I Love Television™ reader Karly writes: "Your '10 MORE Reasons to Dislike Miley Cyrus' [March 3] was so hateful. Are you so poor a writer that you must resort to gross-out ass humour? Sad. And we medical marijuana users couldn't care less what you think of pot smoking. Again, an awful lot of hate. Over 25 percent of human genes are the same as those of a banana. Get over yourself!"
Dear Karly, thanks for writing! Allow me to respond: (1) I did not know that about bananas! That's an interesting—if not exactly surprising—thing for a pothead to say. (2) I never "resort" to "gross-out ass humour." As regular readers know, "gross-out ass" is my preferred method of "humour"—mixing it up occasionally with "depraved prostate humour," "sickening vagina humour," and "grody pee-hole humour." (3) "Humour" is actually spelled "humor" unless you're a pothead from 18th-century England.
(4) However! I will agree that I was a little rough on the potheads in that column. My intention was... huh? What's that? You need a snack? Oh... okay. Go ahead. I'll wait. Hmmmm... hmmmm... hmmmm... OH! While Karly's curing her munchies, let's recap what I actually said about Miley Cyrus sucking down a bong filled with salvia: "What kind of idiot smokes salvia when tons of high-quality ganoobie doobie just arrived from the jungles of Colombia? (Note: While I hate pot and potheads... I hate fake pot and fake potheads more.)" That joke was ohh-kay, but it was pretty low on the "gross-out assness" scale and... OH! Karly's back. Hey, that plate of chocolate chips covered with melted cheese looks delicious!
Anyway, I know I was a little rough on potheads, but... what's that? You can't remember what number we're on? We're on item number FOUR, Karly. FOUR. I need you to focus, okay? Okay. Anyway, I didn't say I hated "medical marijuana users," I said I hated "potheads"—there's a difference. On the other hand! I did say I hate pot, for which there's a very good reason! About six years ago, I spent Thanksgiving with a pothead acquaintance I'll call "Dr. Oregano" who fed me brownies filled with roughly a pound of primo ganoobie doobie. Long story short, I spent the rest of Thanksgiving lying on a couch desperately trying to swat away the swarms of catroaches (cockroach with the head of a cat) trying to climb into my anus. (THAT'S NOT "GROSS-OUT ASS HUMOUR"—IT'S TRUE!!)
And finally, (5) because it's hard to—can you stop staring at your fingertips, please? Thanks! Because it's hard to pay attention to everything I write (and who would want to?), when I say "hate," I don't actually mean "HATE"—ya know? My use of "hate" is usually shorthand for "deeply annoyed"... such as "I am deeply annoyed by leukemia." Or "I am deeply annoyed by people who drown kittens." That's why I'm going to apologize for my pointed language and amend what I said: I, Wm.™ Steven Humphrey, am merely deeply annoyed by potheads and would like to formally apolo... KARLY! Will you please turn down that Phish CD? I'm trying to apologize here!!
THURSDAY, MARCH 17
9:00 BRAVO KATHY GRIFFIN: 50 AND NOT PREGNANT
Kathy delivers her stand-up act while simultaneously decimating every celeb in Hollywood.
9:30 NBC PARKS AND RECREATION
The parks department's future lies in the town's Harvest Festival—which has just been cursed by a local tribal leader!
FRIDAY, MARCH 18
8:00 ABC SUPERNANNY
Series finale! In the last show ever, Jo helps a widower control his sons after his wife dies from breast cancer. WAHHH!
11:30 COM GIVE IT UP FOR GREG GIRALDO
Jon Stewart, Sarah Silverman, Lewis Black and more tribute/roast the late comic Greg Giraldo. WAHH! And, HAHAHA!
SATURDAY, MARCH 19
10:00 HBO THE PEE-WEE HERMAN SHOW ON BROADWAY
Cowboy Curtis, Miss Yvonne, Jambi, and more are reunited with Pee-Wee in this Broadway production—which might be a bit creepy, yes?
SUNDAY, MARCH 20
9:00 HBO BIG LOVE
Series finale! In the last episode, Bill must face losing Home Plus, getting arrested... oh! And the collapse of his polygamous marriage.
10:00 ANI TAKING ON TYSON
Mike challenges three of the best pigeon racing teams to the ultimate pigeon-off!
MONDAY, MARCH 21
8:00 ABC DANCING WITH THE STARS
Season premiere! Featuring club-footed celebrity hoofers such as Ralph Macchio, WWE star Chris Jericho, and Kirstie Alley!
9:00 OXY BAD GIRLS CLUB
Nikki and Wilmarie stage a coup against the house leaders, just like the one in Egypt—except with hair extension pulling.
TUESDAY, MARCH 22
8:00 PBS FERRETS: THE PURSUIT OF EXCELLENCE
A documentary focusing on Columbus, Ohio's annual Ferret Buckeye Bash. (Resist the temptation to kill them with fire.)
8:00 FOX GLEE
It's the "Super Bowl episode" repeat, which valiantly tried to trick football fans into watching a gay show. Pretty sneaky, sis!
WEDNESDAY, MARCH 23
8:00 CW AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL
The girls pose with wild animals from the zoo, and it's hard to tell who's more scared.
9:00 ABC MODERN FAMILY
The boys try to have a fun night out, which naturally devolves into a disaster of epic proportion.