Jeremy Eaton

Friends! I am on vacation this week, which means you get to read an old-timey I Heart Television™ column from the archives. Oh, shut up. Things could be worse. —Wm.™ Steven Humphrey

Lucas Humboldt of Richmond, Virginia, writes, "Dear Mr. Wm.™ Steven Humphrey: I am nine years old. I like the Olsen twins. They are nice. I like them. But they are twins, and I can't tell the difference. What is the difference? Thank you, Mr. Humphrey. You are nice, too."

Lucas, you perverted sack of crap. I think it's pretty apparent what this so-called "innocent request" is all about. Just like every other guy in the world, your pee-pee is engorged with blood over the fact that Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen just turned 18 years old! You want to have filthy monkey S-E-X with them, and I bet you even had one of those creepy counters on your computer, ticking down the minutes until the Olsen twins came of legal, and thereby porkable, age. You, sir, are a sicko FAWK.

However, while Lucas is undoubtedly an obscene syphilitic deviant whose filthy fingers are coated with the stench of three-day-old DNA... he kind of has a point. How do you tell the difference between Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen? Well, that's for me to know and for lucky YOU to finally find out! But first, some fun and fancy-free facts about the Olsen twins.

FACT! Mary-Kate and Ashley are not identical twins... they're fraternal. Which, apparently, is something different.

FACT! Mary-Kate and Ashley were only one year old when cast on the hit TV show Full House, and four years old when they became demanding bitches.

FACT! Mary-Kate and Ashley's biggest success has been in straight-to-video films, such as To Grandmother's House We Go and Double, Double, Toil and Trouble. (Both of which were far superior to later offerings such as You're Invited to Mary-Kate and Ashley's Mall of America Party. While certainly whimsical, it lacked the philosophical underpinnings and depth of their earlier work, such as How the West Was Fun.) They are now ba-zillionaires.

But the question remains: How are the Olsen twins different? Though each is a multifaceted individual, here's a quick primer on how to tell the difference if you happen to wind up in the same hot tub.

Mary-Kate: Younger by two minutes. Dyes hair brown. Fave items: cashmere blanket, cell phone, iPod. Fave movie: Labyrinth. Fave school subject: English. Wears a size 5.5 shoe. Played "the wild one" in New York Minute. Conceived thanks to an injection of monkey DNA. Ranked #61 in FHM's "100 Sexiest Women" poll. Will never sleep with you in a billion years.

Ashley: Older by two minutes. Dyes hair blonde. Fave items: cashmere blanket, cell phone, credit card. Fave movie: Pretty in Pink. Fave school subject: math. Wears a size 5.5 shoe. Played "the other one" in New York Minute. Conceived thanks to an injection of troll DNA. Ranked #61.5 in FHM's "100 Sexiest Women" poll. Will consider sleeping with you in a billion years, if it will raise her ranking from #61.5 to #59.7.

There. Now will you please get some counseling?

The west was never "fun." steve@portlandmercury.com

THURSDAY, MARCH 24

9:00 NBC THE OFFICE

Michael finally pops his version of the "big question" to Holly. Stress "his version."

10:00 MTV JERSEY SHORE

Season finale! The faux guidos get one last shot at debilitating alcohol poisoning. You can do it, guys!

FRIDAY, MARCH 25

10:00 IFC ONION NEWS NETWORK

Season finale! Tonight: the loss of the American dream, and the huge reward that goes to anyone who finds it.

11:00 COM COMEDY CENTRAL PRESENTS

Season finale! The always hilarious Natasha Leggero speaks out on the important topics: paternity tests and the world diamond shortage.

SATURDAY, MARCH 26

9:00 SYFY SCREAM OF THE BANSHEE—Movie

(2011) Lauren Holly stars as an archeologist who unearths an ancient banshee who won't stop screaming (not unlike my ex-wife).

SUNDAY, MARCH 27

8:00 FOX THE SIMPSONS

Homer's near constant strangulation of Bart is a cause of concern to therapist/dreamboat Paul Rudd.

9:00 HBO MILDRED PIERCE

Todd Haynes directs, and Kate Winslet stars in what will surely be an awesome miniseries adaptation of James M. Cain novel.

MONDAY, MARCH 28

10:00 SHO NURSE JACKIE

Season premiere! Jackie returns to find the hospital in turmoil, and her marriage in trouble thanks to her itty-bitty prescription drug addiction.

TUESDAY, MARCH 29

10:00 BBC MODERN MONARCHY: DOS & DON'TS

Just in case you ever run into the royal family, this show will teach you all the etiquette you need. (Pro tip: Keep your fingers away from your ass.)

10:00 ABC BODY OF PROOF

Debut! Poor Dana Delaney stars as a surgeon who becomes a hotpoop medical examiner in this absolutely TERRIBLE new show.

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 30

8:00 CW AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL

Tyra gives (unasked for) advice on how to handle fame.

10:00 SPIKE COAL

Debut! A new reality show about coal miners and the canaries they kill.