I Love Television™ 

That's My Joan

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What's up with you and this (heavy air quotations) "OSCARS" thing? I understand you need something to help pass the time, and masturbating for three straight hours might be a bit much—but the OSCARS? Seriously?

For those in a self-induced coma, the Academy Awards is this Sunday night (ABC, 5:30 pm, red carpet 4 pm), and you'll probably be attending an "Oscars party" in which you'll eat cheese, swirl glasses of wine while laughing haughtily, and argue vociferously over why Demián Bichir deserves an award over Jean Dujardin. I'm obviously not invited to this party because I'd spend the entire evening shooting heroin underneath my toenails and sleeping/vomiting in the crab dip.

AND I DIDN'T WANT TO COME, ANYWAY. Because I hate the Academy Awards and they hate me—which is obvious because I've yet to receive one. Besides, why would any rational person give two donkey poots whether War Horse or Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close is the better movie? They both suck chinchilla taint when compared to the greatest motion picture of all time—Bulletproof, starring Gary Busey (in which he calls all the bad guys "Butt Horn"). Second runner-up: Anything starring Lou Diamond Phillips.

OKAY! So now that you know what I won't be watching, here's what I sure as shit WILL be watching: the post-Academy Awards edition of Fashion Police (E!, Mon Feb 27, 10 pm). Starring Joan Rivers, Giuliana Rancic, Kelly Osbourne, and George Kotsiopoulos, this panel of fashion loudmouths cruelly (and truthfully) dissect the style of every celebrity egomaniac traipsing down the red carpet. Even if you don't give a flying handshake about fancy pantsies, it's easy enough to ignore the fashion critiques of Kelly, George, and Giuliana (you should especially ignore Giuliana) and simply howl in glee at the hilariously catty one-liners squirting out of Joan Rivers' yap. Here's but a small sampling of Joan's best Fashion Police quips:

On Natalie Portman's dress at the Golden Globes: "This dress is like Jonah Hill. Even in a smaller size, it's still terrible."

On Paula Abdul: "She has no taste. With all the voices in her head, you'd think one would be a gay guy going, 'NO!!'"

On Princess Beatrice at the royal wedding: "She's so desperate to get married, but she's wearing an IUD on her head."

Again at the royal wedding, in regards to Carole Middleton: "Looks like Penny Marshall—but younger and female."

On Ryan Gosling: "I read that his greatest love is an 11-year-old dog, and in human years that's about 78. So Ryan... guess who else is 78 and also likes it doggy style?"

On Katy Perry: "Even hookers would say, 'I'll wear it, mister, but I'm charging you extra.'"

And on Nicole Kidman: "What the hell is she wearing? This is proof that Keith Urban isn't gay, because no gay man would let his wife leave the house looking like this."

HAAAA!!! I love her so... much! In fact, the Oscars should present a special award to Joan entitled "Best performance by a septuagenarian who likes it doggy style." (If they give this one out, wake me up. I'll be asleep in the crab dip.)

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 23

8:30 NBC PARKS AND RECREATION

Everyone forgets Jerry's birthday, because... ugh! Jerry's the worst!

9:00 NBC THE OFFICE

It's a grisly battle to the finish when Dwight and Todd Packer compete for the same job!

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 24

9:00 FOX FRINGE

A number of devastating events could bring an end to everything. (Is this a metaphor for poor ratings?)

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 25

9:00 SYFY WITCHSLAYER GRETL—Movie

(2012) A grown-up Hansel avenges the death of his sister Gretel (played by Shannen Doherty)! EEEEEEE!!

10:00 IFC INDEPENDENT SPIRIT AWARDS

Just like the "Oscars" except everybody smokes pot. Seth Rogen hosts.

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 26

8:30 ABC THE ACADEMY AWARDS

Hosted by the waxen corpse of Billy Crystal.

9:00 AMC THE WALKING DEAD

An outsider appears, which naturally means Rick wants to save it and Shane wants to kill it.

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 27

10:00 E! FASHION POLICE: OSCARS 2012

Or as Joan Rivers said of Jennifer Lopez: "She looks like a disco ball with tits."

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 28

8:00 PBS AMERICAN EXPERIENCE

Tonight the documentary series explores the Amish: Their lifestyle! Their bu.ggies! Their sexy beards!

10:00 FX JUSTIFIED

Raylan bumps noggins with the FBI in his attempt to squash the Detroit mob.

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 29

9:00 CW AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL: BRITISH INVASION

England's Next Top Models take on the Americans to see which country is the most daft ("stupid" in Brit speak).

10:00 NGC AMERICAN WEED

Someone robbed the local marijuana shop, and for some reason, the owners suspect "potheads."

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