Joe Newton

OH, YOU ARE NOT GOING TO BELIEVE THIS BULL-PLOP! So as you probably know, there's this super-popular kiddie movie opening this week called Harry Potter and the Howling Herpes of Hogwarts or some crap like that. What-EVER, right? I'll be spending my 10 dollars on something based in REALITY—most likely booze, booze, or a quickly negotiated handjob administered in the alley behind the establishment where I purchased the booze.

HOWEVER! This is what gets my goat: It's bad enough that Harry Potter hysteria is infecting our nation's cineplexes and mall food courts (where I eat two-thirds of my meals), but it's also leaving one of its "Hogwarts" on my TV this week! Monday, July 18 at 8 pm will mark the debut of a new Lifetime movie entitled Magic Beyond Words: The J.K. Rowling Story—which, in case you didn't know, is all about the idiot savant who wrote those Harry Potter books! THIS DRIVES ME INSANE because J.K. Rowling has done absolutely NOTHING to deserve a Lifetime made-for-TV movie! For those born inside an Amish cave, Lifetime ONLY produces movies about the following topics: Women with eating disorders (Hunger Point), women who get syphilis (She's Too Young), women who get murdered (The Craigslist Killer), women who gross the rest of us out (My Stepson, My Lover), women who are secretly impregnated by their dentists (Crimes of Passion: She Woke Up Pregnant), and women who request to sleep with danger (Mother, May I Sleep with Danger, starring—swoon—Tori Spelling)!

Did J.K. Rowling get anorexia, syphilis, murdered, secretly impregnated by a dental professional, or sleep with danger and/or her stepson? NO! One minute she was poor, the next she wasn't. The End. THANK YOU FOR WATCHING THE J.K. ROWLING STORY.

Look. I don't even have a vagina, and I'm more worthy of a Lifetime movie. What's that? You'd like to read a treatment of any Lifetime movie about me? WELL, WHAT A COINCIDENCE! I have one right here!

Plot synopsis for You Never Promised Me a Handjob... Wait... Actually, You Did: The Wm.™ Steven Humphrey Story. (This is an unauthorized biography, by the way.)

This story dramatizes the incredible, true tale of how Wm.™ Steven Humphrey rose from a filthy pit of absolute squalor to become a world-renowned TV columnist—who still lives in a filthy pit of absolute squalor. Conceived in a perverted dental hygienist's chair, Wm.™ Steven Humphrey was born an anorexic victim of bulimia, whose dream was to ultimately sleep with "Danger" (his stepmother's maiden name) in an attempt to get rid of his syphilis and become Craigslist's most famous murderer. Unfortunately, these dreams were dashed when he was hired as a TV columnist for a filthy, alternative rag that doesn't seem to mind that he spent an entire column talking about a stupid Lifetime movie instead of the season premiere of the greatest show on television, Breaking Bad (AMC, Sun July 17, 10 pm), and the season premiere of the second-greatest show on television, My Strange Addiction (TLC, Sun July 17, 10 pm) in which a man obsessively collects shower drain hair.

(SPOILER ALERT! My Lifetime movie doesn't end so well.)

THURSDAY, JULY 14

9:00 CMT SWEET HOME ALABAMA

Debut! It's like The Bachelorette—except with a gaggle of hillbillies.

10:30 FX LOUIE

Louie's Atlantic City show BOMBS—but luckily Joan Rivers is there to pick up the shrapnel.

FRIDAY, JULY 15

8:00 NBC FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS

Series finale! The last episode ever... and don't let the door hit your ass on the way out! (I'm sorry, but why you love this show??)

SATURDAY, JULY 16

9:00 FOX THE INDESTRUCTIBLES

People who mysteriously survive horrible accidents, such as being mauled by lions. (Maybe they taste like crap?)

9:00 SYFY SUPER ERUPTION—Movie

(2011) A park ranger races to save dipshit campers when a super volcano threatens to erase Yellowstone!

SUNDAY, JULY 17

10:00 AMC BREAKING BAD

Season premiere! Gus takes drastic steps to keep his meth coming (which means Walt and Jesse are waaaay up poop creek).

10:00 TLC MY STRANGE ADDICTION

Season premiere! Two awesome episodes featuring rat lovers, icky fingernails, drywall eating, and (ahhh) shower drain hair collecting.

MONDAY, JULY 18

8:00 FOX HELL'S KITCHEN

Season premiere! Chef Ramsay returns to teach a kitchen full of "fucking donkeys" how to make crappy risotto.

9:00 TNICK DEGRASSI: THE NEXT GENERATION

Season premiere! Fact: Degrassi kids rule, Glee kids drool.

TUESDAY, JULY 19

8:00 NBC IT'S WORTH WHAT?

Debut! Cedric the Entertainer hosts this Price is Right update (that doesn't really require an update).

11:00 MTV AWKWARD

Debut! One tiny unfortunate accident leads to a clustereff of epic proportions for a nerdy teen.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 20

9:00 TLC I DIDN'T KNOW I WAS PREGNANT

A woman is surprised when her "burrito baby" turns out to be a "baby baby."

10:00 FX RESCUE ME

Tommy hits the roof when a 9/11 documentary features his dead cousin Jimmy. (It's gauche to be jealous of the dead, btw.)