Dear Jeff Foxworthy,
Wm.™ Steven Humpy here—whom I'm sure you're already very familiar with. I, of course, know you as the creator of the "You might be a redneck..." line of not very funny jokes, the host of Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?, and as the early '90s equivalent to Larry the Cable Guy. HOWEVER! I heard through the TV grapevine that you have a new gig—as the host of a Game Show Network quiz show called The American Bible Challenge (just starting production). WHOOPTY-WHOOP PLAYA, WHAAAAA???
According to the GSN press release, contestants will be quizzed on their knowledge of the Bible, while "playing for a worthy faith-based organization." Naturally that last part is terrifying, because the goals of most "faith-based organizations" revolve around making life absolutely unbearable for those who don't share their faith—BUT I DIGRESS. In the same press release, you also said, "[This show is] an opportunity to present the Bible in a fun and entertaining way."
Jeff Foxworthy? YOUR NEW BIBLE QUIZ SHOW IS STUPID AND DESTINED FOR FAILURE. Why? Because it's boring as shit, and will only appeal to the "self-satisfied, judgmental Christian" demographic. (Of which there are actually fewer than one might expect. The total number of actual Bible-thumping, ruin-your-life Christians in America is like my penis: loud—but small.)
HOWEVER! Since all I care about is good TV, I'm happy to offer a few FAN-FREAKING-TASTIC ideas to make this stinker of a show more watchable. TO WIT:
IDEA ONE! When a contestant answers incorrectly, he/she falls through a trap door into an actual lake of fire. IDEA TWO! The show's announcer dresses up like Jesus, and sits there loudly chuckling at all of your (Jeff's) jokes. IDEA THREE! Add a category called "Justify That Bible Quote," in which the contestant has to explain away an obviously immoral Bible verse. For example: "Happy those who seize your children and smash them against a rock" (Psalm 137:9). That's fawked up, yo. IDEA FOUR! You (Jeff) should wear a devil costume, and whenever a contestant answers correctly, you yell, "CURSES! YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN MY HOUSE!" IDEA FIVE! The second-place winner is stuck in purgatory (i.e., forced to live in an onstage cage with all the past second-place losers until the show is eventually cancelled. Shouldn't take more than six weeks.). IDEA SIX! The winner is lifted via a cherry picker (disguised as a "cloud") up to "heaven," where someone dressed as "God" shakes the victor's hand and creepily gropes them as the credits roll. (Either that, or they can be thrown to the lions. For Christians, "martyrdom" equals "winning.") IDEA SEVEN! The audience should be made up entirely of gays and atheists, who will mercilessly heckle you and the contestants until everyone bursts into tears.
Jeff Foxworthy! While I don't actively wish for anyone to fail (that is, of course, a blatant lie), if you do not use my fan-freaking-tastic suggestions there's no way this stupid show is gonna fly. Or as God so aptly put it, "I don't even exist, and this is the stupidest idea I've ever heard."
Sincerely yours, Wm.™ Steven Hump-Me.
THURSDAY, MARCH 29
8:00 NBC COMMUNITY
Abed and Troy fight over who has the best "blanket fort." Which is a perfectly normal thing for them to do.
10:00 MTV PUNK'D
Return! The Ashton Kutcher-helmed prank show is back—substituting annoying Kutcher with other annoying celebs.
FRIDAY, MARCH 30
9:00 CBS CSI: NY
Spring premiere! A lab tech is murdered, and the case shares eerie similarities with every other CSI episode you've ever seen.
SATURDAY, MARCH 31
8:00 NBC ESCAPE ROUTES
Debut! An hour-long car race competition, which is actually an hour-long commercial for the Ford Escape. (GET IT?)
9:00 SYFY SEATTLE SUPERSTORM—Movie
(2012) A goddamn UFO crashes causing all sorts of weather problems for Seattle. (Learn to drive, UFOs!)
SUNDAY, APRIL 1
8:00 AMC THE KILLING
Season premiere! The frustratingly kind-of-great show returns, now promising to be 60 percent less frustrating!
9:00 HBO GAME OF THRONES
Season premiere! Something something "Seven Kingdoms," something something "Tyrion."
MONDAY, APRIL 2
10:00 NBC SMASH
The producer wants the writers to come up with a new name for the musical. (Marilyn-sanity! has already been rejected.)
TUESDAY, APRIL 3
8:00 NGC DOOMSDAY PREPPERS
Season finale! Let me guess... everybody dies?
11:00 MTV SAVAGE U
Debut! Sex advice mogul Dan Savage takes his words of wisdom to college kids in this new show that looks too good for MTV!
WEDNESDAY, APRIL 4
8:00 CW ONE TREE HILL
Series finale! Say farewell to the show you thought was canceled four years ago.
8:30 NBC BEST FRIENDS FOREVER
Debut! A divorcee moves back in with her old roomie—who now has a dubious boyfriend! Interpersonal hijinks ensue.