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Humpy's Millions

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See, here's the thing: I want to be a millionaire, but I don't want to do what's necessary to become a millionaire. What follows are eight things one can do to become a millionaire:

(1) Make at least one million dollars—perhaps by working for it. BOOOOOO!!!! Did Donald Trump "work" for his million dollars? I doubt that very much.

(2) Steal one million dollars. The thought of this kind of makes me horny. I could totally see myself hanging from some cable, being slowly dropped into a Swiss bank vault (à la Tom Cruise), and cramming a million smackeroos down the front of my pants—that is, if my "johnson" will allow it! AM I RIGHT? AM I RIGHT? Because it's so big? No, no... "johnson" is a slang term for penis, and... OH, FORGET IT!!!

(3) Counterfeit one million dollars. Easier said than done! Besides, the last thing I need is a cashier at the Gap examining some of my work and saying, "Ummm... I'm pretty sure Urkel isn't on the $500,000 bill."

(4) Invent something that will make me one million dollars. Like maybe a goddamn potato-chip bag that won't rip down the side and spill all my goddamn chips all over the goddamn floor! (Hey, that's not a bad idea... though the name is a bit unwieldy.)

(5) Marry an old person who's about to die and inherit one million dollars. Hey! Does anyone know of an old millionaire who's about to die? (And don't say Warren Buffett—I've already tried, and besides, he was horrible in the sack.)

(6) Find one million dollars—perhaps in a satchel left behind by Colombian drug dealers. Again—TOO MUCH WORK! Colombian drug dealers have exactly "zero" sense of humor when it comes to people finding and keeping their money. If the plots of numerous films are any indication, expect to be pursued by these people until they finally catch up to you. And if, god forbid, you've already spent their money on a few thousand cases of Totino's frozen pizzas and a gasoline truck full of Fresca, then you can look forward to some serious dismembering—unless you're good friends with Bruce Willis, who will come screeching in at the last second and kill everyone in sight with a machine gun while screaming, "Hasta la vista, buttfuckers!"

(7) Write a million-dollar screenplay entitled Hasta la Vista, Buttfuckers!

(8) And I suppose you could go on one of those tiresome TV game shows to make a million dollars. However, I'd avoid any show hosted by Alex Trebek (too brainy) or Howie Mandel (too humiliating). You want something that's not too mentally or emotionally taxing—perhaps like Fox's Million Dollar Money Drop debuting this week (Mon Dec 20, 8 pm)! In this show, you and a partner will receive a million bucks right off the bat! Unfortunately, you are then asked a series of multiple-choice questions, and every time you give a wrong answer—FLUSH! A goodly portion of your million bucks is unceremoniously dropped down a chute... and perhaps into the bed of a souped-up pickup truck owned by one Wm.™ Steven Humphrey? HA-HAH! Hasta la vista, buttfuckers!

Who wants (me) to be a millionaire? steve@portlandmercury.com

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 16

8:00 ABC CHARLIE BROWN CHRISTMAS

The gang sets out to discover the true meaning of Xmas, which includes humiliating Charlie Brown.

10:00 FX IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA

The gang sets out to discover the true meaning of Xmas, which includes naked elves and a bloody Santa.

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 17

9:30 CBS I GET THAT A LOT

Normal celebs (Heidi Klum, Paris Hilton, Ice-T) dress up like normal schlubs to trick actual normal schlubs.

10:00 VH1 TOP 40 VIDEOS OF 2010

And all 40 of them feature Justin Bieber! ("Yay" for me, "BOO" for you!)

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 18

9:00 NBC WWE TRIBUTE TO THE TROOPS

I recall the troops asking for body armor—not pro wrestlers. But whatever.

11:30 NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE

Hosted by TRON's Jeff Bridges and white rap's Eminem!

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 19

8:00 CBS SURVIVOR: NICARAGUA

Season finale! Season finale?? I thought this show was cancelled around the same time as Matlock!

11:30 TOON ROBOT CHICKEN

The Robot Chicken crew returns with a brand-new parody of Star Wars: Episode III (AKA the Worst One Yet).

MONDAY, DECEMBER 20

8:00 FOX MILLION DOLLAR MONEY DROP

Debut! Get a million and lose a million courtesy of host Kevin "Hasn't Done Anything Since The Usual Suspects" Pollak.

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 21

8:00 ABC SKATING WITH THE STARS

Season finale! The grand prize winner—the only person without severe head trauma—is crowned.

9:00 NBC A VERY GILLY CHRISTMAS

Kristen Wiig's mischievous sociopath in two hours of SNL Xmas-themed sketches.

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 22

8:00 FOX HUMAN TARGET

When an ordinary family is targeted for murder, Chance and the gang are forced to temporarily live in (ugh!) THE SUBURBS.

8:00 TLC WORLD'S OLDEST CONJOINED TWINS MOVE HOME

Let's hope they get a sexy roommate and a wacky landlord!

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