist! According to the press release, Life Unexpected is a cross between Juno and Gilmore Girls. (For me, that's like a cross between stabbing my eye out with a rusty screwdriver and a metal knitting needle.)

Pit Boss (Animal Planet, Sat Jan 16, 9 pm). (Twist 1) Shorty Rossi is a little person. (Twist 2) He spent 10 years in prison. (Twist 3) He now runs a little person talent agency, as well as (Twist 4) a pit bull rescue organization staffed by little people. Oh. And (Twist 5) he's kind of a dick. HE'S "PIT BOSS!" Okay, so that's a pretty good idea for a show. All it needs is just a few more twists. How about this: (Twist 6) Not only does he rescue pit bulls, he coats them with glue and pink cotton balls and sells them as poodles. (Twist 7) When they're not rescuing pit bulls, the little people are standing on each other's shoulders, wearing a long coat, and trying to convince chicks they're Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. And (Twist 8) Shorty's not really short—HE'S TALL!!

(Didn't see that coming, did ya?)