"Oh, Wm.™ Steven Hump-Me!" I hear you cry. "Not another column about hillbillies!" OH, YES INDEEDY! But don't blame me for my obsession with drooling, toothless hill folk. It's a scientific fact that there are more TV shows about hillbillies than any other topic. TV looooves the hillbilly—and why not? Other than housewives and people from New Jersey, hillbillies are the last American culture everyone can laugh at without fear of politically correct reprisal.
"Oh, Wm.™ Steven Hump-Me!" I hear you cry again. "That is CLASSIST." Ha! I agree. It's totally classic. "NO, I said, 'CLASSIST'!" Oh... well... so what if it is?? Hillbillies revel in their individuality and being different from "them gol'durn city folk"—so I think they're being classist toward us!
Ohhhhh, you classist hillbillies! With your highfalutin moonshine and fancy hound dogs! You think you're sooooo great, don't you? "Ooooh, look at me, I'm a hillbilly! Unlike those stuffed shirts in the biiiiiiig city, I can wear filthy overalls all day long, lose all my teeth, and refuse to conform to society's rigid standards of who or what I copulate with! (And by 'who or what,' I of course mean 'cousin Lulu' and 'the farm hog.') Oooooh, ain't I so much better than you smarty-pants city folk?"
Ugh! Those hillbillies think they're so superior. And now they're just gonna feel even more superiorier, because they're completely hogging the TV airwaves! Here are just a few examples of the hillbilly tsunami that's currently sweeping the television schedule:
• Moonshiners (Discovery Channel, debuts Tues Dec 6, 10 pm): Now this here is a brand-spankin'-new show about a clan of hill folk in the Appalachians who carry on the 200-year-old family tradition of brewin' their own alky-holic moonshine. Expect a heapin' helpin' of drinkin', hootin', and hollerin' as well as degenerative brain disease and cirrhosis of the liver. OH! And chasin' gol'durn revenooers off their propitty with their squirrel rifle! PEW! PEW-PEW! Yeeeeeee-HAW!
• Call of the Wildman (Animal Planet, Sun Dec 4, 10 pm): Ernie Brown Jr. (AKA "Turtleman") is a Kentucky good ol' boy who specializes in capturing by hand the most dangerous animals in Hillbilly Land, including giant snapping turtles, venomous spiders, deadly snakes, and perhaps even the occasional greased pig. (Important programming note: Ernie does not copulate with or marry any of the animals in this program. Because I knew you were wondering.)
• Rocket City Rednecks (National Geographic Channel, Wed Dec 7, 9 pm): Okay, so this may be somewhat hard to believe, but apparently certain hillbillies actually have Ph.D.s—I KNOW!!—and attempt to do things like "science." The twang-talkin' boys of Rocket City Rednecks conduct scientific experiments to improve the lives of hillbillies everywhere. For example, bomb-proofing their pickups (in case terrorists decide to invade their outhouses), building an Iron Man–style exoskeleton that provides super strength (as well as kills deer), and constructing a rifle-wielding robot whose sole purpose is to stop an asteroid from hitting the earth by flinging frozen watermelons at it. Wait a second... THAT SOUNDS AWESOME!!! Grab mah squirrel rifle, Maw! I'm goin' to college and gittin' me one of them fancy Ph.D.s!
THURSDAY, DECEMBER 1
8:00 ABC SANTA CLAUS IS COMIN' TO TOWN
The classic creepy wooden puppet special featuring the Winter Warlock!
8:30 NBC PARKS AND RECREATION
Leslie Knope goes on trial and pleads, "If lovin' Ben is wrong, I don't wanna be right!"
FRIDAY, DECEMBER 2
6:00 TOON LEGO NINJAGO: THE SERIES
Debut! Lego ninjas. I'm sorry... do you need more than that?
SATURDAY, DECEMBER 3
6:00 ANI HERCULES SAVES CHRISTMAS
An animated special about a talking dog saving Christmas, instead of the actual Hercules. BOOOOO!!!
11:30 NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE
Hosted by Steve Buscemi, who will play at least a dozen characters with crazy eyes.
SUNDAY, DECEMBER 4
8:00 ABC ONCE UPON A TIME
Prince Charming undergoes a startling change. (I told you guys he was gay!!)
9:00 SYFY NEVERLAND
A mini-series prequel about a gang of boy thieves who meet Peter Pan (pre-Wendy) and Captain Hook (pre-hook).
MONDAY, DECEMBER 5
8:00 ABC A CHARLIE BROWN CHRISTMAS
Easily the most depressing Xmas special ever! Lock up the liquor and guns!
8:00 SUN THE MORTIFIED SESSIONS
Debut! Celebs tell their most embarrassing, mortifying stories! Tonight: Ed Helms and Mo'Nique.
TUESDAY, DECEMBER 6
8:00 FOX GLEE
McKinley High prepares to host sectionals, and Finn begs fish-mouth Sam to return!
WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 7
10:00 FX AMERICAN HORROR STORY
The burned babies in the basement decide to pay the family a visit. EEEEEEEEK!!!
10:00 TLC TODDLERS & TIARAS
Season premiere! The Southern Celebrity Glitzmas pageant is fast approaching—so c'mon, Mom! Pile on "the whore"!