My fellow Americans: Every year at this time—despite my editor's heavy sighs of exasperation—I shove aside my usual nattering about television to expound on a subject you obviously don't give two donkey plops about: PATRIOTISM!! (Warning: You're about to find yourself on the business end of a stern lecture. It's best if you just sit there attentively and take it, rather than interrupting with back sass. Seriously, that behavior will just extend my lecture by at least two hours—so shut your stupid mouth, glue your eyes on me, and LISTEN.)
While probably not a shock, your "patriotism score" is at an all-time LOW, therefore forcing me to give you a grade of "UNSATISFACTORY." In comparison, my patriotism score is through the roof (as usual), which is why I'm awarding myself a grade of "A+++++ Awesomely Excellent!" Why are your scores so low? THREE REASONS: (1) You are lazy and ungrateful. (2) You hate America, and all she stands for. (3) You didn't eat enough breakfast, and now you're suffering from low blood sugar. Wait... there's a fourth reason! YOU'VE LOST TOUCH WITH THE PATRIOT INSIDE.
Remember your youth? When you recited the Pledge of Allegiance every day, waved flags on the Fourth of July, and was told at every opportunity that America kicks all kinds of ass? While this message may have been sort of inaccurate—that's beside the point! Remember this phrase, my friends, because it is the only true thing you will ever hear in your life: PERCEPTION IS REALITY. You perceived that America was the ass-kickingest country in the world, and the Soviet Union sucked balls, and therefore America WAS the ass-kickingest country in the world. However, now your perception is that WE are the ones who suck balls—thanks almost entirely to idiot war-mongering Republicans, as well as sad-sack do-nothing Democrats—and that's an incorrect perception (that is, unless you enjoy sucking the occasional ball, which is certainly your right as an American)!
THEREFORE! If perception is indeed reality, you need to snap out of your anti-American funk, and get some good, old-fashioned jingoistic pro-USA brainwashing up in that noggin of yours! AND I'M HERE TO PROVIDE JUST THAT! Since you probably haven't repeated the Pledge of Allegiance since you turned 13 and started smoking pot, I'm forced to bombard you with patriotic imagery until your brain returns to its original, pre-cynical, America-drooling state. Ready? Okay... relax... make your mind a blank slate... AND LET'S DO THIS!
America! Red, white, and blue! Fireworks! ATVs! The perceived existence of God! Forty-ounce malt liquor! John Wayne! Giving the finger to the British! Rodeos! Scalping Nazis! Majestic watercolor paintings of bald eagles! Terry cloth tube tops! Uncle Sam pointing at things! Internet porn! Hot dogs! Laughing at Canada! Donkeys high diving into shallow pools at low-rent carnivals in strip mall parking lots! And... the Statue of Liberty... costume that unemployed people wear when they're standing on the side of the road and waving signs advertising mattress company liquidation sales.
Phew. You're welcome, America. Everybody else? Suck a ball.
THURSDAY, JUNE 30
10:30 FX LOUIE
Louie expounds on "the futility of existence," ruining yet another potentially awesome first date.
Midnight TOON CHILDRENS HOSPITAL
Things start to look a lot better around the hospital when a pediatric plastic surgeon joins the staff.
FRIDAY, JULY 1
8:00 NBC FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS
Budget cuts affect the team's playoff chances, and... OMG. This show is even more boring than Glee!
8:00 NICK BUCKET & SKINNER'S EPIC ADVENTURES
Debut! A new tween show about two surf rats navigating high school and bathing rituals.
SATURDAY, JULY 2
8:00 BBCA BATTLESTAR GALACTICA
This Battlestar repeat features sexy Boomer trying to explain why Cylon detonators were found on her ship. HMMMMM....
SUNDAY, JULY 3
9:00 HBO TRUE BLOOD
Jessica struggles with the fact that human blood tastes so much better than the canned stuff!
10:00 NBC MARRIAGE REF
This week co-starring Tracy Morgan. (He probably won't be refereeing any gay marriages.)
MONDAY, JULY 4
3:00 AMC ROCKY MARATHON!
An all-day salute to America and sitting on your couch with the Rocky movies, one through five!
10:00 NBC MACY'S FIREWORKS SPECTACULAR
Nothing says "America" more than blowing shit up, and special musical guest Beyoncé.
TUESDAY, JULY 5
9:00 ABC 101 WAYS TO LEAVE A GAME SHOW
Tonight's losers will be thrown through a burning wall, or off a cliff in the back of a pickup. Their choice!
10:00 MTV TEEN MOM
Debut! This is a spinoff of 16 and Pregnant, and not (as I expected) a spinoff of Teen Wolf.
WEDNESDAY, JULY 6
10:00 ABC NIGHTLINE: BEYOND BELIEF
An investigative report into appearances of the Virgin Mary in windows, tree stumps, and cans of Coors Light.
10:00 NBC LOVE IN THE WILD
The couples are challenged to navigate a challenging ropes course, as well as using banana peels instead of condoms.