Nothing ever ends as good as it should. Example: my forthcoming death. Now, a person of my prestige should die in a spectacular way—such as being eaten by wolves, or rescuing a basket of kittens from inside an erupting volcano while using an experimental jetpack. Unfortunately, it ain't gonna end this way. Like you, I'll probably meet my fate at the hands of prostate cancer, heart attack, or worse, old age (staring out the window of my rest home, desperately trying to remember the details of my last sponge bath).
That's why—in this overwhelming week of season finales—I'm presenting you with two options: The first option is what will probably happen on the show in question, and option two is what I WISH would happen. WONDER WHICH WILL BE MORE ENTERTAINING?
The Office (NBC, Thurs May 19, 9 pm). Finale option #1: This episode will be crammed with celebrity applicants vying for Michael Scott's vacated position, including Will Arnett, billionaire Warren Buffett, Jim Carrey, Ray Romano, James Spader, Catherine Tate, and (shock) Ricky Gervais. WHO WILL GET THE JOB?!?
Finale option #2: Nobody gets it, because the corporate bosses fire everyone, and move Dunder Mifflin overseas to England, where the original cast from Britain's The Office rightfully reclaim their old jobs—all for the glory of Her Majesty, the Queen! HUZZAH!!
Saturday Night Live (NBC, Sat May 21, 11:30 pm). Finale option #1: SNL wraps up its 36th season (!!!) with host Justin Timberlake and musical guest Lady Gaga.
Finale option #2: Justin Timberlake spends the entire episode naked—occasionally jumping up and down so we can watch his wiener flop. (Meanwhile, Lady Gaga is fatally wounded after slipping and impaling herself on her costume.)
Dancing with the Stars (ABC, Tues May 24, 9 pm). Finale option #1: As of this writing, Ralph Macchio, Kirstie Alley, another person, and somebody else I don't recognize are left standing—and tonight one washed-up celeb will take home the indescribably ugly DWTS trophy!
Finale option #2: The judges, audience, and contestants suddenly realize what a colossal waste of time and energy this is, and go out for strawberry milkshakes. (Except for Kirstie Alley, who's watching her weight.)
Glee (Fox, Tues May 24, 9 pm). Finale option #1: While details are sketchy, count on the Glee kids dealing with death's aftermath, competing in the national show choir finals, and an absolutely excruciating solo number performed by Matthew "Mr. Schue" Morrison.
Finale option #2: The Gleetards perform one number that doesn't make me want to dig out my eyes with a rusty nail, and pay a pit bull $30 to chew off my ears.
American Idol (Fox, Wed May 25, 8 pm). Finale option #1: The winner is announced (and if it's that Alfred E. Neuman-lookin' hillbilly, I'll blow up the world), and Lady Gaga performs (wait... isn't she dead?).
Finale option #2: Just as they're about to announce the winner, Fox cuts away to show exclusive footage of me using my jetpack to fly into an active volcano and rescue a basket of kittens. Meanwhile, wolves devour the American Idol winner.
THURSDAY, MAY 19
9:00 FOX BONES
Season finale! Booth goes undercover as a bowler to solve a murder. (I think this might be just an excuse to go bowling.)
10:30 NBC PARKS AND RECREATION
Season finale! The death of Li'l Sebastian rocks the town of Pawnee. (Note: Li'l Sebastian is a midget horse.)
FRIDAY, MAY 20
9:00 CW SUPERNATURAL
Season finale! Sam's "memory-blocking wall" comes crashing down. Ummm... I have the exact same wall! (At least that's what I tell my ex-wives.)
SATURDAY, MAY 21
9:00 ANI MY CAT FROM HELL
Season finale! Dramatic re-creations of bat-poop crazy cats scratching up the couches and thighs of their owners.
9:00 SYFY SINBAD AND THE MINOTAUR—Movie
(2011) Thank god it's not that Sinbad (the comedian)... but it is that Minotaur!
SUNDAY, MAY 22
10:00 AMC THE KILLING
The Larsens tire of police incompetence and give their own incompetence a shot!
MONDAY, MAY 23
9:00 ABC THE BACHELORETTE
Season premiere! A new bachelorette screens 25 potential husbands (at the STD clinic)!
TUESDAY, MAY 24
8:00 NBC THE BIGGEST LOSER
Season finale! The grand-prize winner takes home $250,000, the runners-up take home pizza rolls.
9:00 PBS FRONTLINE
An examination of the WikiLeaks scandal, including interviews with its leaky founder, Julian Assange.
WEDNESDAY, MAY 25
9:00 ABC MODERN FAMILY
Season finale! Phil wants to go fishing for his b-day, the family wants to throw him a party. Hilarity and sadness ensue.
9:30 ABC COUGAR TOWN
Season finale! The gang takes a trip to Hawaii, and... hey! Don't pick up that cursed tiki idol!!