Jeremy Eaton

Let's take a moment to talk about a very serious subject: INSECURE COPS. You know, our city's police officers have a very difficult job. (Seriously, it takes three of them just to follow me around and make sure I'm not selling coke, robbing mini-marts, or impregnating the wrong political official's daughter.) And it's not any easier when nearly all the cops on television are so much more awesomer than the ones in real life. What's up with all the TV officers sporting superpowers? Examples: Forever Knight? Vampire cop! Medium? Psychic cop! The Mentalist? Cop pretending to be psychic cop! The Dresden Files? Wizard cop! Robocop: The Series? Robo-cop! Magnum P.I.? Super-sexy cop! Dexter? Serial-killer cop! Walker: Texas Ranger? Hillbilly karate cop! YOU SEE? It's little wonder that our local police officers are quivering, insecure bowls of doughnut-eating jelly! HELLO! WHERE ARE THE NORMAL COPS??

The upcoming season of new shows isn't shaping up much better. NBC's Grimm features a supernaturally powered detective fighting supernaturally powered criminals! ABC's reboot of Charlie's Angels has three female cops with the superpowered ability to whip off their bras in under 2.5 seconds. Person of Interest on CBS involves an ex-CIA agent who stops crimes before they happen.

Plus there's also Unforgettable (debuting Tues Sept 20, CBS, 10 pm) which features a hotsy-totsy detective with the ability to remember everything she's ever experienced. Now as "superpowers" go, this one kind of blows donkey horn. Sure, I'd love to remember half the names of the illegitimate children I have scattered around the USA—but on the other hand, I kinda wouldn't. KnowwhatImean?

The point is that our local police officers are suffering a crisis of insecurity because of these shows. Without any noticeable superpowers, they no longer consider themselves "special" enough to do this very challenging work... WHICH GIVES ME AN IDEA!

What follows are just a few ideas for brand-new shows that will spotlight "normal, non-superpowered" cops. This will not only boost the confidence of our officers, but also earn me enough money to stop robbing mini-marts. EVERYBODY WINS.

CRIME COP: A Chicago cop is the only person in his department with no discernable supernatural ability—except for one: He uses his normal brain to solve normal crimes! Not all of them, of course. About 50/50.

THE RACIAL PROFILER: In this dramatic series, a police officer is blessed with the ability to racially profile any minority—except for her Hispanic/Filipino/Asian/African American spouse! (Did I say it's a drama? It's a comedy!)

HUMP PATROL: Three full-time cops are assigned to follow me around and stop me from committing the following crimes: Dope smoking! Picking fights with circus midgets! Instigating illegal retirement home Rascal races! Stealing helicopters! Bear wrestling! Tearing tags off mattresses! Public masturbation... of elected officials! And impersonating a police officer. (See?? That's the twist! I'm pretending to be one of the cops investigating myself! Dun-dun-DUNNNNN!!)

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 15

9:00 CW THE SECRET CIRCLE

Debut! A teen moves to a new school to discover her classmates are hot, sexy, and snobby witches!

10:00 FX IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA

Season premiere! Mac suddenly gains 50 pounds while Frank wants to marry a prostitute. (In other words, another average day.)

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 16

6:30 TOON YOUNG JUSTICE

Season premiere! Green Arrow's former sidekick gets targeted for assassination in this fun Teen Titans remake.

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 17

9:00 BBCA DOCTOR WHO

The gang is trapped in a hotel that exposes their deepest fears—for example, what's that sticky stuff on the bedspread??

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 18

8:00 FOX THE EMMY AWARDS

Jane Lynch (Glee) hosts these TV awards that always excludes Toddlers and Tiaras for some reason.

10:00 AMC BREAKING BAD

The family panics when Walt doesn't show for his son's birthday—but c'mon! Meth doesn't cook itself!

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 19

8:00 ABC DANCING WITH THE STARS

Season premiere! A new season of Dancing brings a new season of pissing off Christians, thanks to transgender contestant Chaz Bono!

10:00 COM THE ROAST OF CHARLIE SHEEN

And after this is over, we never have to speak of him again, right?

10:00 NBC THE PLAYBOY CLUB

Debut! Here's NBC's version of Mad Men, a drama set in the early '60s about Hugh Hefner's bunny farm.

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 20

8:00 FOX GLEE

Season premiere! The return of the best/most annoying show on TV, now supposedly 30 percent less annoying. (I'll believe it when I see it.)

9:00 FOX NEW GIRL

Debut! Zooey Deschanel is adorable (of course) in this new sitcom about an eccentric gal living with three bro-dudes.

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 21

9:00 ABC MODERN FAMILY

Season premiere! The family vacations at a Wyoming dude ranch; sexy cowboy and horse poop hijinks ensue!

10:00 ABC REVENGE

Debut! A confusing new drama/soap that's supposedly a new take on the Count of Monte Cristo. I don't believe I ordered that.