Pro tip! Did you know there was a federal law passed this year specifically prohibiting certain "sexy" Halloween costumes? (Pro tip! This is absolutely not true—but tell everyone it is... you'll understand why in a bit.) Thanks to recent "Anti-Halloween Annoyance" legislation passed by Congress, women will no longer be allowed to dress up in any of the following annoying Halloween costumes:
Sexy French Maid. Sexy Cheerleader. Sexy Schoolgirl. Sexy Native American. Sexy Kitten. Sexy Bee. Sexy Ladybug. Sexy Pirate. Sexy Cave Girl. Sexy Policewoman. Sexy Disney Princess (any and all). Sexy Witch. Sexy Red Riding Hood. Sexy Power Ranger. Sexy Olive Oyl. Sexy Strawberry Shortcake. Sexy Eskimo. Sexy Prisoner. Sexy Angel. Sexy Devil. Sexy Angel/Devil Hybrid. Sexy Fairy. Sexy Captain America. Sexy Clown (there is absolutely nothing sexy about that, by the way). Sexy Skunk. Sexy Hippie (again, nothing sexy about that). Sexy Robot. Sexy Statue of Liberty. Sexy Sherlock Holmes. Sexy Hillbilly (this goes triple for guys!!).
Anyway, you can read the complete list of costume restrictions at sexyhalloweenrestrictions.gov. (Pro tip! Not really... but annoying people don't have to know that!)
HOWEVER! I'm happy to report that NONE of the I Love Television™ brand of Halloweeny Costumes™ are on the government's restricted list. Here are just a few I'm sure you've seen referenced in my column:
SEXY ANGRY DONKEY! The boys will get a "kick" out of your delightfully whimsical and sexy "Angry Donkey" costume. Besides the donkey mask and accompanying donkey bustier, you'll also receive pneumatic legs—which, when activated by a man's pinch, will... KA-POW!!! Kick the offending douchebag into the next century. ONLY $159.99!
SEXY DIAPER GRAVY! The term "diaper gravy" is a beloved I Love Television™ staple—as well as the perfect sexy Halloween costume! You'll be every man's fantasy as you cruise the party dressed in a giant, sopping adult diaper filled with liquid excrement. (Sexy colostomy bag not included.) ONLY $89.99!
SEXY TV CHARACTERS! Why dress up like a sexy zombie from The Walking Dead when you can be "Sexy Rock Dripping with Zombie Brains"? (ONLY $79.99!) You like Breaking Bad, right? Then may I interest you in "Sexy Gus with Half His Face Blown Off"? Comes complete with a tie you can straighten. (ONLY $59.99!) Or how about "Sexy American Horror Story Girl Who Has Down Syndrome"? (Don't worry, it's very respectful. ONLY $49.99!)
SEXY HUMPY™! If you're looking for the #1 sexy-sexy costume for Halloween, look no further! Now you can dress up as "Sexy Wm.™ Steven Humphrey™," America's most beloved and trusted television columnist! This one-of-a-kind costume is made out of my actual skin—which I've spent years exfoliating and keeping in a jar next to my toilet. But what you'll love are the tiny details: the trademarked whoopty-whoo curl on top of my head, trained to hide early-onset male pattern baldness; Totino's Pizza Roll crumbs dotting the slightly sagging man boobs; a perfectly shaped foam replica of my honey-baked ham (voted "a model of structural perfection" by the engineering department at MIT). OH! And Velcro pants closure for easy access to genitalia. ONLY $199.99—and don't delay! It's sure to make next year's "government restricted" list! (Wink! Wink!)
THURSDAY, OCTOBER 27
8:00 NBC COMMUNITY
Yikes! Someone in the group is a murderous sociopath! (I guess this isn't much of a surprise.)
10:00 MTV BEAVIS AND BUTT-HEAD
Debut! The classic MTV toon returns with new episodes. Tonight: Butt-Head catches Beavis crying—and cruel hilarity ensues.
FRIDAY, OCTOBER 28
8:00 NBC CHUCK
Season premiere! Chuck starts his own spy-for-hire business and competes with Mark Hamill? HE LOSES!
9:00 NBC GRIMM
Debut! A detective tracks fairy-tale monsters. Seriously?? With my tax dollars??
SATURDAY, OCTOBER 29
9:00 SYFY ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE—Movie
(2011) The bad news? There's a zombie apocalypse. The good news? Ving Rhames is gonna bash some mothereffin' zombie skulls in!
SUNDAY, OCTOBER 30
8:30 FOX ALLEN GREGORY
Debut! A brilliant, wealthy seven-year-old (voiced by Jonah Hill) experiences daily wedgies courtesy of the public school system.
9:00 AMC THE WALKING DEAD
High school zombies trap Shane. (Let's hope the football team isn't wearing helmets!)
MONDAY, OCTOBER 31
8:00 FOX TERRA NOVA
Josh decides to dress up like a chicken leg for Halloween. Bon appétit, dinosaurs!
10:00 NBC ROCK CENTER WITH BRIAN WILLIAMS
Debut! A new newsmagazine featuring Brian Williams and the most terrible title in recent memory.
TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 1
8:00 FOX GLEE
A new Irish student comes to McKinley High, and naturally Brittany thinks he's a leprechaun.
9:30 FOX RAISING HOPE
Hope reveals a violent side at daycare, leading everyone to rightfully assume she'll grow up to be a serial killer.
WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 2
9:00 CW AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL
The models must write and sing a song about themselves. Heh... heh... hehhhh... yesssssss.
10:00 FX AMERICAN HORROR STORY
It's Halloween night in the haunted house, and... who keeps stealing all the freaking candy?!?