I'll bet you I'm the most committed gambler in the history of gambling! (No... seriously. I'll bet you.) I will bet anyone on anything. For example, I'll bet you I'll say something stupid and immature within the next three ANUS BUCKET! Ha. I win again.
I play poker, blackjack, baccarat, craps, scratch tickets... I even play that goddamn Chuck E. Cheese game with the crane where you attempt to pick up a stuffed Angry Bird. OMIGOD I HATE THAT GAME SO MUCH! But as god is my witness, Angry Bird, I will have you. I... will... have... you.
Other things I like to bet on: staring contests between a trout and me. (They don't have eyelids!) Impregnation challenges. (Women, men, doesn't matter... I have never lost.) Drag racing for pink slips. (I've occasionally lost, but since the car I'm racing with is stolen... no big whoop.) And, of course, saying something totally asinine within three BUTTHOLE FINGER STINK! Ha. Again I win.
Anyway, as an inveterate gambler, I think it's a pretty safe bet you'll like the series debut of Luck (HBO, Sun Jan 29, 9 pm). Starring Dustin Hoffman as an ex-jailbird obsessed with the ponies, Luck follows a number of story lines about life at the horse track—from the stables, trainers, and owners to the gamblers who bet it all on a nag that might just win by a nose. Created by David Milch (Deadwood, NYPD Blue), the first gorgeous episode is directed by Michael Mann (Miami Vice, Crime Story) and features Hoffman, Nick Nolte, Dennis Farina, and a virtual poop-ton of other famous faces. The rhythm might strike you as a bit slow at first—but like horse racing, the best filly always comes from behind for the win. Check it out, and I BET you'll be back. (Get it? Good, because I bet that you would. I win again.)
Anyway, back to my gambling problem: My problem with gambling is there aren't enough things to gamble on! I love betting on the ponies and dogs—but where are the other races? Such as...
Angry Monkey Races! In this spin-off of horse racing, monkeys will not be confined to an oval track. When the gun goes off, the cages are flung open, and wild starving monkeys leap into the stands in a desperate, frantic, violent search for a single banana that will be inconspicuously slipped into the back pocket of one of the spectators. The winner is the person who correctly guesses the number of life-threatening injuries (and who doesn't have the banana).
Angry Bee Races! Like Angry Monkey Races, these bees are also angry. HOWEVER! Here, a hive full of angry bees is hidden somewhere among the spectators. When the starting pistol is fired into the hive, the bees swarm everyone in attendance, while the gamblers bet on who will be the last person to make it to his or her car. The loser loses.
Angry Reader Races! Bets are placed on which I Love Television™ reader will become most infuriated after losing a bet to me. For example, I bet you I'll say something completely childish in BOOGER POOP DIAPER GRAVY! Ha. Pay up, sucker.
THURSDAY, JANUARY 26
8:00 NBC 30 ROCK
Tracy sets out to defend the world's morons in an episode aptly titled, "Idiots Are People Three!"
11:00 SHO INSIDE COMEDY
Debut! A new series featuring interviews with famous comedians about "what's funny?" Tonight: Don Rickles.
FRIDAY, JANUARY 27
9:00 NBC CHUCK
Series finale! In the final episode ever, Chuck battles the perception that this show was cancelled two years ago.
9:00 PBS GREAT PERFORMANCES
In "Tony Bennett Duets II," Tony sings with Lady Gaga, Aretha Franklin, and the late Amy Winehouse. L
SATURDAY, JANUARY 28
9:00 PBS AUSTIN CITY LIMITS
Hey hipsters! Put on your tight white pants for this live concert from Florence + the Machine and Lykke Li.
SUNDAY, JANUARY 29
9:00 HBO LUCK
Debut! Horse racing stories, including an ex-con gambler (Dustin Hoffman) and four guys praying for a big win.
9:30 VH1 ROCK DOCS: THE TRL DECADE
A look back at the influential MTV video-countdown show starring Carson Daly. Prepare to feel OLD.
MONDAY, JANUARY 30
8:00 SUN THE MORTIFIED SESSIONS
Season finale! Breaking Bad's Bryan Cranston and Community's Danny Pudi tell mortifying/true stories.
9:00 LOGO RUPAUL'S DRAG RACE
Season premiere! The fourth season return of the hilarious and FABULOUS drag reality show!
TUESDAY, JANUARY 31
8:00 FOX GLEE
The Gleetards take on the music of Michael Jackson. (OMG! Hasn't he suffered enough?!?)
10:30 COM KEY & PEELE
Debut! Funny guys and MADtv alums Keegan-Michael Key and Jordan Peele star in this new sketch comedy gig.
WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 1
8:00 CBS SUPER BOWL'S GREATEST COMMERCIALS
Because homophobic Snickers ads are SOOOOOO FUNNY! L