Jeremy Eaton

Okay, let me start out by saying that I have never—not even once in my life—masturbated in a movie theater. This is a point of pride for me, because I'm sure many of my readers can't say the same. The way I see it, a movie theater is a sacred place; one filled with people who came to watch a movie and not necessarily someone (not even me) masturbating. Besides, they build actual "masturbation theaters" (primarily used by unhappily married men, Christians, and Republicans)—so if you want to masturbate while watching a movie? I'd suggest one of those.

HOWEVER! This is NOT to say I've never been tempted to masturbate during a movie at a theater. For example, 1997's Spice World—that movie starring the Spice Girls. (I kind of had a "thing" for Posh.) I was also tempted to masturbate during Schindler's List—not because I was sexually excited, but because then I could say I was the only person in the world to ever masturbate during Schindler's List. (As you can probably tell, my attempts to get into the Guinness Book of World Records have been unsuccessful thus far.)

That being said, I had a very close call the other night when I went to see Glee: The 3D Concert Movie. As you may have heard, the Glee kids went on a summer concert tour, singing all the hits from their show—and filmed the entire thing. AND... IT... IS... TERRIBLE!! Mostly.

In its favor, they didn't invite Mr. Schuester (Matthew Morrison) along—probably because he's old, white, and likes to rap too much. In its disfavor, and much like a regular episode of Glee, Mercedes (Amber Riley) and Kurt (Chris Colfer) were marginalized while big-nosed Rachel (Lea Michele) and not-really-handicapable Artie (Kevin McHale) hogged the stage like a bunch of stage hogs. SHUT UP ALREADY, HOGS!

But here's the part where I nearly masturbated. Firstly, super-dreamy Blaine (Darren Criss) and the almost-as-dreamy Warblers performed two awesome songs, and I was like, "Okay... I can do this... I can not have to masturbate." AND I DIDN'T. Which made me very proud. BUT THEN! The insanely—and I mean insanely—hot Brittany (Heather Morris) reprised her scantily clad Britney Spears' "I'm a Slave 4 U" number from last season... and OH. MY. GOD. I was simply mesmerized, staring at the screen and softly murmuring, "never stop, never stop, never stop," while simultaneously thinking, "oh crap... I must have to masturbate."

And believe you me, I would've masturbated, too! I would have masturbated like a monkey hooked up to a Viagra IV drip! But THANK GOD the scene ended, and was immediately followed by a cameo from the world's most notorious boner murderer... GWYNETH PALTROW. I think she was singing some stupid Cee Lo song or something—but that's not the point! The mere sight of Gwyneth Paltrow has the same effect on a boner as being splashed by a bucket of ice water carried by your nude grandfather. IT'S... GROSS.

So anyway, while I would happily agree to spend the rest of my life watching Brittany strangle baby ducklings, I can't really recommend seeing Glee: The 3D Concert Movie. Ultimately, it's un-masturbatable.

And it's no Schindler's List.

The Unmasturbatables! steve@portlandmercury.com

THURSDAY, AUGUST 18

10:00 A&E BEYOND SCARED STRAIGHT

Season premiere! This "behind bars" reality show spotlights the realities of prison—because apparently I need a reminder to stay out of it.

11:00 FX LOUIE

Louie takes his kids "trick-or-treating" or, in his case, "trick-or-humiliating."

FRIDAY, AUGUST 19

8:30 TOON THUNDERCATS

The triumphant return of Panthro! (Yes, I realize a grown man should not be so excited about this.)

10:00 IFC RHETT & LINK: COMMERCIAL KINGS

The guys shoot a commercial where gang members scare kids off the street and into skating rinks. It could work.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 20

9:00 BBCA THE BEST OF DOCTOR WHO

Another "best of" episode—this time featuring the best of the doctor's most hilarious/fakey monsters!

SUNDAY, AUGUST 21

9:00 OXY THE GLEE PROJECT

Season finale! Who will win a walk-on role on Glee? Which is like asking, "Who will win a walk-on role into a concentration camp shower?"

10:00 AMC BREAKING BAD

Walt's wife, Skyler, makes a shocking discovery—the meth distribution industry is sort of dangerous!

MONDAY, AUGUST 22

8:30 TOON MAD

Tonight a parody of Unstoppable, entitled, "Thomas the Unstoppable Tank Engine."

9:00 NBC AMERICAN NINJA WARRIOR

Season finale! Check out the honky version of the most awesome obstacle course race ever!

TUESDAY, AUGUST 23

10:00 TLC WHAT NOT TO WEAR

In this special clip show, the hosts recall their "Top 10 Makeover Meltdowns" because THIS BELT OBVIOUSLY DOESN'T GO WITH THESE SHOES!!!!

10:00 ANI MAN-EATING SUPER SNAKE

Isn't being "man-eating" enough? They're super powered, too??

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 24

8:00 FOX BURIED TREASURE

Debut! Antiques Roadshow hosts dig through people's' shit to find shit that's worth a shit.

10:00 BBCA THE HOUR

A Brit version of Mad Men that's set in a 1950s newsroom. "Cor blimey! That's sexist, guv'nah!"