I LOVE TELEVISION™ reader Amy Ann writes: "Dear Wm.™ Steven Humphrey: Sandra Bullock rocks!! she does not have a mustache. And she should win best actress award. She has acomplished more in her life then u have. All u do is write stupid columns in a free paper. Get over yourself."
In a similar vein, I Love Television™ reader Lauren writes: "I really wish people would think before they spoke. So what you don't like Sandra. You make it seems like she took the roll in The Blind Side just to spite black people. You must be very lonely to have that much [hate] for a person."
These grammatically challenged complaints are in reference to my recent column, "I Dislike You, Sandra Bullock!" in which I bemoaned the Oscars, Ms. Bullock's thick, lustrous mustache, as well as her choice in "rolls" (turns out she really likes Cinnabon—I do not). However! While I may live a lonely, hateful, "Best Actress" award-free life, which I stupidly spend writing stupid columns in stupid free newspapers, THIS DOES NOT MAKE ME A BAD PERSON. I'm a bad person because of the following:
I like to stand outside grocery stores dressed as a Girl Scout, and sell shitty, dollar-store cookies for $14 a box. Sometimes I make jokes about leukemia. I dump my empty liquor bottles in "paper and cardboard only" recycling containers. I occasionally "pants" people (and then laugh boisterously at their emaciated junk). I dislike pugs. I steal my friends cell phones and send "sext" messages to their moms. Sometimes I race motorized minibikes through cemeteries. (GUYS! THEY'RE DEAD. IT'S NOT GOING TO BOTHER THEM!!) I drink milk straight from my friends' refrigerators—preferably breast milk. I asked my date for a handjob during the final minutes of Schindler's List. (In my defense, I needed to make it an early night.)
HOWEVER! I do not sell meth! Okay?? So while Amy Ann and Lauren may think I'm a cross between Hitler and Avril Lavigne, at least I'm not a chemistry teacher in Albuquerque who catches cancer, and turns to meth production in order to support his wife, son with cerebral palsy, and newborn child. Actually, it doesn't sound all that bad when I put it that way... but such is the conflicted wonderment of my current favorite show in the world, Breaking Bad (AMC, season premiere Sunday, March 21, 10 pm.)
If you've been watching this show, I don't need to convince you of its sheer audacity. Over the past two seasons, cancer-ridden Walter (played to the hilt by Malcolm in the Middle's Bryan Cranston) goes too easily from milquetoast high school chemistry teacher to a minor-league drug lord, all the while willfully ignoring the trail of destruction behind him. No other series on television so gleefully plays with the grayness of morality in such shocking, and often hilarious ways—and if you haven't checked out Breaking Bad, you're missing the most thoughtful, dark, imaginative, and interesting show on television.
There! That's my good deed for the day, Lauren and Amy Ann. Now I'm off to sell fake clippings of Sandra Bullock's mustache on eBay.
B-b-b-bad to the b-b-b-bone! email@example.com
THURSDAY, MARCH 18
9:00 NBC THE OFFICE
Sabre's new policies have an unexpected side effect: It turns the sales staff into dicks!
9:00 HBO AFGHAN STAR
A documentary about Afghanistan's American Idol where Islam militants sometimes mark singers for death! (That adds a new level.)
FRIDAY, MARCH 19
9:00 SYFY CAPRICA
To flush Zoe's avatar out of the Cylon's body, Daniel turns to "psychological" warfare (my favorite kind)!
9:00 HBO THE RICKY GERVAIS SHOW
Karl introduces his list of "Top 50 Freaks of All Time"—not including himself, of course.
SATURDAY, MARCH 20
9:00 BBCA SURVIVORS
Season finale! Abby's group of survivors goes on the lam, after Samantha hooks up with the wrong (murderous) crowd.
SUNDAY, MARCH 21
10:00 AMC BREAKING BAD
Season premiere! Walt considers which is worse: a deadly rival drug dealer, or his angry, pan-throwing wife?
10:00 A&E KIRSTIE ALLEY'S BIG LIFE
Debut! The former Cheers star has a new reality show all about losing weight. (Warning: anti-uplifting alert!)
MONDAY, MARCH 22
8:00 ABC DANCING WITH THE STARS
Season premiere! This season features Kate Gosselin, who's gonna have trouble doing the tango with that droopy uterus!
TUESDAY, MARCH 23
9:00 ABC LOST
This week's featured cast member: Richard Alpert (or as some I Love TV™ readers call him, "Captain Eyeliner.")
10:00 ABC V: THE ARRIVAL
Get caught up on the show you have no intention of watching regularly.
WEDNESDAY, MARCH 24
9:00 CW HIGH SOCIETY
Tinsley vows to utterly destroy her ex-husband in this reality soap known for its subtlety.
9:30 CW FLY GIRLS
Debut! A new reality show about sexy stewardesses... sorry. "Sexy airwhores."