EVER HEARD that phrase, "What doesn't kill me, makes me stronger?" That's exactly why I eat Popeyes fried chicken every morning for breakfast, four Reese's peanut butter cups for lunch (washed down with a tumbler of Jack), followed by a sensible dinner. Doctors say this diet will surely kill me—while my Aunt Wanda (and Nietzsche, apparently) says "what doesn't kill me, makes me stronger." So the way I see it, statistically, there's a 50/50 chance of this diet either killing me, or making me stronger—preferably as strong, or stronger than the Hulk. Obviously, I'm going with Aunt Wanda and Nietzsche on this one! SCREW YOU, MEDICAL PROFESSIONALS!
Obviously, the same logic can be applied to television watching. Let's say, for example, MTV is showing a nine-hour Memorial Day Jersey Shore marathon (which they are, starting at 2 pm on that day), and you're considering watching the entire thing. First of all, you should ask yourself, "WILL THIS KILL ME?" If the answer is yes—don't watch it. BUT! If the answer is "no, this will not kill me," then by all means watch the shit out of it! BECAUSE IT WILL MAKE YOU STRONGER! Your muscles will be stronger (particularly your glutes, because you'll be squeezing them in embarrassment), your eyes will be stronger (it takes a lot of work to hold your eyes open for nine hours), but most importantly your BRAIN will be stronger (because... umm... wait. I've lost my train of thought. WHAT?).
Anyway. My point is that YOU need to do some serious beefing up. And that's why you're going on Wm.™ Steven Humphrey's "What Don't Kill Ya, Makes Ya Stronger" TV Diet™. You're welcome. Now shut up. What? Anyway. Here's what you should be watching this week:
• Mall Cops (TLC, Thurs May 27, 10 pm). Pros: Unlike plain old regular Cops, most of the perps keep their shirts on. Cons: Instead of breaking the arms of meth dealers, these guys ride Segways and give directions to Hot Dog on a Stick.
• The Bachelorette (ABC, Mon May 31, 8 pm). Yes, it's true that "whatever doesn't kill you, makes you stronger." However, I'm not sure the same applies to advanced genital warts.
• Wipeout (ABC, Tues June 1, 8 pm). I absolutely love this show that features ordinary dorks trying to run an impossible/muddy/dangerous obstacle course. I'd audition for the show myself, if it didn't look so dangerously similar to "exercise"—which, as you know, could in fact kill me.
• Jersey Couture (Oxygen, Tues June 1, 10 pm). A Jersey mom and her two daughters run a highly successful (and wildly tacky) prom dress shop. It's kind of a cross between Project Runway, Jersey Shore, and a cerebral hematoma—which as we all know, PROBABLY WON'T KILL YOU.
• Half Pint Brawlers (Spike, Wed June 2, 11 pm). Two words! "Midget... wrestling." Two more words! "Reality... show." Six words! "Kicking... each... other... in... the... balls." An additional six words! "Now... that's... what... I... call... entertainment." Nine words! "Won't... kill... ya... and... will... make... your... brain... stronger." One word... "Wait." No, two words... "Wait... what?"
THURSDAY, MAY 27
9:00 ABC HOLLYWOOD SALUTES MATT DAMON
Plus a musical salute to his most famous movie line, "How do you like dem apples?"
10:00 TLC MALL COPS
Debut! It's "Black Friday" at the mall, which means the guards must avoid the annual "Forever 21 stampede."
FRIDAY, MAY 28
8:00 ABC WIFE SWAP
A family that values etiquette and elegance swap places with a clan of pig-screwing hillbillies. YEEEE-HAW!!
8:00 FOX PAST LIFE
Season premiere! The psychic team returns to take on the case of a girl who is either a religious saint, or a serial killer. It is a thin line, after all.
SATURDAY, MAY 29
8:00 ABC LOST
For those who think maybe a second watching of the Lost finale will help in figuring everything out... well... good luck with that.
SUNDAY, MAY 30
9:00 TLC EIGHT-LIMBED BABY
A baby is born with eight limbs. Repeat: "That which doesn't kill you, makes you stronger."
10:00 AMC BREAKING BAD
Skyler wants to get more involved in Walt's meth production business, which means a 20 percent increase in "NAG, NAG, NAG!"
MONDAY, MAY 31
8:00 ABC THE BACHELORETTE
Season Premiere! Bachelorette Ali (and her indecisive vagina) choose between 17 bags of meat.
10:30 VH1 DAD CAMP
Debut! A counselor helps a gang of deadbeat dads face up to their responsibilities. THOUGH IT'S TOO LATE FOR YOU, ISN'T IT, FATHER?!?
TUESDAY, JUNE 1
9:00 FOX GLEE
Quinn connects with her "funky" side with help from Mercedes. Go white girl! Go white girl!
11:00 MTV DOWNTOWN GIRLS
A gaggle of Sex and the City wannabes live, party, and contract herpes in Manhattan.
WEDNESDAY, JUNE 2
9:00 NBC AMERICA'S GOT TALENT
Actually, not so much.
11:00 SPIKE HALF PINT BRAWLERS
Debut! The little people wrestlers rush one of their own to the hospital after an unplanned nut-busting accident.