It's a big week for television, and we're gonna talk about some of the new fall shows in just a moment—but first? Christina Ricci's forehead. Can someone please tell me what's going on with it? If you have no idea what I'm talking about, take a moment to Google search "Christina Ricci's forehead." I'll wait.
(Pause. Pause. Pause.) I KNOW, ISN'T IT AMAZING?? You could play Canadian rules football on that forehead! Her forehead is so big, it's a "fivehead." You could write the entire Star Wars prologue on that forehead. Her forehead is so big, Republicans want to drill for oil on it. Hey Christina, IMAX called, they want to rent your forehead. Her forehead is so big, it's got it's own zip code (9021-oh shit, that's a big forehead!). In 1974, Evel Knievel tried to jump her forehead. Christina's forehead is where the National Association of Foreheads holds its annual forehead convention. What did Moses say to Christina Ricci? "Dude, I spent 40 years wandering around your forehead. So back off, I'm mad at you right now." SHE... HAS... A... BIG... FOREHEAD!!
That's why it's astounding that Christina is starring in a new show entitled Pan Am (ABC, debuts Sun Sept 25, 10 pm)—an early-1960s take on the famous airline, in which her forehead will be playing the runway. Ka-zing-a-ling-a-LING! Okay, actually she's playing a "stewardess"—which is what "flight attendants" used to be called before their egos inflated to the size of Christina's forehead. Ba-dum-BUM! Ka-POWY-zowie-WOWIE!! Goddamnit, I'm on fire today!
Seriously though, before I go too far—did you know that Christopher Columbus was the first to theorize that Christina Ricci's head was round?—let's check out some more of this week's huge shows (though not as huge as a certain someone's forehead).
• Charlie's Angels (ABC, debuts Thurs Sept 22, 8 pm): This reboot of the 1970s camp classic will focus less on protruding nipples and more on ultraviolent kick-assery. Is America ready for gorgeous gals shoving a criminal's face through a glass coffee table? (Hey, glass coffee tables don't grow on trees, y'know!!)
• Person of Interest (CBS, debuts Thurs Sept 22, 9 pm): Rejoice! It's a new action drama from exec producers J.J. Abrams and Jonathan "The Dark Knight" Nolan, starring James "Jesus" Caviezel and Lost's Michael "Ben" Emerson as an ex-CIA operative and his billionaire software genius pal who team up to stop crimes BEFORE they happen. (Warning: Michael Emerson's forehead is also very, very large. But not "Christina Ricci" large. Forty-five Michael foreheads could easily fit on a single Christina forehead.)
• Terra Nova (Fox, debuts Mon Sept 26, 8 pm): It's the year 2149, and surprise, surprise... Earth is FAWKED. Thanks to a convenient "fracture in time," the Shannon family is transported to the age of ass-chomping dinosaurs in order to fix "humanity's mistakes." My suggestions? Kill the person who invented the Bible, get rid of celery, and adjust human DNA to prevent any future Christina Ricci foreheads. (Wait... scratch that... humanity may need a new place to live someday! Ba-dum-BUM! Tsss! Thank yew, thank yew, I'll be here all week.)
My forehead's kind of big, too. firstname.lastname@example.org
THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 22
9:00 NBC THE OFFICE
Season premiere! James Spader hops onboard as the new Sabre CEO, causing a major marijuana freakout.
9:30 NBC WHITNEY
Debut! A sitcom about the downsides of relationships—such as sending your boyfriend to the hospital.
10:00 NBC PRIME SUSPECT
Debut! The highly bangable Maria Bello stars in this gritty reboot of the Brit crime drama.
FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 23
8:00 CBS A GIFTED MAN
Debut! A surgeon is visited by the ghost of his deceased wife with the following message: "NAG! NAG! NAG!"
SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 24
11:30 NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE
Season premiere! Hosted by Alec Baldwin and musical guests Radiohead. (Hello again, 1992!)
SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 25
8:00 FOX THE SIMPSONS
Season premiere! Homer is threatened by a Ukrainian terrorist, which (of course) brings 24's Jack Bauer out of retirement.
10:00 ABC PAN AM
Debut! When an important flight is one stewardess shy, Christina Ricci's forehead is given the chance to shine (literally).
MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 26
8:00 CW GOSSIP GIRL
Season premiere! The gang visits Hollywood where Nate gets the hots for yummy cougar Elizabeth Hurley.
9:00 CW HART OF DIXIE
Debut! The O.C.'s Rachel Bilson returns as a big city doctor stuck in a Southern town and this terrible show.
TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 27
9:00 CW RINGER
Speaking of "terrible," I continue to watch this hilariously terrible Sarah Michelle Gellar evil twin soap opera. Join me, won't you?
WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 28
8:00 CW H8R
In this episode, Kim Kardashian meets someone who hates her. (How on earth did they narrow it down?)
8:30 ABC SUBURGATORY
Debut! A sullen teen is whisked out of the city and into the suburbs, which gives her a LOT more to complain about.