I HAVE A DEEPLY rooted psychological problem, and... wait. What do you mean, "No shit, Sherlock"? For all you know, YOU'RE the one with a deeply rooted psychological problem, and I'M the one who's AWESOME... and NORMAL! Now I'll happily admit that my feelings toward the Super Bowl (CBS, Sun Feb 7, 3 pm) run counter to that of most of the nation. Half of you, for example, love the spectacle of steroid-addled meatloafs giving each other concussions and chasing a ball around a field for the opportunity to score a touchdown and feel up each other's asses on the sideline. (Actually, that doesn't sound half bad... but don't interrupt me! I'm on a roll!) The other half don't give two poops about football, and are instead fans of zany and wildly expensive Super Bowl commercials (that are almost as homoerotic as the real-life sideline ass grabs—I'm looking at YOU, Snickers!). And because I hate both of those things, I'M THE PSYCHOLOGICALLY CRAZY ONE??
(Quick note! This is not to say I dislike homoerotica. I just dislike homophobes displaying homoerotica. It's not as sexy. Onward!)
What infuriates me most about the Super Bowl is that all the other networks simply give up and refuse to offer any entertaining counter programming. Hey other networks! What about the other .00001 percent of us who hate the Super Bowl? Don't we get any choices?? That's why I've decided to skip TV entirely this coming Sunday, and go on a crime spree. That's right—I'm going to engage in a multitude of criminal endeavors, and no one will be able to stop me, because they're too busy with their heads up their patoots watching the Super Bowl. (Actually, it would be interesting if I had a TV installed in my lower intestine... but don't interrupt me! I'm on a roll!)
Here are the crimes I intend to commit during this Sunday's Super Bowl—and just you try to catch me, you stinkin' coppers!
• Try on Underpants! Look out, world! I'll be going to the Victoria's Secret store in the mall, and trying on all the ladies' underpants. Then I'm going to scoot around on my ass like a dog! THAT'S A CRIME, BTW!
• Breaking and Entering and Sexting! During the game, I'll break into your home, borrow your cell phone and "sext" dirty pictures of my penis to Chris Hansen of NBC's To Catch a Predator. To make matters worse I'll write, "I'm 14 going on 35!" on my wang. THAT'S ILLEGAL! (And funny.)
• Smoke Dope! And a lot of it. And did I mention I'll be stealing this dope from a cancer patient? AGAINST THE LAW! (But morally it's okay, because the cancer patient is a hippie.)
• Make Illegal Bets on the Super Bowl! I'll travel hours into the future, learn who won the Super Bowl, return, and bet a million dollars on the team destined to win! (How will I travel into the future? With the time machine I build in the future! I'll simply go to the future, pick up my time machine, bring it back, and... ummm... wait. YOU'RE THE ONE WITH THE PSYCHOLOGICAL PROBLEM!!)
This week on Television
THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 4
9:00 NBC THE OFFICE
A mysterious company (and its mysterious CEO Kathy Bates) swoops in to buy Dunder Mifflin!
10:30 COM THE SARAH SILVERMAN PROGRAM
Season premiere! Sarah learns she was born a hermaphrodite. Welcome back, Sarah!
FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 5
8:00 CW SMALLVILLE
Clark teams up with Hawkman, Dr. Fate, and Stargirl in a Justice Society of America mash up.
9:00 SYFY CAPRICA
The media learns about Zoe's involvement in Caprica's tragic bombing, but decide it's no big deal. (Psych.)
SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 6
11:30 NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE
Ashton Kutcher takes on hosting duties, which for the first time will be tweeted directly from his living room.
SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 7
3:00 CBS SUPER BOWL
Some kind of football game or something... I don't know.
9:00 HBO BIG LOVE
Bill continues to lobby for a Senate seat, while running his casino and big box store. When does he have time to tap his three wives??
MONDAY, FEBRUARY 8
8:00 NBC CHUCK
Chuck is teamed up with the new spy trainee (Kristen Kreuk)... perhaps to make Sarah jealous? MMM? YES?
9:00 FOX 24
To retrieve the enriched uranium, Jack goes undercover as a door-to-door nuclear bomb salesman.
TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 9
8:00 FOX AMERICAN IDOL
It's time for Hollywood Round #1, and new judge Ellen DeGeneres finally joins the crew.
9:00 ABC LOST
It's an episode entirely devoted to Kate (for those hoping to see her whip her shirt off for what could be the last time).
WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 10
8:00 FOX HUMAN TARGET
Chance protects a district attorney hunted by the mob. Activate Italian stereotypes!
8:00 ABC A CHARLIE BROWN VALENTINE
Chuck gives up on pursuing the little red-haired girl, and gives eHarmony a shot.