Jeremy Eaton

I do not outwardly dislike old people. This is because when I do outwardly dislike them, they tend to shake their walkers at me, accuse me of being "ageist," and then wander off, forgetting what they were yelling at me about in the first place.

HOWEVER! I do outwardly like certain old people, such as Betty White—one of the original Golden Girls, who just so happens to be turning a peppy 90 years young this week. Why do I prefer Ms. White over other nonagenarians? Well, for one, she's never squirted her colostomy bag at me during an argument. And secondly, The Golden Girls! And The Mary Tyler Moore show! And of course her greatest role, as the potty-mouthed old lady Mrs. Bickerman in the 1999 man-eating crocodile horror flick Lake Placid, in which she utters the two greatest lines of cinematic history: "If I had a dick, this is where I would tell you to suck it" and "Thank you, officer fuck meat."

Happily, White refused to stop there and has continued to work and rise in popularity—hence this week's NBC special, Betty White's 90th Birthday: A Tribute to America's Golden Girl (Mon Jan 16, 8 pm). Expect tons of famous guest stars to drop by, including Mary Tyler Moore (and the old MTM gang), William Shatner, Hugh Jackman, Amy Poehler, Joel McHale, Carol Burnett, and more. Plus there will be music, comedy, and a special interpretive dance performance from me titled "No, Thank YOU, Officer Fuck Meat." Wait... my performance is being bumped because the show's running late?? THE SHOW HASN'T EVEN STARTED YET!!!

Whatever. Screw you guys, screw crocodiles, and screw Officer Fuck Meat. But happy birthday, Betty White! I bought you a slew of brand-new shows debuting this week!

The Finder (Fox, Thurs Jan 12, 8 pm): An Iraq War vet gets blown up, goes into a coma, and wakes up with a talent for "finding things." I know... let's call him "THE FINDER." (Which is much better than its original title, The Finger. Shows about proctologists never work.)

¡ROB! (CBS, Thurs Jan 12, 8:30 pm): Here's that Rob Schneider sitcom you've been waiting for, and... Rob. Rob Schneider? You know... from SNL? No, not the guy who played "Mango"... you're thinking of Chris Kattan. I'm talking about Rob Schneider. The "making copies" guy? No, you're thinking of "Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer," and besides, Phil Hartman is DEAD, and... OH, JUST FREAKING FORGET IT!!!

The Fades (BBCA, Sat Jan 14, 9 pm): This limey-based supernatural thriller is about a young nerd who sees dead people—but not the sexy American Horror Story kind! These "fades" are out to destroy the world, and it's up to the nerd—and his nerd pals—to stop them! (Why is my fate always in the hands of nerds? It's disconcerting.)

Alcatraz (FOX, Mon Jan 16, 8 pm): Lost's J.J. Abrams produced this new suspense drama about creepy government shenanigans at Alcatraz prison. A brutal murder spree leads detectives to believe the crimes were committed by a former inmate... who should be 100 years old by now! (Watch out! He may squirt his colostomy bag at you! Trust me on this.)

THURSDAY, JANUARY 12

8:00 NBC 30 ROCK

Season premiere! Jenna moonlights as a hate-spewing celebrity judge while Kenneth prays for the Rapture.

8:30 NBC PARKS AND RECREATION

In an attempt to bring attention to her candidacy, Leslie stages a very unwise event.

FRIDAY, JANUARY 13

9:00 FOX FRINGE

Peter journeys to the alternate universe to see if The X Factor is any better there.

9:00 NBC GRIMM

A prisoner who survives multiple gunshots leads Nick to suspect, "Heyyyy... I think this guy might be a monster!"

SATURDAY, JANUARY 14

11:30 NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE

Clean your glasses, nerds! Harry Potter's Daniel Radcliffe is the host.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 15

8:00 NBC THE GOLDEN GLOBES

Once again hosted by the mercilessly mean Ricky Gervais, and viewed in horror by butt-sore celebs.

8:30 FOX NAPOLEON DYNAMITE

Debut! A new animated version of the movie that lost your interest nearly a decade ago.

MONDAY, JANUARY 16

8:00 FOX ALCATRAZ

Debut! Prisoners who disappeared from Alcatraz long ago reappear in the present—and they're not being nice!

TUESDAY, JANUARY 17

9:30 FOX RAISING HOPE

The entire family bites the bullet and decides to finally get their GEDs.

10:00 FX JUSTIFIED

Season premiere! Raylan goes toe-to-toe with a sadistic Dixie mafia hitman (my favorite kind).

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 18

8:00 FOX AMERICAN IDOL

Season premiere! The nation's leading cause of television-related suicides returns for their 11th season.

10:00 TLC TODDLERS & TIARAS

A pampered six-year-old will do anything to win the "Li'l Miss Spoiled B-Hole Pageant." (She's halfway there!)