I Love Television™ 

The Humpy's Choice Awards

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When it comes to award ceremonies, there is nothing worse than the People's Choice Awards—except the Sophie's Choice Awards. (SHE MAKES THE SAME CHOICE EVERY YEAR!!!) If you ask me, you shouldn't let "the people" decide anything—present company excluded. As a general rule, "the people" are dumber than a pool of saliva, and have absolutely no business making any decisions that actually matter. And that includes deciding which TV shows and characters are the "best"!

Now the reason my thong's all in a knot is because the nominations for the 2011 People's Choice Awards came out this past week—and the results are particularly ignorant and drooly! Take for example "the people's" nominations for "Favorite Network TV Drama": There's House, there's Grey's Anatomy, there's The Good Wife, there's Supernatural, and there's The Vampire Diaries. THE VAMPIRE DIARIES??? I'd rather watch somebody dangle a powdered doughnut over the head of a diabetic fat kid. Now that's drama!

And "the people's" choice for favorite band is even worse!! Coldplay?? Foo Fighters?? Linkin Park?? Maroon 5?? Red Hot Chili Peppers?? Did "the people" travel from the year 1998 just to annoy the poop out of me??

Okay, so that's why I've decided to say "SCREW THE PEOPLE" and hereby ban the People's Choice Awards from the universe—FOREVER—and replace them with the far more reasonable and far less democratic "Humpy's Choice Awards!" And the nominations go a little something like this:

Best Network TV Drama: There aren't any, because they all stink. WORK HARDER, NETWORKS!!

Most Annoying Woman on TV: Gwyneth Paltrow in Glee; Zooey Deschanel in New Girl; Gwyneth Paltrow in Glee; and Gwyneth Paltrow in Glee.

Most Annoying Man on TV: The entire cast of Entourage; Ashton Kutcher in anything; Matthew Morrison (Will Schuester) in Glee; and Gwyneth Paltrow in Glee.

Best Freaking Show on TV: AMC's Breaking Bad; FX's American Horror Story; Adult Swim's The Heart, She Holler; Adult Swim's Childrens Hospital; Fox's Raising Hope; some episodes of AMC's Mad Men and The Walking Dead; the first season of FX's Louie; and any T-Mobile ad starring that girl in the pink dress. (Me want to kiss her face and lick her "there.")

Worst Freaking Show on TV: AMC's The Walking Dead when they're just moping around instead of bashing zombies; any Law & Order spinoff or show whose title is initials; three quarters of any episode of Glee; and any reality show based on singing, dancing, designing clothes, cooking, modeling, racing around the world, castaways, too many children, housewives, ice-road trucking, house flippers, or drunken oversexed Italians.

Best Song Ever Written Ever: R. Kelly's "Ignition (Remix)." There are no other nominations.

Best Name for a Dog: Rowdy; Monsieur Rufferson; Lil' Bow Wow (the dog); Gwyneth Paltrow; Hello Kitty; Pavlov's Human; Marmaduke Goldstein; Waffles; Chopper Sic Balls; Butt Trumpet; Violent J.; Cardinal Thomas Stafford Williams, the Archbishop Emeritus of Wellington; General Colon Bowel; and Karen.

Best Underpaid Weekly TV Columnist: Wm.™ Steven Humphrey; and R. Kelly's "Ignition (Remix)."

(GODDAMMIT!! HOW DID "IGNITION" GET NOMINATED?!?)

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 17

8:30 NBC PARKS AND RECREATION

Leslie attempts to boost tourism by building the smallest park in Indiana. (Which might be kind of hard to find, dontchathink?)

10:00 FX IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA

Mac explains why he got so fat. (Spoiler alert: He thinks it's not his fault.)

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 18

9:00 NBC GRIMM

A stranger seeks revenge for the murder of his friend. I say it was the Big Bad Wolf in Grandma's house, with the lead pipe.

11:00 VH1 KELLY CLARKSON UNPLUGGED

The still adorable and underrated Kelly performs her two big hits (and other stuff).

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 19

11:30 NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE

Tonight's host is Jason Segel—so expect the Muppets to be close at hand. (GET IT??? MUPPETS?? HAND?? CLOSE?? Forget it.)

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 20

9:00 AMC THE WALKING DEAD

Rick uncovers his wife's big secret—which means Shane's head has a date with the zombie-bashing shovel.

9:00 PBS AMERICAN MASTERS

Part one of a sweeping documentary about the life and career of director/actor/comedian/musician Woody Allen.

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 21

8:00 BBCA TOP GEAR

It's a "best of" episode featuring the best clips from this often-hilarious limey car-porn show.

9:00 ABC YOU DESERVE IT

Debut! A new trivia game show in which contestants win money for people other than themselves. (Umm... what's the point of that?)

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 22

9:00 ABC DANCING WITH THE STARS

Season finale! A winner is announced, which means everyone will finally realize that this show is unfair and terrible.

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 23

9:00 FOX MOBBED

A special presentation of Howie Mandel's "flash mob" hidden-camera show. Everything I just wrote makes me want to kill myself.

10:00 FX AMERICAN HORROR STORY

The identity of the person in the rubber gimp suit is revealed! I bet it's Herman Cain!

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