Reason #1! Her teeth look like someone knocked them out with a jackhammer, and then shot them back inside her mouth using a T-shirt cannon.
Reason #2! Watching an episode of her long-running Disney Channel TV show, Hannah Montana, is like experiencing a production of A Midsummer Night's Dream by the Royal Shakespeare Company—if the play were cast with spastic chimps dosed up on goofballs, who are either furiously masturbating or crapping onto one of the Bard's sonnets, which they then either hurl at the audience or consume for their own enjoyment.
Reason #3! Miley Cyrus is not Justin Bieber. (You may be beginning to suspect why I'm writing this particular column.)
Reason #4! Miley Cyrus is getting her own special on the ABC network this Friday (June 18, 8 pm) entitled Miley Cyrus in London: Live at the O2. First of all, this concert isn't even "live"—it was taped during Miley's recent worldwide tour. Sooo... LIAR! Secondly, it's in London. And the last time I checked, Miley is a citizen of THE UNITED FREAKING STATES OF AMERICA, MOTHEREFFERS! So the next time you plan to do a "live" television concert, Miley, maybe you might not want to farm it out to another stinking country, you anti-American NAFTA lover!!
Reason #5! ABC agreed to televise a Miley Cyrus concert instead of a Justin Bieber concert.
Reason #6! And this is just plain stupid, because Justin Bieber is way, way, way, way, WAY more popular than Miley Cyrus is or ever was! For example, I was at the mall the other day frantically looking for a Justin Bieber T-shirt (SHUT UP!!!), and finally found one at Hot Topic buried in between a Twilight "Team Jacob" hoodie (which I also purchased) and a Degrassi High crop top (for which I will return next week). Was there any Miley Cyrus paraphernalia there? NOOOOOOOO! In fact the only place I saw any Miley Cyrus T-shirts was at SEARS. (Which should tell one something, should it not??)
Reason #7! "New" Miley Cyrus is way more annoying than "old" Miley Cyrus. "Old" Miley Cyrus would do really annoying things like being photographed making a "me Chinese" slanty-eyed face next to her Asian friend, performing a stripper-style "pole dance" during the Teen Choice Awards, and designing clothes for Walmart. However, "new" Miley Cyrus was recently seen faking a lesbian kiss onstage during one of her shows, ostensibly to show how "edgy" she is now. Dear Miley: WE DO NOT "FAKE" LESBIAN KISSES. I want your tongue so far down that backup dancer's throat, you can taste her tonsils. Then I want your tongue to travel down that girl's intestinal system, out her bottom hole, up her back, and then over her head so it can tap you on the shoulder and remind you that YOU ARE NOT A LESBIAN. (By the way, if you're looking for real lesbians, check out Showtime's new reality show The Real L Word debuting this Sunday, June 20 at 10 pm.)
Reason #8! Oh crap, I'm out of space... but... but... JUSTIN BIEBER!!
Reason #10! Her dad's a douche. steve@portlandmercury.com
THURSDAY, JUNE 17
8:00 FOX GLEE
It's a "gleepeat" (get it?) in which Will forms a super-embarrassing all-male a cappella group. YESSSSS.
9:00 FOX SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE?
One of the 11 finalists is given the hook, and Usher performs (who is also not Justin Bieber, but wishes he was).
FRIDAY, JUNE 18
8:00 ABC MILEY CYRUS IN LONDON: LIVE AT THE O2
Reason #9! She never answered a single fan letter. NOT A SINGLE ONE!! (Sniff.)
9:00 ANI WHALE WARS
The activists attack a whaling ship using "butyric acid." I'm afraid this is just going to give BP ideas.
SATURDAY, JUNE 19
9:00 DSC MAN VS. WILD
Bear recounts his top 25 adventures (which will surely include him drinking his own urine, which I bet he does anyway).
SUNDAY, JUNE 20
9:00 ABC SCOUNDRELS
Debut! A new comedy-drama about a family of criminals who valiantly try (and fail) to obey the law.
10:00 ABC THE GATES
Debut! A new sheriff moves into a gated community and discovers his neighborhood is a bit too Twin Peaks-y for his taste.
MONDAY, JUNE 21
8:00 VH1 BEHIND THE MUSIC
Interviews and clips documenting the sordid history of Courtney Love. (Wasn't she married to somebody?)
8:00 ABC THE BACHELORETTE
Ali and the bachelors travel to Iceland to explore the country, and spread the new and virulent STD they've created.
TUESDAY, JUNE 22
8:00 ABC WIPEOUT
Season premiere! The obstacle course game for normal schmoes returns with even more spine-severing stunts!
10:00 ANI MICHAEL JACKSON AND BUBBLES: THE UNTOLD STORY
I AM GOING TO WATCH THE SHIT OUT OF THIS.
WEDNESDAY, JUNE 23
9:00 TLC I DIDN'T KNOW I WAS PREGNANT
A woman thought she was having an appendicitis attack. She thought wrong.
10:00 ABC JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE
A special Twilight episode featuring the entire cast! Quick! Wash your "Team Jacob" underpants!
