Let's talk... TECHNOLOGY. Now, while I am generally in favor of technological progress, there is definitely some room for improvement. Example: I hate to play "Monday morning quarterback" here, but... before Steve Jobs died, I kinda wish he'd spent a little less time on the iPhone and a little more time on making a FUNCTIONING INTERNET. I'm sorry, but my internet STINKS! When I flip on a light switch, does it take anywhere from 10 to 45 seconds to turn on? NO! It comes on immediately. And yet, when I hit the internet porn button on my internet, I'm forced to wait... and wait... and wait for it to come on—sometimes up to a full minute! THAT AIN'T RIGHT, AND I'M TIRED OF WHAT AIN'T RIGHT!
Example number two: Toaster ovens are the freaking WORST! Especially the Black & Decker Toast-R-Oven Classic™, which I recently purchased and am VERY disappointed with. Remember how the old toaster ovens had one button, and a dial that offered you a choice of how toasty you wanted your toast to be? They don't make those anymore! Now, there's no longer a single button—instead you have to adjust three different incredibly confusing dials, and my toast either comes out cold and floppy (that's what she said) or burnt to a crisp! Thanks a pantload for making a technologically inferior toaster oven, Black & Decker! And thanks for dying before solving this vitally important problem, Steve Jobs!!
Example number three: Ummmmmm... where exactly is my flying car, jetpack, and/or transporter beam? Steve Jobs (and by "Steve Jobs" I mean lazy scientists) has been promising me this stuff for decades—and yet? I don't have my freaking flyingcarjetpacktransporterbeam! But I do have a phone that can play Angry Birds. Screw you, Steve Jobs. Posthumously.
Anyway, technology always has and always will be a big deal—and to prove it, this week AMC debuts their newest show, Hell on Wheels (Sun Nov 6, 10 pm), which depicts how technology completely changed America back in the olden days, back before people were too stupid to even imagine flyingcarjetpacktransporterbeams.
The year? 1865! The place? America, just following the Civil War and the assassination of Abraham Lincoln! Gunslinger Cullen Bohannon (Anson Mount) is a former Confederate soldier who gets a job with Union Pacific—the builders of the first transcontinental railroad—but! It turns out Bohannon has ulterior motives, which primarily involve murderizing the Union soldiers who murdered his wife! However, Hell on Wheels is also a document of the time, portraying the uneasy tension between North and South, the treatment of supposedly freed black slaves, and how the 1 percent of the richy-riches screw over the 99 percent of people constructing this burgeoning, game-changing technology. (Sound familiar?)
By all accounts, Hell on Wheels is a gorgeously shot, smart, and gritty Western that will easily fill the hole left in your heart when HBO's Deadwood got poopcanned. But I also hope it will be inspiring. After all, if a bunch of 1860s yahoos could build a railroad that spanned the country, certainly somebody can build a freaking easy-to-use toaster oven that won't incinerate my freaking breakfast!! (I'm looking at YOU, ghost of Steve Jobs!)
Follow me (technologically) on Twitter! @WmSteveHumphrey
THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 3
8:30 NBC PARKS AND RECREATION
Religious wackos predict the end of the world, which means another day of getting nothing productive done.
10:00 FX IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA
The gang uses "internet technology" to attract, stalk, and harass their customers. In that order.
FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 4
9:00 NBC GRIMM
Nick and Hank investigate a breaking and entering case involving bears and... let me guess, a nosy blond kid?
SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 5
6:00 MTV TRUE LIFE
A young adult camps out with protesters and reports back on life inside the Occupy Wall Street camp.
11:30 NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE
Hosted by Charlie Day of Always Sunny, with zombie musical guests Maroon 5. (Zombies, because they won't die.)
SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 6
9:00 AMC THE WALKING DEAD
Shane makes a questionable sacrifice that may increase his appetite for "BRAAAAAAAINS."
10:00 AMC HELL ON WHEELS
Debut! A Confederate soldier vows revenge on the Union soldier that killed his wife! (Note: This show needs zombies.)
MONDAY, NOVEMBER 7
12:30 am TOON THE HEART, SHE HOLLER
Debut! A hilariously demented parody of Southern gothic horror films from comedian Patton Oswalt!
10:00 NGC THE WITCH DOCTOR WILL SEE YOU NOW
Debut! Seriously ill people visit shamans, mystics, and (yes) witch doctors around the world searching for cures.
TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 8
8:00 FOX GLEE
The Gleetards stage their version of West Side Story (get the whiskey shots and your loaded gun ready).
9:30 FOX RAISING HOPE
Burt devises a cunning/disgusting way to retrieve Maw-Maw's gold tooth—after she swallows it.
WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 9
9:00 PBS NOVA
A physicist theorizes that past, present and future exist simultaneously. Okay, then... where's my jetpack?!?
10:00 FX AMERICAN HORROR STORY
Crazy neighbor Constance dreams up a new plan to get rid of Tate (which doesn't involve "killing him with kindness").