Jeremy Eaton

News flash: Republicans are dumb. And not just dumb in the way people who still watch American Idol are dumb—Republicans are deeply, instinctively dumb. Their dumbness comes from deep within—a probable genetic malady—that forces them to immediately dismiss common sense, say ridiculous things, and endanger the entire human race (of which, unfortunately, they are members).

Example! This coming Saturday at 9 pm on HBO is the debut of the TV movie Game Change, which documents 2008 Republican nominee John McCain's (played by Ed Harris) fateful—and wildly dumb—decision to choose Sarah Palin (Julianne Moore) as his running mate.

According to reports from smart people who have seen it, Game Change (based on the book by Mark Halperin and John Heilemann) is a terrific movie that's well acted and a must see. However, while the rise and fall of Sarah Palin constitutes a huge part of the film, the script actually focuses on political strategist Steve Schmidt (Woody Harrelson), who inspired McCain to choose the Alaska governor and later came to really, REALLY regret that dumb decision. (Like I said... the problem may be genetic.)

Another reason to watch this movie? Republicans are frantically trying to STOP you from watching it. Without even seeing the film (of course—because that would destroy their thesis), Palin aides have been in an uproar, calling Game Change "sick" and "inaccurate," and claiming HBO has "distorted, twisted, and invented facts to create a false narrative and attract viewers." And while Palin has refused comment on the subject, Senator McCain is calling it just another attack from "the liberal media" (that's me, BTW). "[People] ask me if I'm going to watch it," McCain told GOP media partner Fox News, "And I tell them it'll be a cold day in Gila Bend, Arizona." (Apparently Gila Bend is quite warm? The GOP sure knows how to tell a J-O-K-E!)

Meanwhile, Mark Vafiades—former president of the Hollywood Republicans, who also hasn't seen Game Change—chimed in with his accusations of liberal bias. "Obviously Hollywood wants to do whatever they can to discredit the right and the Republicans."

OH, BOO-HOO-HOO! What a bunch of buttsore crybabies! Why is it that I never hear "weak-willed welfare recipients" cry as much as these hypersensitive Nancies? But let's entertain these blubbering bellyachers for a moment: Is Game Change biased? DUH, YES, DUMMIES. While based on a book describing historical facts, it's still a dramatic re-creation of events. (One that most logical people would agree needs to be compressed into a two-hour block of entertainment—unless of course we want to watch a movie that's three months long.)

But here's the simple concept that seems to bewilder most Republicans: One can possess "facts" and "bias" at the same time. In fact, "facts" often lead to "bias"... For example! One can possess the "facts" that Sarah Palin was chosen for the veep position at practically the last moment, with very little vetting, and possessing minuscule political experience. Therefore, given these facts, I am "biased" toward the opinion that maybe... just maybe... she had no business being there, and that the Republicans who chose her were deeply, instinctively, genetically DUMB.

But what do I know? I'm biased.

THURSDAY, MARCH 8

8:00 NBC 30 ROCK

When Kenneth joins the "standards and practices" department, Liz hates his standards AND practices.

8:30 NBC PARKS AND RECREATION

In the winter finale, Leslie scores a big interview on a local TV show, and... this isn't going to end well, is it?

FRIDAY, MARCH 9

10:00 E! FASHION POLICE

Joan Rivers and the gang now have a full hour to mercilessly and cruelly criticize your fashion. YAY!

10:30 IFC C OMEDY BANG! BANG!

Debut! Scott Aukerman brings his comedy podcast to TV with jokes! Skits! Guests! (And I suppose) COMEDY!

SATURDAY, MARCH 10

11:30 NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE

Tonight featuring Jonah Hill with musical guests the Shins!

SUNDAY, MARCH 11

9:00 AMC THE WALKING DEAD

Something wicked is prowling around the farm... and I'll bet five bucks it's Grandpa Dale's eyebrows!

10:00 BRAVO SHAHS OF SUNSET

Debut! Another reality show from the man who brought you the Kardashians. Damn you, Ryan Seacrest!!

MONDAY, MARCH 12

8:00 ABC THE BACHELOR

Season finale! Ben must make his final choice and answer the eternal question: Go with herpes or syphilis?

10:00 NBC SMASH

Ivy's vocal problems give Karen an opportunity to steal her role. Meow!! Meow!! CAT FIGHT.

TUESDAY, MARCH 13

9:00 FOX NEW GIRL

Schmidt goes on strike when the rest of his dick housemates refuse to pull their weight.

9:30 NBC FASHION STAR

Debut! Another Project Runway rip-off, featuring 14 designers squaring off to... SNOOOOOOORE!!!

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 14

10:00 TLC MY CRAZY OBSESSION

Tonight! A man who parents 5,000 Cabbage Patch Kids. THE DOLLS!!