Don't get me wrong—I like sports. I just don't like the sports everyone else seems so crazy about. I don't like basketball (AKA the "sport of fools"), but I do like office chair bowling (where you hide in the corner of your office, and when someone walks in, you sling your roll-y chair at them as fast as you can in an attempt to knock them off their feet—extra points if you crack their femur!). I also don't like football (AKA the "sport of meatheads") but I do like genital Xeroxing. Now some people claim that genital Xeroxing is not a sport—but those people have never coerced their officemates into seeing how many genitals can be Xeroxed in 30 seconds (our office record is 27—TOP THAT, MICROSOFT!).
But sincerely, one of the most idiotic sports ever conceived has to be ice-skating. If God had wanted us to be on skates, he wouldn't be melting the polar ice caps. THINK ABOUT IT! The only place ice belongs is in my highball, and underneath my testicles that one time Mrs. Wm.™ Steven Humphrey the First kicked me in the scrabble bag.
OKAY, actually I've reconsidered my position, and have suddenly decided I love ice-skating! Here's why: (1) The chicks wear miniskirts. I don't understand why anyone would wear something that skimpy while skating in minus 17-degree weather, but maybe it helps in bamboozling the public into thinking this is a sport. (2) There is no number two. And (3) people fall on their asses—HARD. Usually I have to stand around outside for hours on an icy street corner to watch a couple of people slip, fly up in the air, and come crashing painfully (and hilariously!) down on their asses. But with ice-skating, these guys are falling on their asses all the time—and in miniskirts!
So obviously I have a love/hate relationship with ice-skating. And that's why I intend to have a love/hate relationship with yet another new celebrity competition show debuting this week: Skating with the Stars (ABC, Mon Nov 22, 9 pm). Obviously this show is almost exactly like the increasingly lame Dancing with the Stars, except it will be better because (a) it's on ice, and (b) stars getting concussions are funnier than normal people getting concussions.
Also like in Dancing with the Stars, the show is populated with Z-list celebs paired up with pro skaters. Together they must learn technical figure skating routines, and perform them before a live audience and a panel of persnickety judges. And because you sincerely don't care (and who can blame you), I'm only going to mention the most famous of the contestants, and they are Bethenny Frankel (The Real Housewives of New York City), rocker Vince Neil (Mötley Crüe), and Sean Young (Blade Runner, and begging the entirety of Hollywood for a job—any job—since 1994).
Together these "celebrities" will battle it out on ice to see who is the least horrible skater, and who can make me laugh the hardest while gaining significant brain injury. (And if Sean Young somehow survives, and is still looking for a job? Hey, somebody's got to mop up the blood!)
THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 18
8:00 ABC A CHARLIE BROWN THANKSGIVING
Charlie and the gang reenact the first Thanksgiving—including giving the Native Americans syphilis.
10:00 FX IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA
The gang tries to cheer up "rat catcher" Charlie with a surprise party—that becomes overrun with rats. Surprise?
FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 19
10:00 HBO DENNIS MILLER: THE BIG SPEECH
Dennis Miller is still alive, guys! (And proves it with this stand-up act taped live in Irvine, California.)
SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 20
8:00 ANI AMERICA'S CUTEST CAT 2010
The search for our nation's most adorable kitty. Get ready to get your "awwwww" on!
11:30 NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE
Tonight hosted by the also adorable Anne Hathaway with musical guests Florence and the Machine!
SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 21
8:00 ABC AMERICAN MUSIC AWARDS
With performances by Justin Bieber, Ke$ha, Katy Perry, and for your grandma, a Backstreet Boys reunion!
10:00 AMC THE WALKING DEAD
Rick's plans to return to Atlanta hit a bump. A six-foot tall and 300-foot-long bump. Of zombies.
MONDAY, NOVEMBER 22
9:00 ABC SKATING WITH THE STARS
Debut! In the series opener, the stars show off their newest moves... which include being wheeled into an ambulance.
9:00 PBS AMERICAN MASTERS: LENNONYC
Documenting the New York City years of Lennon—the Beatle, not the commie.
TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 23
8:00 FOX GLEE
Sue's Nazi-hunting mother (Carol Burnett) returns—and hopefully she'll clean out all the Nazis this time!
9:00 ABC DANCING WITH THE STARS
Season finale! The winner is announced and it better not be Bristol Palin.
WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 24
8:30 NBC KUNG FU PANDA HOLIDAY SPECIAL
Jack Black, Angelina Jolie, Seth Rogen, and more reprise their roles for a quick and easy buck.
10:00 ABC CELEBRITY PLASTIC SURGERY GONE TOO FAR?
If we're still laughing, then they haven't gone too far.