I Love Television™ 

I'm Gonna Wiki That

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If you're anything like me, you no longer have time in your busy life for any donkey plop. That's why I'm willing to share what is perhaps the most revolutionary time-saving device humanity has ever created. It's called... "Wikipedia."

NOW, BEFORE YOU GROAN AND ACCUSE ME OF BEING OLDER THAN MATLOCK, LISTEN UP, HALF-WIT. I fully realize Wikipedia has been around for years and is used a billion times every day by everybody. But no one has ever realized the full potential of Wikipedia... until now. Until... ME.

Consider the following scenario: Every nerd in America is reading The Hunger Games, right? I have two responses to this: (1) That's a children's book—what is wrong with you people? And (2) I'm an adult, ergo I don't read children's books. HOWEVER! I do like to have sex with adults who read children's books—or any adult, for that matter. That's why I feign reading baby books like The Hunger Games. How? I WIKI THAT POOP! So even though I haven't read a single page of it, I learned enough from Wikipedia to trick some gullible nerd into the sack—AND saved precious hours in the process!

Example two: The TV series Justified. I had exactly zero interest in this series when it first started, and therefore skipped the first two seasons. BUT THEN! A couple of my nondumb friends insisted it was great, so I hopped into the third season, and sure enough... I LOVE IT. However! Do I love it enough to go back and watch the previous two seasons? HELL TO THE UNH-UNH. Takes too much time, man. Time that could be used to bone four-eyed YA nerds. So what do I do? I WIKI THAT POOP. And now? Not only do I know exactly what happened in the first two seasons, but I also saved enough time to create a Hunger Games fan site (celebrating a book I've never read), which has upped my YA boneage stats a whopping 37 percent!!

This is exactly why I encourage you to go ahead and watch the fifth-season premiere of AMC's Mad Men, this coming Sunday (March 25) at 9 pm—even if you've never seen a single episode! Just take 15 minutes and WIKI THAT POOP. You'll learn everything you ever wanted to know about Don Draper, his frosty ex-wife Betty, his lispy kid Sally, his business partner Roger, his nerdy assistant (and probable YA lover) Peggy, and boobalicious office manager Joan. In fact, other than seeing Joan's magnificent breasts—which you can also Wiki, by the way—YOU WILL NOT HAVE MISSED A THING. Oh! Except for maybe the amazing scene in season three, episode six where an annoying Limey gets his foot run over by a lawn mower. (Wiki "foot amputation.")

I know what you're thinking: "Oh, you poor misguided Humpy! Don't you realize that by using Wikipedia as a substitute for reading books or watching TV, you're not actually experiencing these art forms? Wikipedia synopses aren't the same as taking the journey!" Huh? What's that? Sorry, I'm currently boning a hot YA geek. Tell you what: You keep talking, and I'll Wiki this conversation later.

THURSDAY, MARCH 22

8:00 NBC COMMUNITY

When Jeff starts taking anti-anxiety medicine, he goes into a narcissistic coma!

9:00 FOX TOUCH

Kiefer Sutherland stars as a dad trying to reach his troubled son. (When's he gonna start torturing somebody??)

FRIDAY, MARCH 23

9:00 FOX FRINGE

A killer targets "love," which forces the team to reconsider the notion of "emotionless sex."

SATURDAY, MARCH 24

9:00 ANI TOO CUTE!

Tonight's hard-hitting edition of Too Cute! focuses on a problem we all want to avoid: Super-fluffy puppies.

SUNDAY, MARCH 25

9:00 AMC MAD MEN

Season premiere! Don is faced with a life-changing surprise. (Let me guess... lung cancer?)

11:30 TOON LOITER SQUAD

Debut! Sketch comedy, pranks, and general hilarity from the African American funny-guy troupe Odd Future!

MONDAY, MARCH 26

8:00 FOX ALCATRAZ

Season finale! Rebecca discovers something beneath Alcatraz, which could reveal why this show is so boring.

10:00 NBC SMASH

Derek considers stealing the musical, before remembering, "Who would ever want a Broadway musical??"

TUESDAY, MARCH 27

9:00 FOX NEW GIRL

Schmidt and Cece's secret sexy relationship is discovered, which is tantamount to a nuclear holocaust.

10:00 FX JUSTIFIED

Watch Raylan face off against two Detroit hit men! (Or you know... Wiki it.)

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 28

8:30 NBC ARE YOU THERE, CHELSEA?

Season finale! It's probably the final episode for Are You There, Chelsea? because we don't want her to be.

9:00 NBC BENT

Charlie is being bullied at school, which inspires a plan of vengeance from Walt and Screwsie. (I love that name!)

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