There are two great joys in life: (1) The satisfying "thunk" one hears when driving an eight-inch serrated blade into the thumping heart of a marauding grizzly bear, who comes crashing out of a thicket under the very wrong assumption that the skinny-dipper standing wet and nude in front of him will be an easy "mark"—and (2) Lifetime made-for-TV movies! I've certainly celebrated my love for both these things in the past, but I must say when push comes to shove, I'd prefer a cozy evening at home watching such fantastically terrible Lifetime fare such as She Woke Up Pregnant; Mother, May I Sleep with Danger; and My Stepson, My Lover (there's usually less blood and fur involved).
So you can imagine my thrill when I learned there's a brand new and absolutely terrible Lifetime movie debuting Saturday, January 21, at 8 pm, titled Drew Peterson: Untouchable, starring (SQUEEEEEEEEE!!) Rob Lowe! (By the way, that "SQUEEEEEEEE!!" you heard wasn't me screaming—that was Rob Lowe playing the saxophone in St. Elmo's Fire.)
Based on a true story—because all the best Lifetime movies are—Rob plays Illinois ex-cop Drew Peterson, whom you may remember from the news as the guy accused of killing not one... but TWO of his four ex-wives! Unsurprisingly, Peterson denies the charges, and currently awaits trial in a Joliet detention center. BUT! The real Peterson actually sent a cease-and-desist letter to the makers of this Lifetime movie in a failed attempt to stop production—which, if you ask me, would also have been an unforgivable crime!
Seriously, Drew? Innocent or not, you'd try to stop (SQUEEEEEEEEE!!) Rob Lowe from portraying you in a movie?? Sir, I've seen pictures, and you best resemble the Cowardly Lion from The Wizard of Oz. You should be down on your knees, loudly thanking whatever god you happen to believe in that (SQUEEEEEEEEE!!) Rob Lowe agreed to portray you in a Lifetime movie. Because he looks NOTHING like you. He had to undergo countless hours of (1) intensive meathead wig fittings, (2) splotchy makeup applied to his beautiful face, and (3) a big booshy mustache being super-glued to his razor-thin upper lip—which has the unfortunate side effect of making his saxophone playing sound something like this: "MFFLPFFLEEEEEEEEE!!"
Now if you readers haven't seen the trailer for Drew Peterson: Untouchable, rush over to your closest internet, and YouTube that shit right now—because it will make you jump up and down and clap like a cheerleader tweaking on a meth binge. There's this one part when the gal who plays one of Peterson's wives is standing alone in a dark garage, and the door slooooowly rolls up to reveal (SQUEEEEEEEEE!!) Rob Lowe in his Cowardly Lion outfit, making a poor attempt to snarl, "I'm untouchable, bitch." (SQUEEEEEEEEE!!) That was me SQUEEEEEEEEEing, BTW.
Naturally, the only thing that could make this terrible movie even more enjoyably terrible would be if a nude, dripping Rob Lowe were stabbing a marauding grizzly bear in the heart with an eight-inch serrated blade, while snarling, "I'm untouchable, bear." (SQUEEEEEEEEE!!) Did I mention he's also playing the saxophone?
THURSDAY, JANUARY 19
8:30 NBC PARKS AND RECREATION
Chris (Rob Lowe... SQUEEEEEE!) tries to befriend Ron, which should make him SQUEEEEEE!—but doesn't.
10:30 FX UNSUPERVISED
Debut! A new animated sitcom from the Always Sunny gang about a pair of teens with no parental supervision!
FRIDAY, JANUARY 20
9:30 HBO ON FREDDIE ROACH
Debut! A new documentary series for boxing fans about the famous trainer and his fight against Parkinson's.
SATURDAY, JANUARY 21
8:00 LIF DREW PETERSON: UNTOUCHABLE—Movie
(2012) Rob... Lowe... is... UNSQUEEEEEEABLE!
10:00 COM JB SMOOVE: THAT'S HOW I DOOZ IT
The hilarious JB (AKA Larry David's roommate in Curb) in a stand-up comedy special.
SUNDAY, JANUARY 22
10:00 SHO HOUSE OF LIES
The gang tries to con a beverage company while having doubts about Doug's claim about banging a transvestite.
10:00 NBC PRIME SUSPECT
Season finale! The squad may be the target of a hitman—or lousy ratings. They should investigate!
MONDAY, JANUARY 23
8:00 FOX ALCATRAZ
A former child kidnapper/murderer returns, and decides to do something more constructive with his time. (Joke.)
8:00 NBC FEAR FACTOR
ATTN SADISTS: Contestants must navigate an electrified maze suspended over water, and eat disgusting stuff.
TUESDAY, JANUARY 24
8:00 DSC ALL STAR DEALERS
Debut! A new series that follows the exploits of sports memorabilia auctioneerzzzzzzzzzzzzzz....
9:00 ALL NETS STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS
President Obama addresses the nation, and asks, "Are these Republicans really my competition? Seriously?"
WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 25
8:00 HBO2 IN TAHRIR SQUARE—Documentary
(2011) Filmmakers document the 18 days in 2011 when Egypt overthrew their dictator.
9:00 FOX TOUCH
Debut! An emotionally troubled kid has the ability to see into the future, and gives this series, "three months... tops."