OKAY, I HOPE YOU have some throat lozenges on hand, because I'm about to give you two very good reasons to squeal. Are you ready?
SQUEAL #1: Guys! Glee is returning this week! SQUEAAAAAAAALLLLL!!! That's correct, Glee—the show that's gayer than Gaylord McGayerson's rendition of "YMCA" at the annual Gay Town Gay Day Talent Show—is back in all its gloriously gay glory (Fox, Tues April 13, 9:28 pm). In fact, I'd wager this show has done more for gay acceptance in America than Will & Grace, Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, and Ellen combined! Why? Because the theme of Glee is "self-acceptance in the face of overwhelming adversity"—which makes it a great metaphor for America. Haters can only hate for so long before finally succumbing to the enthusiasm of those who accept themselves for who they are. So in short, Glee is an amazing, even revolutionary, show—except when honky teacher Will Schuester tries to rap, and then it's anus-clenchingly terrible. Other than that, though, it's great. SQUEAAAAAAAALLLLL!!!
SQUEAL #2: Guys! Justin Bieber is on Saturday Night Live this week (NBC, Sat April 10, 11:30 pm)! SQUEAAAAAAAALLLLL!!!!!! Wait... what do you mean you "have no idea who this Justin Bieber person is"? Ohhh, this is SO not good! Dude, if you happen to run into anyone under 17 years old and admit you have no idea who Justin Bieber is, you are totally going to be the uncoolest person since Uncooly McUncoolerson wore denim culottes to the Cool Kids Convention held in Coolsville, Coolerado! SO uncool!
Therefore—because I totally don't want uncool people to be seen reading my column—here are the five basic things everyone should know about Justin Bieber:
• Justin Bieber (pronounced "bee-ber") is a 16-year-old international pop star from Canada who already makes more money in a week than you will in your entire life.
• He was discovered on YouTube, named the "hottest star of 2009" by J-14 (the New York Times for screaming tweens), and sounds kind of like a cross between Usher and seven-year-old Dakota Fanning.
• Justin Bieber's Twitter account has 1.4 million followers (gaining 11,000 new fans daily), his YouTube channel has over 150 MILLION views, and last November, he accidentally set off a 3,000-teenage-girl riot at a mall in Long Island! So yeah... he's kind of popular!
• Justin Bieber is the FUTURE, mothereffers, and one day, everyone will look and sound like Justin Bieber! Justin Bieber will be genetically reproduced over and over again, until the entire world will be populated and run by Justin Biebers. And for anyone who doesn't look like Justin Bieber? It'll be like Planet of the Beebs! You'll be running for your life, dressed only in a loincloth, while armed Justin Bieber clones chase you on horseback, but you'll escape, and at the end of the movie, you'll see the half-destroyed "Statue of Bieber-ty" on the beach, and you'll scream up at the heavens, "You maniacs! Goddamn you! GODDAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!"
• Oh, and Justin Bieber looks like a really cute lesbian. He should be on Glee! OMG, what a great idea!! SQUEAAAAAAAALLLLL!!
I got the fever for a Bieber! firstname.lastname@example.org
THURSDAY, APRIL 8
8:30 NBC PARKS AND RECREATION
The parks and rec department from the town's sister city in Venezuela visits, which magically turns Leslie into a racist.
9:30 NBC 30 ROCK
In this repeat, Jack valiantly tries to brown nose his way into a new job.
FRIDAY, APRIL 9
9:00 CMT GATOR 911
Debut! Unfortunately this is a new show about rescuing gators, and not deputizing them. BOOOOO!!!!
SATURDAY, APRIL 10
9:00 SYFY MEGA PIRANHA—Movie
(2010) Bigass piranha terrorize a seaside town—luckily former pop star Tiffany is on hand to save the day!
11:30 NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE
Bie-BER! Bie-BER! Bie-BER! Bie-BER! Bie-BER! (Oh, and Tina Fey as well.)
SUNDAY, APRIL 11
10:00 AMC BREAKING BAD
Shockingly, Walt's deteriorating mental state causes problems for his meth production business.
10:00 HBO TREME
Debut! From the guys that brought you The Wire comes a new drama that takes place in New Orleans three months after Hurricane Katrina.
MONDAY, APRIL 12
9:00 VH1 TOUGH LOVE COUPLES
Debut! Matchmakers help unhappy couples decide whether to break up or get married. (You see the problem here, right?)
9:30 ABC ROMANTICALLY CHALLENGED
Debut! Alyssa Milano's triumphant return to TV in a really crappy sitcom. But still... ALYSSA MILANO, GUYS!
TUESDAY, APRIL 13
9:00 ABC LOST
Finally, the possibility of a funny episode in tonight's offering entitled, "Everybody Loves Hugo."
9:30 FOX GLEE
Season premiere! Rachel has a new boyfriend, Will is single, and Sue is itching for a fight. SQUEAAAAAL!
WEDNESDAY, APRIL 14
8:00 FOX HUMAN TARGET
Season finale! Armand Assante guest stars as Chance's former boss who wants to give him his old (murderous) job back.
8:00 CW AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL
A guest judge rips apart a contestant's outfit; tears and hilarity ensue!