Look, I have nothing against Shark Week. Indeed, this annual week-long television tribute to those finny, ass-chomping murderers of the deep is just as anticipated in the Humpy household as Christmas, Easter, and all those other made-up holidays. HOWEVER! All I'm saying is that the Discovery Channel could devote the occasional week to a far more frightening animal—for example, the weenie dog. DON'T YOU DARE LAUGH AT MY PHOBIA!! The weenie dog is, statistically speaking, the far more dangerous animal of the two, and here's my three-pronged proof:
Proof One! Unless you're that dick Aquaman, how much time do you, the average person, spend in the ocean? Maybe 20 minutes a year tops? Comparatively, how many times a year do you pass a weenie dog? I dunno... maybe 125? Therefore your ankle's chances of being mauled by a weenie dog are 125 times greater than a similar attack from a shark. (Note: The previous statistic was pulled directly from my ass, but it's nonetheless scientifically sound.)
Proof Two! Weenie dogs are the worst. The worst dogs, yes. But also the worst anything. Weenie dogs are ugly, misshapen, unnecessarily angry, and racist. YES, RACIST!! Because of their German descent, not only do they despise Jews and homosexuals, they hate ALL races—except the weenie dog race. There's only one weenie dog race I love... and that's when 20 weenie dogs race each other around a horse track. It's HILARIOUS!! (Racists racing are always funny. I can still hate them, though.)
Proof Three! Weenie dogs are clinically insane. Are sharks insane? NO. When they take a bite out of a seal, surfer, or sex-crazed teenager, it's usually because they're starving to death. Conversely, the reason weenie dogs take a bite out of people's ankles is for one of the following reasons: (1) Weenie Dog God told them to. (2) The person's ankle reminds them of a Jew. (3) They believe their teeth are miniature diamond-encrusted robots that will eventually teleport them to weenie dog heaven if constantly coated in human blood and cat feces. In short, WEENIE DOGS ARE BATSHIT CRAZY!!
That being said, Discovery Channel does not have a "Weenie Dog Week," it has a "Shark Week"—so we'll just have to be satisfied with a week devoted to a less frightening, less violently bonkers animal. Here are a few documentary highlights:
• Summer of the Shark (Mon Aug 1, 10 pm). In the summer of 2009, sharks inexplicably started attacking Australians like crazy. (This does not make sharks racist—everyone hates Australians.)
• Killer Sharks (Tues Aug 2, 9 pm). In 1957, tourists flock to a posh South African beach, but according to the press release, "It's not long before the white sands are clogged with dead bodies and the sapphire waters run red with blood." (That could easily be the inner monologue for any weenie dog.)
• Rogue Sharks (Mon Aug 1, 9 pm). An examination of why sharks sometime go "rogue" and develop a taste for human flesh. A "rogue" in the weenie dog community would be considered friendly, obedient, and might even develop a taste for... oh, I don't know... maybe Alpo in a can?
THURSDAY, JULY 28
9:00 LIF PROJECT RUNWAY
Season premiere! Heidi Klum and Tim Gunn return to give mentally unbalanced designers some scissors.
10:00 MTV JERSEY SHORE: FROM THE FIRST FIST PUMP
A fond, greasy look back at the gals and Guidos of Jersey Shore.
FRIDAY, JULY 29
8:00 TOON THUNDERCATS
Debut! A sexy reboot of the classic kids' cartoon from the '80s featuring Lion-O, Tygra, and Cheetara! MEEEE-OW!
11:00 G4 IRON MAN
Debut! A Japanese anime re-styling of Iron Man (as if a guy flying around in a tin can needs to get weirder).
SATURDAY, JULY 30
9:00 BIO CELEBRITY GHOST STORIES
This week featuring The Cosby Show's Keshia Knight Pulliam. (Who was once haunted by Cliff Huxtable's sweater!! EEEEEEEE!!!)
11:00 BBCA OUTNUMBERED
Debut! Check out this hilariously cynical Britcom about a family that's screwier than yours.
SUNDAY, JULY 31
9:00 DSC GREAT WHITE INVASION
Note: This is a "Shark Week" documentary, and not a movie about IKEA customers.
10:00 ANI HEIDI FLEISS: PROSTITUTES TO PARROTS
Another thing scarier than sharks: whore parrots!
MONDAY, AUGUST 1
8:00 ABC THE BACHELORETTE
Season finale! Ashley makes her final decision: Will it be suave, genteel herpes? Or rugged ne'er-do-well gonorrhea?
9:00 OXY THE BAD GIRLS CLUB
Season premiere! A brand-new group of bad girls arrive, which means no hair weave will be safe!
TUESDAY, AUGUST 2
8:00 DSC TOP FIVE EATEN ALIVE
Another bloody "Shark Week" entry featuring killer sharks and the asses they eat.
9:00 ABC TAKE THE MONEY AND RUN
Debut! If regular Joes 'n' Janes successfully hide $100,000 from professional investigators, they keep the money!
WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 3
8:00 DSC INTO THE SHARK BITE
Scientists stick tiny cameras into the mouths of angry sharks. (They're too afraid to do this with weenie dogs.)