As predicted last week, my underpants are full of crap. There are SO many TV season finales this coming week, and I'm SO overwhelmed, I've lapsed into a semicomatose state, wherein all of my bodily functions have shut down—except for life support and the ability to type this stupid column (which doesn't require significant brain power anyway). But as it turns out, there are upsides to shutting down all systems except for life support. Example: There's sincerely nothing you can do about it when your significant other is nagging you to wash a dish. The downsides of shutting down all systems: People use Sharpies to draw rude words and pictures on your face. GUYS! I'M NOT DRUNK OR ASLEEP! I CAN SEE YOU!
Another downside? Underpants full of crap. So there's that.
Anyhoo! I've decided to just lie here in my shut-down state for the entire week and let all this TV just wash over me—sort of like the time I passed out at the mouth of that sewage pipe down by the river. Here are just a few of the shows I'll be forced to watch.
American Idol (FOX, Wed May 26, 8 pm): Even though this has been the most boring season of Idol EVER—where were the Sanjayas? Where were the William Hungs?—I will be watching this. Because like I said, I can't move. At least the smell of my feces will temporarily mask the smell of their mediocrity. (Burrrrrrrn.)
Lost (ABC, Sun May 23, 7 pm–1 am): YES. You read that time correctly: 7 pm–1 am! ABC is blowing out its entire Sunday-night schedule for SIX freaking hours of Lost and Lost-related specials! First up, Lost: The Final Journey, which is basically a two-hour recap of everything you've missed up until this point. (If you're asking yourself "If it takes that long to explain this show, why bother?" I will not argue with you.) Then, at 9 pm it's the two-part 150-minute series finale of Lost—which will finally perfectly explain EVERYTHING to your complete and utter satisfaction. (SLAM! Zooooooommm!) That was the sound of the Lost writers running out the door, jumping on a plane, and flying to a South American rain forest to hide for the next six months. And then following that at 12:05 am, it's Jimmy Kimmel Live: Aloha to Lost in which the cast members reunite to discuss the show, and the contents of our stomachs empty out onto the rug, BECAUSE WE JUST CAN'T FREAKING TAKE ANY MORE!!! (Can someone roll me over on my side, so I don't choke on my vomit? Thanks.)
Dancing with the Stars (ABC, Tues May 25, 9 pm): Actually, I have no intention of watching this dreadful two-hour (!!) finale—especially when a normal, not-even-a-season-finale episode of Glee is on at the same time. I would much rather watch young nubile actors, instead of old washed-up soap-opera stars hopping around and showing off their baloney nipples. So if you wouldn't mind, please change the channel. Umm... seriously guys. Change the channel. What are you... hey! HEY! STOP DRAWING A PENIS ON MY FACE!!
THURSDAY, MAY 20
9:00 NBC THE OFFICE
Season finale! The office has a "whistle blower" leaking info to the press! And all fingers point to... ANDY!
9:00 FOX FRINGE
Season finale! Olivia and Walter hold the fate of two universes in their hands. (Hope one of them isn't ours!)
9:30 NBC 30 ROCK
Season finale! Liz juggles three weddings while meeting "Mr. Right"—who may or may not be MATT DAMON?? EEEEEE!!
FRIDAY, MAY 21
9:00 HBO THE RICKY GERVAIS SHOW
Season finale! Two very similar and related topics tonight: freaks and Inside the Actors Studio.
SATURDAY, MAY 22
9:00 SYFY WITCHVILLE—Movie
(2010) A prince returns home to find—his entire village overrun by witches?? That's why princes can't take vacations.
SUNDAY, MAY 23
8:00 FOX THE SIMPSONS
Season finale! Moe is chosen to become one of the judges on American Idol—which makes perfect sense to me.
9:00 ABC LOST
Series finale! I hope Tony Soprano guest stars and shoots them all, followed by a quick fade to black.
MONDAY, MAY 24
8:00 FOX 24
Season finale! Jack decides to take a break from catching terrorists to maybe eat a sandwich and go to the bathroom.
8:00 NBC CHUCK
Season finale! Assassins plan to kill Chuck once and for all—that is unless his dad Scott Bakula objects.
TUESDAY, MAY 25
9:00 ABC DANCING WITH THE STARS
Season finale! O vengeful god! Please bring back Kate Gosselin to win this competition, and save me from my boredom!
9:00 FOX GLEE
It's the Lady Gaga episode! (Which means things are gonna get weeeeeeird.)
WEDNESDAY, MAY 26
8:00 ABC TRANSFORMERS—Movie
(2007) Shia LaBeouf finds himself in the middle of an alien robot war with Megan Fox... soooo... things could be worse.
8:00 FOX AMERICAN IDOL
Season finale! America, meet your newest "idol"—who will be immediately dismissed and forgotten within 48 hours.