Joe Newton

In case you haven't heard (or haven't been reminded in the last 45 seconds), this coming weekend marks a very important day of remembrance for Americans—and those who hate Americans. (And NO, it's not Free Slurpee Day at 7-Eleven!!! That was JULY 11, idiot, not SEPTEMBER 11!! Confidential to terrorists: Free Slurpee Day isn't really important to us or anything... I mean, c'mon, right? So there's no reason to, like... oh, I don't know... blow it all up or something. That would be a huge waste of your time. Huge. FYI. BTW. Ahem.)

Anyway! Even though this weekend's anniversary is impossibly unforgettable, television is nevertheless making sure to jam-cram its lineups with a poop-ton of "tributes" to the day, because... well, what if a bunch of people happen to slip on a roller skate, crack open their head, and wake up with absolutely NO MEMORY WHATSOEVER of this monumentally historic day that will forever live in infamy (and we're not talking about the attack on Pearl Harbor)? THEY NEED TO BE REMINDED NOT TO FORGET, OKAY??

Of course, the networks could be looking for just another way to make a fast buck, hence the weekend full of "sorrow porn"... or is that just me reminding myself to be cynical?

Nevertheless! Here's what's getting my goat—did you know I have a goat? His name is Roger and he's my butler. He eats up all the trash I leave lying around in my living room, and occasionally he nibbles on my testicles when I'm asleep. NOT cool, Roger! Anyway, here's what's getting my Roger: While all this "reminding" is going on, there are also a lot of other important TV shows that everyone is going to forget about, because they're too busy trying to remember not to forget that other thing that we're supposed to be remembering! SO! As a public service, here's your official reminder to not forget to remember the following shows that you shouldn't forget... to remember... not to forget.

Up All Night (NBC, Wed Sept 14, 10 pm): Don't forget to remember that Up All Night is a new comedy starring Will "I played Gob in Arrested Development" Arnett and Christina "I played Kelly Bundy in Married with Children" Applegate as a couple who forget to remember to use birth control and now have a screaming brat on their hands who constantly reminds them that their lives are FAWKED.

Ringer (CW, Tues Sept 13, 9 pm): Here's your reminder to remember Sarah Michelle Gellar—who you may remember from Buffy the Vampire Slayer—now plays twins in the supposedly creepy drama Ringer, about a former drunk who takes over her rich twin's life, and dark mysteries ensue! (Also remember that Gellar was never really very good in Buffy—so don't forget to be disappointed by this.)

Entourage (HBO, Sun Sept 11, 10:35 pm): Speaking of terrible acting, don't forget to remind yourself to remember that tonight marks the SERIES finale of Entourage, which means you'll never have to watch this terrible show about Hollywood douchebags ever again. Hey! We killed this without any help at all from al-Qaeda! YOU LOSE, TERRORISTS! YOU... LOSE!

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 8

8:30 CBS CBS FALL PREVIEW

A sneak peek at the new shows on CBS including CSI: Dubuque and NCIS: LGBT.

10:30 FX LOUIE

Season finale! The hits just keep on comin' for Louie who is not only trapped in an airport, but a New Jersey airport!

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 9

9:00 HBO MEL BROOKS AND DICK CAVETT TOGETHER AGAIN

The comedy and talk-show legends chat about showbiz, and... you have NO idea who these people are, do you?

10:30 E! FASHION POLICE

Joan Rivers and her panel of vicious bitches tear apart Hollywood's dressiest celebs.

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 10

8:00 FOX COPS

Season premiere! It's Cops with a "twist" tonight, featuring crazy cop stops with surprising (and probably shirtless) revelations.

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 11

8:00 CBS 9/11: 10 YEARS LATER

Did you know that the 9/11 attacks happened 10 years ago? I COMPLETELY FORGOT.

10:00 HBO CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM

Season finale! It's Larry David vs. Michael J. Fox, AKA the "Twin Towers of Annoyance."

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 12

8:00 CW GAGA BY GAULTIER

Lady Gaga is interviewed by fashionista Jean Paul Gaultier. (Sorry, THESE guys are the "Twin Towers of Annoyance.")

9:00 TLC KATE PLUS 8

Series finale! With her TV career finally coming to a close, Kate donates the kids to science.

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 13

8:00 CW 90210

Season premiere! College is no fun for pregnant Naomi—mainly because she looks totally fat doing those keg stands.

9:00 CW RINGER

Debut! Buffy gets stuffy when Sarah Michelle Geller poses as her rich dead twin sis!

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 14

8:00 CW H8R

Debut! Celebs try to win over the people who hate them, tonight featuring the universally despised Snooki.

10:30 NBC FREE AGENTS

Debut! Hank Azaria and Kathryn Hahn star in this new sitcom about the perils of inter-office boning.