Jeremy Eaton

Okay, as you know, I've got an undetermined number of illegitimate children scattered across the country, blah, blah, blah, blah, BLAH. However! If I ever decide to get in contact with any of them, or (god forbid) "raise" them, I will most certainly NOT be reading them any Grimm's fairy tales—because these things are the children's story equivalent of the Saw films. THEY ARE FREAKING FREAKY, YO!

Example one! In the original version of "Goldilocks and the Three Bears," Goldilocks doesn't get a chance to try out any chairs, porridge, or beds—because when the bears return home to discover the little girl in their house, they rip her apart and devour her. MORAL: Don't break into a bear's house if you value your intestines.

Example two! In the Disney version of "Snow White," the evil queen is so jealous of Snow White's beauty, she sends a huntsman to murder her. In the Grimm's version, the queen also plans on eating Snow White's liver and lungs for supper, and when she's ultimately defeated at the end of the story? She's forced to wear red-hot iron shoes, causing her to "dance herself to death." MORAL: Cannibalism is no substitute for a good plastic surgeon.

Example three! "Sleeping Beauty." (If you want to just skip this paragraph, I wouldn't blame you.) In the sanitized version, a princess is pricked by a spinning wheel, falls into a deep sleep, and is awoken by the kiss of a handsome prince. In the original, the king (yes, the father of the princess) kind of... you know... rapes her in her sleep. She gets pregnant and gives birth to two children (still sleeping, mind you!), and when she eventually awakes? She's all like, "Wait... suddenly I've got two kids and a rape? What's going to happen tomorrow night?" MORAL: Don't nap.

YEEESH! I'm stopping there, but rest assured, these old-timey fairy tales are chockablock full of gore, dismemberments, sexual assaults, and assorted pedophilia. And that's something you need to know before watching this week's debut of Once Upon a Time (ABC, debuts Sun Oct 23, 8 pm).

Yes, it's about fairy tales—but it's also written by some of the dudes who produced Lost (Edward Kitsis and Adam Horowitz), so expect things to get a bit complex and freaky. In fairy-tale land, an evil queen casts a spell that imprisons Snow White and other famous bedtime story characters in the modern-day REAL town of Storybrooke, Maine... with absolutely no memory of their past lives. A new gal moves to town—who just might turn out to be the daughter of Snow White and Prince Charming—and starts figuring out that something just ain't right, which makes her a big target of the evil queen... who also lives in town and is also a total b-hole!

So if that's not confusing and crazy enough, Once Upon a Time will also include occasional Lost-like flashbacks of fairy-tale land, in which we'll learn a lot more about the characters and their backstory—which, if the producers stick with the original version of Grimm, will include a goodly amount of molestations, drownings, cannibalism, and bear maulings.

Note to self: Never sleep again.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 20

10:00 FX IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA

The "storm of the century" bears down on Philly—and Frank plans to make a LOT of $$$$$!

11:30 SHO DAVE'S OLD PORN

Debut! Comedian Dave Attell and his panel narrate and comment on old '70s and '80s porn. I approve!

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 21

10:00 STARZ BOSS

Debut! Kelsey Grammer stars as the embattled mayor of Chicago—and let's throw in a neurological disease for good measure.

10:00 ANI MY EXTREME ANIMAL PHOBIA

Debut! A psychologist helps people deal with their animal phobias. AHHHH!!! Koala bears!!

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 22

9:00 PBS AUSTIN CITY LIMITS

Dreamboat-y indie rockers the Decemberists perform live selections from their latest release.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 23

8:00 ABC ONCE UPON A TIME

Debut! A woman moves to a fairy-tale town... and is immediately disemboweled by a bear.

9:00 AMC THE WALKING DEAD

Rick finds a great new place to hide from the zombies—maybe a "shovel outlet"?

MONDAY, OCTOBER 24

8:00 BBCA TOP GEAR

This week's celebrity racecar driver: Lionel Richie! Hello... it's him you're looking for!

9:00 A&E HOARDERS

Season premiere! A man lives with 30 cats—which is about 30 too many.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 25

10:00 G4 BOMB PATROL: AFGHANISTAN

Debut! Soldiers train to disable bombs in war-torn Afghanistan. (Pro tip: Always cut the red wire first. WAIT! No! The green one!)

10:00 IFC ONION NEWS NETWORK

When hikers go missing in the mountains, the ONN team sends out their best (autistic) reporter.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 26

10:00 FX AMERICAN HORROR STORY

Two previous (murdered) residents offer the family some decorating advice. Let me guess... does this involve blood-smeared walls?