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Into the Donkey Abyss

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You and I are about to have a terrible conversation. It will be such a terrible conversation, you'll wish it had never happened—and that, somehow, you could build a time machine and take it back to the exact moment where life on Earth began and curb-stomp the amoeba that started it all. THAT'S how sorry you'll be about the following conversation. What subject could possibly be so terrible that it would tempt you to eradicate all life on Earth just so you would have never heard it? Two words, my friend: DONKEY... SEMEN.

That's right—run. Run as far and as fast as you can, because once we start this conversation about donkey semen, there is no turning back. You will be staring at and lured into TV's darkest abyss, from which few people ever return. And if they do return? Insanity. But they are the lucky ones.

Okay, I warned you—here we go: Last week, NBC was scheduled to broadcast an episode of Fear Factor titled "Hee Haw! Hee Haw!" and... you know there's still time to run, right? Okay, just checking. Anyway! On this particular episode of Fear Factor—which is infamous for challenging contestants to ingest increasingly disgusting things—twins Brynne and Claire Odioso were asked to drink the unimaginable: a glass of donkey semen chased by a glass of donkey urine.

Now, before we go any further, I feel it's necessary to state that it's not Fear Factor's job to police itself (it is called Fear Factor, after all)—that's the duty of its network, NBC. And up until the day it was supposed to be broadcast (January 30), NBC was understandably freaked out but seemingly on board with the donkey-semen-guzzling stunt. However, at nearly the last minute, they rightly pulled the show and aired a repeat instead. Censorship? Only if you think it's morally wrong to deny America the sight of a lady gulping down 12 ounces of viscous donkey sperm.

HOWEVER! That doesn't mean the stunt didn't happen! It most certainly did happen, and Brynne and Claire appeared on a Florida radio show to describe the semen-drinking segment in explicit detail. (Again... not too late to run. Pause. Pause. Pause. Wow. You're truly a masochist.)

So the twins were instructed to decide between themselves who would drink the donkey semen and who would drink the donkey urine—a true "Sophie's Choice," wouldn't you say? Unfortunately for Claire, she picked the short straw and slowly lifted the glass of donkey semen to her lips. Gossip site TMZ reports it this way:

"According to Claire, producers left the semen sitting out all day in the hot sun—and by the time she got to drinking it, it was boiling hot... which made the smell unbearable."

Still here? Okay, the story continues...

"Claire said it was extremely bitter going down... 'with hints of hay'—and she vomited several times before successfully drinking the entire glass."

LAST CHANCE. PREPARE TO STARE INTO THE ABYSS.

"As for how the donkey stuff compares to the human variety—Claire added, 'It's a lot thicker.'"

Welcome to the abyss. Soooo... you wanna watch New Girl?

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 9

8:00 NBC 30 ROCK

In this special hour-long episode of 30 Rock, panic ensues when Liz and Criss can't find the perfect dining room table.

9:00 NBC THE OFFICE

Dwight gets a "special assignment" at Sabre HQ—which I assume includes karate.

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 10

8:00 FOX KITCHEN NIGHTMARES

A 50-year-old restaurant with tons of character gets a modern update (read: RUINED) by Chef Ramsay.

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 11

8:00 ABC BE MY VALENTINE, CHARLIE BROWN

Charlie Brown finally receives a valentine from the little red-haired girl (and later on—unfortunately—crabs). GOOD GRIEF!!

11:30 NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE

Hosted by the cute, and inexplicably hate-able Zooey Deschanel.

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 12

9:00 AMC THE WALKING DEAD

After doing that VERY BAD (but necessary) THING before the winter break, Rick must restore order in the group.

10:00 AMC COMIC BOOK MEN

Debut! Über-nerd Kevin Smith created this reality show about a New Jersey comic book shop.

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 13

10:00 NBC SMASH

Perpetually horny director Derek makes things "hard" (GET IT??) on Karen and Ivy.

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 14

8:00 FOX GLEE

Rachel gets a visit from her two gay dads (Brian Stokes Mitchell and Jeff Goldblum)!

8:30 ABC COUGAR TOWN

Season premiere! This show is actually not terrible, guys! (Just the name's terrible.) Check it out!

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 15

8:00 CBS SURVIVOR

Season premiere! Eighteen castaways are stranded on a Samoan beach, and... WHY IS THIS SHOW STILL ON THE AIR?

10:00 ABC REVENGE

Chaos erupts at Emily's engagement party, which naturally inspires... REVENGE!

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