I Love Television™ 

TV! Make Daddy a Drink!

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First things first! I'm not much of what you kids today call a "videogamer." For me—AND THIS IS JUST MY OPINION, MIND YOU—playing videogames is a fruitless pursuit, which wastes precious time that could be better spent acquiring myriad interesting sexually transmitted diseases (and/or sores). But HEY. If you like chasing your little Pac-Mans around a blinky screen, or jumping around like an ignoramus while trying to avoid a barrel-throwing monkey, or fake kung fu fighting some poorly drawn and racially suspect Japanese characters, then by all means, have a fabulous time. I'll be trading STDs with your mom.

That being said, I read some extremely interesting news regarding the videogame technology world that could change the way I watch television (and the way I make snide remarks about videogamers). Microsoft's Xbox announced the fall launch of "Live TV"—and the things it promises to do are FREAKY. Besides playing dorky games, it will also be able to stream live television from the box to your TV, conduct Bing internet searches for even more content (from Hulu, Netflix, etc.), AND use "motion-sensing Kinect technology" to allow viewers to control their TV-viewing experience with their MOUTHS, rather than an old-timey remote control!

From PCMag.com: "For instance, if you want to watch X-Men, you can simply say, 'Xbox Bing X-Men' and Bing will pull up all X-Men-related games and movies stored in your console. You can then say, 'Xbox Play X-Men' to start playing the movie."

WHAT... THE... FREAK?? On one hand, if you EVER hear me say the words, "Xbox Bing X-Men," get me to a hospital QUICK, because I'm having a stroke. On the other hand, I'm really digging the idea of telling someone (or something) what to do, and then they actually do it! (This supposedly simple concept was entirely lost on my ex-wives, Mrs. Wm.™ Steven Humphrey I through III.)

Anyway, I can't wait for this mouth-controlled technology to kick in, because I have a few things to tell my TV! Such as...

"TELEVISION! MAKE JAY LENO FUNNY!" This could also be extended to "TELEVISION! MAKE SNL FUNNY!" or "TELEVISION! MAKE AMERICAN IDOL HILLBILLY CONTESTANTS SING LIKE ACTUAL PEOPLE!" or "TELEVISION! COMBINE ALL OF BRAVO'S 10,000 REAL HOUSEWIVES SHOWS INTO ONE HOUSEWIFE SHOW!

But if the technologists who invented this stuff were really on the ball, they'd turn my TV into a device that would willingly cater to ALL of my wishes, including...

"TELEVISION! CALL MRS. WM.™ STEVEN HUMPHREY II AND TELL HER I DIDN'T UPLOAD ANY NUDE PHOTOS OF HER ON THE INTERNET... RECENTLY." Or, "TELEVISION! SMELL THIS HAM AND TELL ME IF IT'S SPOILED!" Or, "TELEVISION! TEA! EARL GREY! HOT!" (That was a Star Trek: The Next Generation reference for all the nerds I previously insulted with my anti-videogame screed.) Hmmm... what else... oh yeah!

"TELEVISION! IDENTIFY THIS SORE!"

THURSDAY, JUNE 16

6:00 NGC GEO BEE 2011

The final elimination round for the National Geographic Geo Bee! (And no, the winner does not receive a "swirlie.")

Midnight TOON CHILDRENS HOSPITAL

Dr. Brian returns after playing a doctor on the program Black Hospital. I WANT TO SEE THIS SHOW!!

FRIDAY, JUNE 17

8:00 NGC FLEA MAN

Debut! A flea market expert helps people sell their crap. (I was hoping for more of a "flea whisperer" situation.)

10:30 IFC THE WHITEST KIDS U' KNOW

Series finale! The last episode ever from this frequently heeelarious sketch group!

SATURDAY, JUNE 18

9:00 BBCA OUTCASTS

Debut! A sci-fi drama about colonists rebuilding their lives after a nuclear catastrophe.

11:30 BBCA COME FLY WITH ME

Debut! Another Brit import, this time a mockumentary about a low-budget airline, starring Matt Lucas and David Walliams.

SUNDAY, JUNE 19

8:00 CBS THE DAYTIME EMMY AWARDS

Someone needs to tell CBS that they don't make daytime soap operas anymore.

9:00 HBO GAME OF THRONES

Season finale! Fighting! Peter Dinklage! Doggy-style sex! That is all.

10:00 AMC THE KILLING

Season finale! Sarah discovers the identity of the mysterious "Orpheus," and that no one cares anymore.

MONDAY, JUNE 20

9:00 A&E HOARDERS

Season premiere! The new season opens with a couple that hoards VHS copies of hoarding shows.

TUESDAY, JUNE 21

9:00 ABC 101 WAYS TO LEAVE A GAME SHOW

Debut! When a contestant loses in this game show, he or she is ejected via increasingly cruel (but festive!) means.

10:00 ABC COMBAT HOSPITAL

Debut! Like M*A*S*H, except in Afghanistan and not funny. (Wait... M*A*S*H wasn't funny, was it?)

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 22

9:00 TLC I DIDN'T KNOW I WAS PREGNANT

Season premiere! In this season's opener, a woman with severe gas poops out twins.

10:00 ABC BEYOND BELIEF

Debut! A five-part miniseries on ESP and psychic phenomena! (I totally knew they were gonna do that.)

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