Jeremy Eaton

My mom is the worst. Not in the way Rush Limbaugh or Hitler are the worst—but still... the worst. She's not the kind of mother who steals and smokes your meth, or uses your forearm as an ashtray. She's the kind of mom who murders you... with embarrassment. Example: When I was 16, I had a lustrous, full head of hair that would rival Fabio's. It was the kind of hair that, when sexily tossed in the vicinity of any female, acted as an automatic panty-moistening agent. In fact, my hair inspired a three-year scientific study to develop an ANTI-panty-moistening agent to lessen the nether-moisturizing effect of my brown, flowing locks. Ultimately all their work was for naught—because eventually strategic portions of my gorgeous hair fell out, making my forehead almost double in size, thereby turning my head into nature's own anti-panty-dampener. Life is the worst.

Anyway! One day, back when my wavy, touchable hair was at the peak of its hirsutical perfection, I was entertaining a gaggle of young hormonally engorged ladies in my living room by repeatedly tossing my locks in a carefree fashion. (I may have also been playing Barry Manilow's "Mandy" on the guitar.) So you can understand my shock and horror when MY MOTHER crept up from behind, and started nonchalantly picking at my scalp.

"MOOOOOOM!" I not-at-all whined. "What are you doing??"

"Nothing," she said in a matter-of-fact tone. "I'm looking for head lice."

I can still hear the shrieking peals of laughter from my female guests, and the deep sucking sound of moisture being evacuated from their nethers.

Perhaps my mother wouldn't have ruined my one chance at a foursome had she known my forehead would double in size within the next few years. Or perhaps she would've—because as mentioned earlier... SHE'S THE WORST.

Here's another mom who's the worst... Ashley Judd as the mom in the upcoming ABC action/adventure drama Missing (debuting Thurs March 15, 8 pm). Ashley plays middle-aged mom Becca Winstone, whose son is supposed to be studying in Europe, but is actually screwing around being kidnapped! (Kids these days....) Naturally, Mama Becca hightails it to Italy where she finds her son's empty apartment and... an assassin! Good thing Mom is also an ex-CIA agent (did I forget to mention that?), which is very helpful when kicking assassin ass. Obviously deadly shenanigans are afoot, which means Mom is gonna have to scour the entirety of Europe for her boy, beating the crap out of bad guys, and occasionally hysterically sobbing, "I am not CIA—I am a MOTHER! Looking for her SON!"

Unngghhh!! She's the WORST. If there's anything more humiliating than being kidnapped by a bunch of swarthy terrorists, it's having your ex-CIA mother running around Europe trying to rescue you. I'm so glad I'm not that poor kid! Breaking people's necks, engaging in scooter chases through Rome, and randomly screaming "SON! WHERE... ARE... YOUUUUU???" is not exactly a panty dampener—and would kind of make me beg the kidnappers to kill me. So again... thanks a pant-load, Mom! This time you've embarrassed me... to DEATH. Literally!

(P.S., I still don't have lice.)

Humpy's Twitter Feed: totally unfair and biased. @WmSteveHumphrey

THURSDAY, MARCH 15

8:00 NBC COMMUNITY

Return! Troy and Abed face the biggest challenge of their lives... acting normal.

8:30 NBC 30 ROCK

On St. Patrick's Day Dennis returns to offer Liz his shillelagh (and by that he of course means "penis").

FRIDAY, MARCH 16

8:00 TOON STAR WARS: THE CLONE WARS

Obi-Wan is forced to take drastic measures when Maul and Savage... zzzzzz. When does Spock show up?!?

SATURDAY, MARCH 17

9:00 SYFY LEPRECHAUN'S REVENGE—Movie

(2012) A leprechaun goes on a murder spree when humans steal his gold! (Does that mean I can keep his Lucky Charms?)

10:00 VH1 POP-UP VIDEO JERSEY SHORE

Because it's important to have pop-up reminders when Snooki is drunk and choking on her own vomit.

SUNDAY, MARCH 18

9:00 AMC THE WALKING DEAD

Season finale! Rick and Carl return to the farm, and are surprised to discover "zombies" are the newest crop.

10:00 HBO EASTBOUND AND DOWN

Kenny throws the mother of all Fourth of July parties! BYOBS! (Bring your own burn salve.)

MONDAY, MARCH 19

8:00 ABC DANCING WITH THE STARS

Season premiere! Apparently there's a brand-new cast, but all I care about is one person: URKEL.

10:00 NBC SMASH

Ivy's confidence is shattered when her mom searches her scalp for head lice.

TUESDAY, MARCH 20

9:00 FOX NEW GIRL

Jess agrees to go out with a wealthy, dreamy older man. OH, POOR BABY!

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 21

9:00 NBC BENT

Debut! A divorcee develops a hot 'n' horny relationship with her contractor in this actually kind of funny new sitcom.

10:00 A&E DUCK DYNASTY

Debut! A new reality show about millionaire hillbillies who own a duck-calling company. Okay, now I've seen everything.