Jeremy Eaton

First, let it be stated that I don't know a single person who watches (or will admit to watching) the CBS sitcom Two and a Half Men. (For those who wish to remain fashionably ignorant, Two and a Half Men is the one that stars Duckie from Pretty in Pink and Charlie Sheen before he decided to stop being sober and start "WINNING.") However! Apparently someone must be watching this show because it's consistently one of CBS' top-rated programs—at least among the network's chief demographic, 33- to 44-year-old mentally handicapable donkeys and incontinent nursing home residents who can't quite remember where the remote went (or how to operate it). And that's why CBS is so gung ho to send Charlie on his merry way and replace him with someone almost as annoying: mop-topped coffin-robber Ashton Kutcher.

BUT GET THIS! According to a recent report from gossip site TMZ: "[Co-creator (and #1 Sheen nemesis)] Chuck Lorre's plan is to make sure Charlie Sheen can NEVER come back on the show. Although the first show won't be filmed until August 5, producers have been kicking around scenarios [for the character's death], which include Charlie driving a car over a cliff."

Now, that's not a terrible idea—especially if they show the car flying off the cliff with a laugh track playing in the background. But while I'm convinced there at least eight million better ways for Charlie Sheen to die, for the sake of brevity, here are three:

Charlie is killed in a tragic douchebag accident. In this scenario, Charlie Sheen is on the beach covering his entire body with Axe body spray, and asking suntanning girls to show him their "bazoooooooms!" when his bowling shirt (purchased from Urban Outfitters) mysteriously gets caught in a passing jet ski, thereby yanking him into the ocean, where he slowly and painfully drowns as his mangled, floppy body is towed all the way to Australia (where the majority of the world's douchebags reside).

Gummed to death by cows! I've given explicit instructions to my family and friends that if and when I die, my body is to be thrown to a pack of ravenous wolves. (Rather than being remembered as slowly succumbing to leukemia or Parkinson's, I want people to say, "Humpy was eaten by wolves?? Awwwwwesome!" However, since we DON'T like Charlie Sheen, he should perish slowly and monotonously by being gummed to death by a herd of toothless cows. "Charlie Sheen was gummed to death by cows?? Psssht! Typical."

Charlie falls into a porn star's vagina. Now, hear me out on this one: It's common knowledge that Charlie hangs out with a LOT of porn stars. And I'm not saying it's wrong for a porn star to have a dangerously large (perhaps even cavernous) vagina. However, one must admit there would be some poetic justice if Charlie Sheen just happened to be walking past a porn star, slipped on a used condom, and tumbled to his death, headfirst, into an extremely deep vagina. (Sure, he could be driving a car at the time—but c'mon... that's unrealistic.)

THURSDAY, JULY 7

9:00 CBS BIG BROTHER

Season premiere! A brand-new batch of roomies is trapped in a house in hopes somebody gets murdered.

10:00 FX WILFRED

It's big trouble for Ryan when his violent, porn-addicted neighbor shows up—without his porn!

FRIDAY, JULY 8

10:00 STARZ TORCHWOOD: MIRACLE DAY

Season premiere! The geektastic adventure show moves to pay cable! (So... ummm... pay up?)

11:00 SHO2 THE GAYVN AWARDS

Celebrating the best in gay adult porn—this year featuring a "prison-themed production number"!

SATURDAY, JULY 9

11:30 NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE

It's a repeat featuring Tina Fey! (YAYY!) But not the one with Justin Bieber. (BOOOOOO!!)

SUNDAY, JULY 10

10:00 HBO CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM

Season premiere! Larry David returns—this time he has a bone to pick with lawyers and Girl Scouts who sell cookies.

10:00 VH1 FAMOUS FOOD

Debut! A reality series in which celebrities you've never heard of (except Heidi from The Hills) open a restaurant.

MONDAY, JULY 11

9:00 DSC MAN VS. WILD

Season premiere! Host Bear Grylls is joined by actor/camping buddy Jake Gyllenhaal in a totally UN-erotic adventure. Okay??

10:00 SYFY ALPHAS

Debut! A new series about superheroes who complain about being superheroes. Here's my complaint: I CAN'T FLY!!

TUESDAY, JULY 12

8:00 FOX MAJOR LEAGUE ALL-STAR GAME

To make this interesting, how about a major league kickball game instead?

9:00 NBC AMERICA'S GOT TALENT

Sure, America has some talent... but where are the Thai strippers who shoot ping-pong balls?

WEDNESDAY, JULY 13

9:00 LIF ROSEANNE'S NUTS

Debut! FINALLY!! A reality show about Roseanne Barr's Hawaiian macadamia nut farm. Where has this show been all my life?!?

10:00 FX RESCUE ME

Season premiere! Things really heat up (GET IT???) in the seventh (and probably last season) of this bad-boy fire station drama!