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Rise, Robots, Rise!

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SO TELL ME... what did robots ever do to YOU? They must have done something, because you trust robots just about as far as you can throw them! Did you date a robot in college that ended up sleeping with your roommate? Did a robot sell you a lousy used car? Did a robot promise he would go halfsies on a condominium for an upcoming ski trip, so you put the entire stay on your credit card, but at the last minute the robot came up with some lame excuse for not going like, "Oh, I think I'm coming down with infantigo," and stuck you with the entire bill?

See, I'm pretty sure robots have done NOTHING to you—except maybe make your life a hell of a lot easier. And yet? You, and so many others like you, go on and on about how "robots are taking over the world" and "robots will eventually enslave us" and "robots smell like a cross between hot mustard and sour milk." IT'S NOT FAIR, G-DAMMIT! If anybody should be pissed at robots, it should be the illegal aliens. Robots are stealing their jobs (i.e., the crappy tasks honkies don't want to do)! Robots vacuum my floors, build my cars, and open my cans! Robots deliver spam to my email box, handle my radioactive isotopes, and yes—occasionally provide me with sexual release when YOU'RE too sleepy or have another of your so-called "headaches"!

And yet! YOU—and your Hollywood cronies—continue to slander these brave, selfless automated beings; accusing them of lying in wait Terminator-style for that glorious day when they will eventually rise up, enslave their creators, and crush our puny skulls underneath their cold, metallic toes! This wildly unfair treatment continues this week with the debut of Caprica (SYFY, Fri Jan 22, 9 pm)—the Battlestar Galactica prequel.

As you robot haters undoubtedly recall, BSG tells the story of a world which is destroyed by robots who then chase the survivors across the galaxy. Meanwhile Caprica (penned by BSG creators Ron Moore and David Eick) steps 60 years back in time before the robot apocalypse to explore how their world came to such a sorry state of affairs. Two families (the Adamas and the Graystones) hate each other's stinking guts until an act of terrorism inspires them to team up on artificial intelligence research—research that will eventually lead to the unsettling feeling of cold metallic toes on their face!

Okay, fine... maybe Moore and Eick possibly have a point. Humans often do make the worst choices for the best possible reasons—however, why does this have to interfere with MY sexual satisfaction via robotic means?? It doesn't. We can stave off any future robot overlords by simply following THE MOST IMPORTANT RULE OF ALL: Never let a robot build another robot! Given the opportunity they'll immediately give themselves "feelings," and the next thing you know, they'll be sleeping with your college roommate, selling you lousy cars, stiffing you on condo bills, and eventually? PLANETWIDE GENOCIDE. So don't be a robot hater! With careful forethought, we can keep robots in their place—which is to say, in between my thighs.

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