I Love Television™ 

I Hate Hitler

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Let's talk... TIME TRAVEL. (And no, it's not just a subject for bespectacled nerds who furiously masturbate to crudely sketched drawings of Princess Leia.) Though often a complete and utter waste of time, the subject of "time travel" can also tell us a lot about ourselves. Example: This Saturday, August 27, at 9 pm, the BBCA network presents the midseason return of Doctor Who—a show normally viewed by those dressed in ill-fitting Star Trek uniforms who violently argue with no one in particular over who would win in a fight between Superman and Wolverine. (Answer: Wolverine... with kryptonite blades.)

And while I'm definitely not one of those "Doctor Who people," it should be noted that the show's current incarnation is helmed by writer Steven Moffat, who cowrote the freaking BRILLIANT Sherlock reboot that aired earlier this year—so you know it's gonna be both smarty-AND-funny pants. Plus there's a distinct possibility, since this episode is tantalizingly entitled "Let's Kill Hitler," that someone's going to... you know... kill Hitler.

Now... I don't like Hitler. There, I said it. And in this episode, Doctor Who (along with his totally bangable assistant, Amy) is in his time-traveling phone booth (the very unfortunately named "TARDIS") when it's hijacked, and—WOOSH!—transported back in time to 1938 Berlin, where he meets the most despised war criminal in the entire universe. And coincidentally? Hitler is there, too!

Anyway, here's the long and the short of it: Who and the gang are faced with the question that has plagued nerds since the dawn of nerd-dom: If you could go back in time and kill Hitler—would you? My answer would be an emphatic "NEIN!"

And not because it would "screw up the space/time continuum," as those sniffling asthmatic science people like to drone on and on about. I don't give two rat poots about the space/time continuum! For example... watch this. BAM! I just threw a plate of Totino's Pizza Rolls out the window! Now a homeless person will probably stop to pick them up instead of walking out into traffic, where he would've been run over and killed by a garbage truck. And, rather than becoming a greasy stain in the road, this guy will most likely marvel at his good luck, turn his life around, and become the owner and president of the largest commercial carpet-cleaning company in the city! BOOYAH! (See? I fuck with the space/time continuum like that all the time.)

Anyway, killing Hitler is like... so pedestrian. I'd much rather fly back to 1938 and then MESS WITH HIS MIND. First, I'd march into his office (or goose-step, since I'll be dressed like a Nazi officer) and bark, "Mein Fuhrer! Der Amerikaners have developed der pizza rolls!" and toss a pan of Totino's under his nose. "ACH!" Hitler will respond. "Mein plans for world domination are kaput! But I can still kill der Juden, jah?" "NEIN," I will yell! "Der Juden invented der pizza roll!" "Huh. Really?" Hitler will wonder. "Totino's doesn't sound Jewish." And then I'll respond... I'll respond... okay, screw it. I'll pull out a gun and kill Hitler. Satisfied???

Screwing with the space-time continuum. steve@portlandmercury.com

THURSDAY, AUGUST 25

9:00 LIF PROJECT RUNWAY

The designers are asked to create stylish tracksuits intended to make old people look less ridiculous.

10:30 FX LOUIE

A one-hour episode in which Louie eats too much ice cream, masturbates, and gets depressed... in AFGHANISTAN??

FRIDAY, AUGUST 26

9:00 BBCA DOCTOR WHO CONFIDENTIAL

Behind the scenes of this season's Doctor Who—including a tour of the unfortunately named TARDIS.

10:00 ANI RAT BUSTERS NYC

Debut! A new reality show about professional rat killers in Brooklyn. "I ain't afraid of no rats!" (Actually, I am.)

SATURDAY, AUGUST 27

9:00 BBCA DOCTOR WHO

Mid-season premiere! The Doctor is stunned to discover someone has already killed Hitler... with Totino's Pizza Rolls?

SUNDAY, AUGUST 28

9:00 MTV 2011 VIDEO MUSIC AWARDS

Scheduled to appear: Adele, Lil Wayne, Bruno Mars, and Chris Brown?? They have to stop inviting him to these things!!

Midnight TOON THE VENTURE BROS. SPECIAL

A new and hilarious "rockumentary" about the most awesome band of all time, "Shallow Gravy."

MONDAY, AUGUST 29

10:00 MTV RIDICULOUSNESS

Debut! A new show spotlighting viral videos. Tonight: people who rack their nuts on pogo sticks.

10:30 MTV DEATH VALLEY

Debut! A horror/comedy about zombies and various monsters that infest the Hollywood Hills (and the slackers that decapitate them).

TUESDAY, AUGUST 30

9:00 FOX RAISING HOPE

Maw Maw meets a sexy new gentleman caller at the daycare center... played by Jerry Van Dyke!

10:00 TLC BIG SEXY

Debut! Plus-sized models try to break into the New York fashion scene. Snap those toothpick models in half, girls!

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 31

8:00 CBS BIG BROTHER

The housemates begin to wonder if the entire world has forgotten they're in there. (Spoiler alert: We have.)

9:30 TLC I DIDN'T KNOW I WAS PREGNANT

A woman can't understand why she can't lose weight... and besides, why is her vagina screaming?

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