So, guys! I'm seriously considering "taking a wife." (No, I'm not talking about your wife, nor will I be "taking her" in the way you're thinking—unless, of course, she's interested in such an arrangement, in which case, email me.) Now, you may be thinking: "Hey, Wm.™ Steven Hump-Me! You've already had three wives. Don't you think taking another one is a bit greedy?" AU CONTRAIRE, MON FRERE! Even though all of my marriages went down in flames, I am nevertheless a staunch proponent of the institution. The way I see it, until EVERYONE is allowed to get married (I'm looking at YOU, gays!), I'm gonna do my best to fawk it up for EVERYONE. Seriously, lawmakers! I've got some truly obscene and lewd plans for "marriage," so it's in everyone's best interest to let everyone jump on board—otherwise? I WILL NOT BE STOPPED.
Crap. Where was I? Oh, yeah! "Taking a wife." See, the reason Mrs. Wm.™ Steven Hump-Me 1, 2, and 3 aren't around anymore isn't because of their looks—they were all unanimously hot, and firecrackers in the sack. The problem always seemed to arise in the "expectations" department. For example, these wives always "expected" me to keep my horny paws off the groupies, grocery store cashiers, church organists, beachgoers, local TV anchors, and the occasional overly endowed male stripper. In turn, I "expected" them to remain happily married—which in retrospect, I suppose, was asking a lot.
HOWEVER! Things are gonna be different with the future Mrs. Wm.™ Steven Hump-Mes 4 through 8—becausssssse... wait for it... I'M GONNA MARRY A MOB WIFE!
I got the idea after watching a preview for the new VH1 reality series debuting this week called Mob Wives (Sun April 17, 8 pm). It revolves around four women with "alleged" mafia ties whose husbands or fathers are currently rotting away in the joint. Since "family loyalty" is everything to these gals, the crap resoundingly hits the fan when Karen Gravano—daughter of famous mafia rat/informant Sammy "the Bull" Gravano—returns to town. Will Karen be welcomed back into the fold or will she find herself swimming in a pair of cement Uggs?
As you can plainly see, these gals are perfect marriage material for Humpy-Doodle-Doo. Cast member Renee Graziano, for example, is the daughter of Anthony Graziano (an alleged high-ranking member of La Cosa Nostra), and since she supposedly grew up in the mob, her expectations of me should be verrrrrry low indeed. After all, I may get freaky nasty with the mailman—but I wouldn't behead him with a shovel and bury him in a shallow grave somewhere off the Jersey Turnpike.
The downside? If Skeletor had an Italian sister, she'd look an awful lot like Renee. Also, people involved with the mafia tend to have... ohhh... kind of a temper. Let's take that last "Skeletor" joke, for example. If I'd said that within earshot of Renee or any of the mob wives? You can be pretty sure I'd get a ride to the butcher shop in the trunk of her cousin Pasquale's car. Wait... they read my column in New York? (Sigh) I'll take that witness protection program now, please.
THURSDAY, APRIL 14
8:30 NBC THE PAUL REISER SHOW
Debut! The Mad About You star makes an unasked- for return to situation comedy. (Retirement is always a legitimate option!)
9:00 NBC THE OFFICE
The office scrambles to impress Michael's supposed replacement, Will Ferrell!
FRIDAY, APRIL 15
9:00 HBO THE RICKY GERVAIS SHOW
Season finale! Ricky, Stephen, and Karl discuss virtual reality—in a virtually real way.
10:30 IFC THE WHITEST KIDS U'KNOW
Season premiere! Another episode of subtle sketches, including a baked bean fetish and "Little Hitler" smoking marijuana.
SATURDAY, APRIL 16
8:30 NIK SUPAH NINJAS
Debut! A kid who's descended from ninjas starts his own crime-fighting team. Who would like to hand his ass to him first?
SUNDAY, APRIL 17
9:00 HBO GAME OF THRONES
Debut! CALLING ALL NERDS!!! Check out this new lush drama based on the medieval fantasy series by George R.R. Martin.
9:00 VH1 AUDRINA
Debut! CALLING ALL MASOCHISTS!!! Check out this insipid new reality show based on the donkey-faced character from The Hills.
MONDAY, APRIL 18
8:00 NBC CHUCK
A swindler swindles Chuck and Sarah out of their wedding money—which is a great excuse to call off the whole thing, right?
8:00 FOX HOUSE
Former jailbird Thirteen returns to the team—and immediately puts her "shanking" skills to good use.
TUESDAY, APRIL 19
8:00 FOX GLEE
Sue sets her evil eye on another marginalized club—but hey, I hate those AV kids, too.
9:00 NGC THE POPE'S SECRET SERVICE
A rare peek into the Vatican and the people who guard the pope, and his hat.
WEDNESDAY, APRIL 20
8:00 FOX AMERICAN IDOL
We're down to seven contestants, which means we can finally start watching this show again next week.
9:00 ABC MODERN FAMILY
Mitchell and Cameron look for a potential legal guardian for Lily—and discover everyone in the world is sub-par.