Goddamn kids! I'll tell YOU the trouble with kids today. All they care about are their goddamn Pokey-Mans, iPods, Sunny D's, Pop Rocks, Kid Bopz, Razor scooters, internet porn, bear traps, sandwich fixin's, IUDs, Elmo, karate lessons, Santa Claus, Katy Perry, Lady Goo-Goo, sexting, unicycles, jaguars (the animal, not the car), fist pumps, saxophone solos, binge drinking, caramel corn, raising the national debt ceiling, monster trucks, flash mobs, pogs, Ninja Turtles, Dig Dug, Indians, mayonnaise, Pilates, graffiti, swirlies, weight lifting, tongue piercing, Cracker Jacks... (DEEP INHALE)... fried shrimp, the MTV, go-go dancing, beat poetry, ice cream trucks, Steven Seagal, Japanese war memorabilia, pogo sticks, diamonds, Silly Bandz, Halloween, hand jobs, and comfortable shoes.
Oh, and kids' TV shows! If you gave a kid a choice whether they'd rather watch Hannah Montana or an acclaimed documentary about the economic collapse of Wall Street and the corrupt financial mechanisms that bilked billions out of bankers and hedge fund managers, they'd pick... wait... now I've forgotten what the choice was. OH! They'd pick Hannah Montana every time!
And because you're gonna look like a goddamn IDIOT to teenagers if you don't already know this information, here are three shows debuting this week catering to the kidtarded tastes of today's youth.
• My Babysitter's a Vampire (Disney Channel, Friday June 10, 7 pm). A teen left in charge of his little sister screws it up, which leads his parents to hire a professional babysitter—WHO JUST HAPPENS TO BE A VAMPIRE?? WHAAAAAT? Expect over-the-top acting, teeth-grinding puns, and thinly veiled references to necrophilia and the oral manipulation of genitalia.
• Kickin' It (Disney XD, Monday June 13, 8:30 pm). The owner of the worst martial arts studio in the universe hires a smart-mouth wise-ass punk (and kung fu expert) to whip his students into shape. THIS IS A CRAP IDEA. Kids shouldn't know how to beat up adults, and this could make me hesitate before smacking the teeth out of their smart-mouth, wise-ass punk mouths.
• The Nine Lives of Chloe King (ABC Family, Tuesday June 14, 9 pm). Based on the tweeny book series, a teenager discovers she's descended from an ancient race of cat-people or something, and develops "enhanced speed, hearing, agility, and the ability to climb objects using her claws." Ack! That sounds like my ex-wife!! PASS.
Now if these kids REALLY want to watch something good, they'll tune into the HUB Network (check your cable/satellite provider for availability), which features poop-tons of great cartoons from when I was a little smart-mouth wise-ass punk. Watch Transformers, My Little Pony, G.I. Joe, Fraggle Rock, and the best children's show in the history of the goddamn universe, Jem and the Holograms! EEEEEEE!!!
So put that in your pipe and don't inhale it, you smart-mouth wise-ass punks! Or if you'd rather, go on back to your goddamn roller skates, Justin Biebers, Hubba Bubba, PCP raves, slap bracelets, Malibu Barbies, vodka eyeballing, Lisa Frank notebooks, Doc Martens, hacky sacks, streaking, coonskin caps, Marlboro Lights... (to be continued next week).
THURSDAY, JUNE 9
9:00 NBC THE OFFICE
In this repeat, Michael is forced to be pleasant to his arch-nemesis (and truly, a horrible monster) Toby.
Midnight TOON CHILDRENS HOSPITAL
Briggs goes undercover in the children's psych ward—which is filled with mini-Mike Myers.
FRIDAY, JUNE 10
7:00 DIS MY BABYSITTER'S A VAMPIRE
Debut! A gorgeous teen vampire is paid to baby-sit a 14-year-old boy. SCORE!!!
9:00 SPIKE GUYS CHOICE AWARDS
Celebrating stuff dudes like, AND the much-anticipated cast reunion of Fast Times at Ridgemont High!
SATURDAY, JUNE 11
8:00 NBC FIELD OF VISION—Movie
(2011) Bullies jeopardize a high school's chances for football glory in this treacle-y TV movie that will probably encourage bullying.
SUNDAY, JUNE 12
9:00 OXY THE GLEE PROJECT
Debut! Contestants compete to be in a seven-episode arc on Glee. I'd rather guest star in the Holocaust.
9:00 ANI SWAMP WARS
Why do we need to fight a war over a swamp? NOBODY WANTS A SWAMP.
MONDAY, JUNE 13
8:30 DISXD KICKIN' IT
Debut! A failing dojo is saved by a martial arts whiz kid, and "Kung foolery" ensues! GET IT???
10:00 MTV TEEN WOLF
Scott's position on the lacrosse team is threatened by his secret werewolf lifestyle... or is it?
TUESDAY, JUNE 14
9:00 ABCFAM THE NINE LIVES OF CHLOE KING
Debut! Chloe dies on her 16th birthday—but wakes up to discover weird new powers... like coughing up hairballs.
10:30 COM JON BENJAMIN HAS A VAN
Debut! Comedian Jon Benjamin visits different communities in his van, thereby creeping out a LOT of parents.
WEDNESDAY, JUNE 15
8:00 DFH 100 ORGASMS A DAY
I like to put this show into the listings whenever it comes on, because it sounds like information you might need to know. Soooo... enjoy?
10:00 TLC TODDLERS & TIARAS
Season premiere! Two toddlers face off in the ultimate "OMG, Why Are You Doing This to Your Children?!" pageant challenge!