"The stars shine bright! All day and night! [CLAP! CLAP! CLAP! CLAP!] Deep in the heaaaart of Texas!" That song is the only good thing about Texas. Now admittedly, I don't know much about the state. I've visited it on only one occasion: It was 1984 and I was a drug mule for a large-ish crime cartel. (Hey! I paid for college without getting student loans. DID YOU??) I was transported into the state by speedboat, and when I came ashore, it looked like a third-world nation. The buildings were decrepit, and the people—most wearing tunics or sarongs—were angrily glaring at my choice of clothing: Daisy Duke shorts and a Loverboy 1983 "Keep It Up Tour" sleeveless T-shirt. The roadside vendors sold a dish called "wet thar dote htoe"—literally, "pork on a stick," which was... WAIT. I'm thinking of Burma. I've never been to Texas.
HOWEVER! Just because I've actually never been to this particular state, doesn't mean I can't make ignorant, sweeping generalizations about it. For example: All Texans eat ketchup on their hot dogs! (An unfortunate choice usually made only by the mentally unfit.) Texas does not have police departments—instead, they use "Walker Texas Rangers." (Not sure how these rangers plan on catching criminals using walkers instead of police cars—but I suppose that's their problem.) Everyone in Texas wears gigantic 10-gallon cowboy hats and boots made from supple dolphin skin, rides bucking broncos to work every morning, and yells, "YEEEEEE-HAW! I DONE STRUCK OIL AGAIN!! I'M GONNA SCREW ME A GOAT!!"
Which actually kind of makes it sound like an interesting place, yes? NO!! Once again, TV rides to the rescue this week with three shows spotlighting why you should never, ever visit Texas under any circumstances. (Unless you're a college drug mule.)
Texas Women (CMT, Thurs Aug 11, 10 pm): This show is billed as "an exciting peek inside the lives of four young, gorgeous, and sassy women working and playing in Fort Worth, Texas." Translated: It's a Sex and the City remake—except in a city teeming with toothless hillbillies, where sex is limited to inbreeding behind the outhouse or, as previously mentioned, goats.
Big Rich Texas (Style, Sun Aug 14, 9 pm): Contrary to popular belief, Texas has rich, entitled assholes just like the rest of the country. (Tip o' the cowboy hat to the Bush family!) This show spotlights eight Dallas, Texas, ladies entrenched in the exclusive world of the city's social elite, where one must strictly adhere to every rule of high society—for example, sculpting one's hair into a granite-hard Aqua Net helmet, endlessly making catty remarks, and injecting enough Botox to make one look like a Cabbage Patch doll trying to squeeze its face through a duck's b-hole.
American Hoggers (A&E, originally scheduled for Tues Aug 16, 10 pm, postponed until fall): THIS JUST IN! American Hoggers—the show you've all been waiting for about a Texas family that chases hogs for a living—has been postponed due to the current heat wave in the area, which apparently severely limits the time a person can safely chase a hog. (I hear ya! Some days it's just too hot to have sex with a goat, or a pig. YEEEEE-HAW!)
THURSDAY, AUGUST 11
10:30 FX LOUIE
Back-to-back new episodes featuring Louie kicking an old habit, and welcoming a "frenemy" back into his life.
10:30 LIF RUSSIAN DOLLS
Debut! A new reality series about Russian housewives in Brooklyn. (Where's the reality show about bikini-wearing Brazilian housewives living in igloos in the Arctic Circle?)
FRIDAY, AUGUST 12
9:00 ABC KARAOKE BATTLE USA
Debut! Hosted by *NSYNC's Joey Fatone. This show makes me want to kill everything in the world.
SATURDAY, AUGUST 13
9:00 NBC WRESTLEMANIA
Hosted by "The Rock," and featuring Triple H, The Undertaker, and... Snooki from Jersey Shore?!?
9:00 BBCA BEST OF DOCTOR WHO
The best clips from seasons five and six, featuring Matt Smith's tenure as the Doctor.
SUNDAY, AUGUST 14
7:00 ABC I.AM.FIRST: SCIENCE IS ROCK AND ROLL
Science, robotics, and music from Willow Smith meet in this concert for the bespectacled nerds. HOLLA!!
10:00 AMC BREAKING BAD
Jesse disappears, leaving Walt to suspect "the worst." (You don't want to know what "the worst" is.)
MONDAY, AUGUST 15
9:00 FAM THE LYING GAME
Debut! Identical twins switch identities to search for their bio parents! (Like The Parent Trap without hijinks.)
10:00 BRAVO MOST ELIGIBLE DALLAS
Debut! Yet ANOTHER Texas reality show, about young single hillbillies looking for a cousin to love.
TUESDAY, AUGUST 16
8:00 ANI THE GORILLA WHISPERER
I'm not so sure gorillas require any "whispering."
9:00 TLC WHAT NOT TO WEAR
Season premiere! Jenny McCarthy asks the hosts to make over her ugly personal assistant. (Can they do mine next??)
WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 17
9:00 VH1 TON OF CASH
Debut! In order to keep an actual ton of cash, contestants must move the ton of cash from LA to Vegas!
9:30 TLC I DIDN'T KNOW I WAS PREGNANT
A woman fails to realize she's in labor, while also failing to realize there's a deadly tornado outside. WHOOPS.