Okay, I think we can all admit that this past season of TV shows ate the b-hole out of a donkey. It LITERALLY was so bad, it LITERALLY asked a donkey if it could feast on its b-hole—because asking a donkey first is the polite thing to do. Don't ask me how I know this. Anyway, the point is that when a TV season stinks, I sorta kinda stink, too. When left with nothing interesting to say, I often feel backed into a corner, and in a blind panic say unseemly things about the b-holes of donkeys.
That's why I'm SUPER excited about the NEW fall season of TV shows, and even more excited that you're going to see a brand-new "me." Those overly descriptive essays in which I compare certain TV shows to the interior of a syphilitic donkey's gastrointestinal system? GONE! The brand-new "me" will be pleasant, well mannered, informative, and practically devoid of any donkey-related obsessive behavior. As proof, here are a few 100 percent donkey-free descriptions of some of the brand spankin' new shows debuting this fall. Hee-haw! I mean... yahoo!
• Ringer (The CW, Tuesdays this fall). Certainly you remember Sarah Michelle Gellar, previously seen on Buffy the Vampire Slayer and later, the unemployment line? Well, Sarah is back in a new Black Swan-ish drama/thriller in which she takes over the identity of her bitchy dead twin sis. Has Sarah's acting improved? NO, IT HASN'T! But that's okay, because this over-the-top soapy delight has more kick than a donkey caving in a farm boy's testicles... umm... make that "an ostrich." They kick, right?
• Hart of Dixie (The CW, Mondays this fall). Speaking of out-of-work actresses, my 2005 crush of the year, Rachel Bilson (formerly Summer from The O.C.), is the star of this fish-out-of-water story about a fancy-pantsy New York doctor who's forced to treat hillbillies in the toothless wilds of Alabama. Expect a plethora of overdressed Southern belles! Angry alligators! Brief love affairs with sweaty, hillbilly hunks! Unexpected compassion for her patients! And—not because I'm obsessed with them or anything, because I'm not—a donkey or two. IT'S ALABAMA. (Donkeys are their SUVs.)
• Charlie's Angels (ABC, Thursdays this fall). A reboot of the classic sexpot cop show of the '70s, this version sports three brand-new hotties (Annie Ilonzeh, Minka Kelly, and Rachael Taylor) who use their wicked secret agent skillz to knock some violent, ass-beating sense into those no-good bad guys. YOU GO, GIRLS! (Especially in those teeny bikinis. Now, where exactly are you hiding the guns?)
• Terra Nova (Fox, Mondays this fall). The year? 2149! The problem? The earth eats donkey b-hole! (Dammit! Sorry.) A brave family leaves everything behind to create a new civilization in this CG-heavy drama that combines Land of the Lost, Avatar, and a heapin' helping of Jurassic Park, because—that's right!—their new home is infested with ass-chomping DINOSAURS. (This show will definitely not eat donkey b-hole, because... well, who wants to eat dinosaur b-hole?)
THURSDAY, MAY 26
8:00 FOX SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE
Season premiere! Auditions begin, featuring dancers that look like monkeys having seizures.
8:00 DFH MY STRANGE ADDICTION
A hilarious repeat featuring someone who sleeps with a blow dryer, and a woman who eats toilet paper.
FRIDAY, MAY 27
11:00 VH1 STORYTELLERS
Songs and stories from your indie heartthrobs and mine, Death Cab for Cutie.
SATURDAY, MAY 28
8:00 BBCA DOCTOR WHO
The doctor discovers a futuristic factory where cloned humans perform dangerous jobs—such as milking donkeys.
SUNDAY, MAY 29
9:00 TLC MY BIG FAT GYPSY WEDDING
Debut! Okay, so they've included weddings, fat people, gypsies... where are the midgets??
10:00 AMC THE KILLING
The cops decide they no longer like their current prime suspect, and choose a new one. MAKE UP YOUR MIND ALREADY!!
MONDAY, MAY 30
9:00 VH1 SINGLE LADIES
Debut! A new Sex and the City-ish reality show about three ladies on the prowl! Rrrrrowrrr!!
10:00 BRAVO PLATINUM HIT
Debut! Songwriters compete to see who can write the best tune, presided over by Jewel (ugh!) and Idol failure Kara DioGuardi (UGH!!).
10:00 ABC EXTREME MAKEOVER: WEIGHT LOSS EDITION
Debut! Again I ask you: WHERE... ARE... THE... MIDGETS??
TUESDAY, MAY 31
8:00 NBC AMERICA'S GOT TALENT
Season premiere! The judges return to supervise the modern-day version of the circus freak show.
10:00 DSC DECEPTION WITH KEITH BARRY
Debut! "Mentalist" Keith Barry explores the art of deception. You're not tricking me into watching this, dude!
WEDNESDAY, JUNE 1
10:00 NBC LOVE IN THE WILD
Debut! In this new reality show, singles hook up in the jungle. Now they can get malaria as well as herpes!
10:00 OXY THE WORLD ACCORDING TO PARIS
Debut! Paris Hilton returns with another reality show, and desperately needs a new catchphrase other than, "That's hot." How about, "That's tepid!"