As you can probably guess, I don't feel ashamed about much. I'm not even ashamed of the following: (1) That thing I did one time involving a goat. (2) The time I sort of stuck my something into someone's something else. (3) When I impersonated someone, stole their something, and did something extremely dirty with their toothbrush. (4) Put something in my mouth that I was explicitly warned not to put in there. (Okay fine, it was Funyuns).
Again, I have no shame regarding these things—but most of these tales do involve some sort of advanced illegality or could possibly get me killed... hence the lack of detail. HOWEVER. There is one thing I've never publicly admitted—because every time I've shared this information with friends or family members, they were simply AGHAST and begged me to never share it with another living soul.
Unfortunately, I can no longer hide the truth. What follows is Wm.™ Steven Humphrey's greatest shame.
(Dramatic pause.) I enjoy the Fox comedy New Girl.
Don't judge meeeeeee!! And before you slam this paper shut, burn it with gasoline, and undergo hypnosis to forever wipe the memory of me and my admission from your mind, rest assured I have three very good reasons for loving New Girl.
REASON #1: Not Zooey Deschanel. Let's be honest, New Girl star Zooey Deschanel is the primary reason everyone treats this show like a leper with genital warts the size of hamburgers. Zooey is cute, apparently nice, and a good actor. And yet? She's so... so... "precious." And... and... "indie/hipster/emo." And... and... "wacky." AND SHE'S NAMED "ZOOEY," FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST. So I agree with you: What is there to like? As it turns out, everything else. For example...
REASON #2: The rest of the cast! While the first few episodes focused heavily on Zooey's character, Jess, these days they're spotlighting the rest of the ensemble—who, by the way, are the best on television (and yes, that even includes you, Community). Jess' three roomies (played by Jake M. Johnson, Lamorne Morris, and Max Greenfield) work together like a highly advanced, well-oiled Giggletron—the technical term for a "laff machine"—and their mutual chemistry is undefeatable. HOWEVER! One actor does stand out from the crowd, and that's...
REASON #3: Max Greenfield as "Schmidt." Hands down, this guy is currently my favorite actor on television. As the insecure douchebag Schmidt, Greenfield kicks all sorts of ass, making an impossible-to-like loser absolutely adorable, hilarious, and (unlike Zooey) likeable. Plus! He also played the dreamy Deputy Leo D'Amato in Veronica Mars, which alone deserves a SQUEEEEEE!!! Even if you despise Zooey, you should check out Schmidt and give New Girl (Fox, Tuesdays, 9 pm) just one more chance!
And for those who already love New Girl? It's time to come out of the closet! The only way we can bury this shame is to bring it into the light—so join hands with me, won't you? Now repeat after me: Goddamnit, I love me some New Girl (and especially Schmidt) and I don't care who knows it!!
(Confidential to that goat: Once again, I am so sorry.)
Follow me (and my shame) on Twitter! @WmSteveHumphrey
THURSDAY, APRIL 5
8:00 NBC COMMUNITY
The war between Abed and Troy reaches the point where lazy Jeff is forced to intervene!
10:00 ABC SCANDAL
Debut! A comedy/drama about a crisis management firm that works to save the reputations of scuzzbags. Nice.
FRIDAY, APRIL 6
9:00 NBC GRIMM
Nick's romantic getaway with Juliette is ruined by neighbors who are absolute monsters. Seriously, real monsters!
SATURDAY, APRIL 7
7:00 ABC THE TEN COMMANDMENTS—Movie
(1956) The film version based on the best-selling fiction of God.
11:30 NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE
Hosted by Modern Family's sexy Sofía Viagra... did I say "Viagra"? I meant "Vergara."
SUNDAY, APRIL 8
9:00 AMC THE KILLING
Stan's involvement with the mob becomes "troublesome" because... when is it not?
10:00 AMC MAD MEN
Don encounters someone from his past—which either means "danger time" or "sexy time."
MONDAY, APRIL 9
10:00 TLC MAMA'S BOYS OF THE BRONX
Debut! A new reality series about grown Italian men who still live with their mothers. (What? No midgets or 19 kids??)
TUESDAY, APRIL 10
9:00 FOX NEW GIRL
Jess invites over her new boyfriend who immediately falls in love with Schmidt. (Who can blame him?!?)
10:00 FX JUSTIFIED
Season finale! A friend of Raylan's is murdered, which means a heapin' helpin' of "uh-oh" is on the way.
WEDNESDAY, APRIL 11
9:30 ABC DON'T TRUST THE BITCH IN APARTMENT 23
Debut! A new sitcom featuring a nice roomie, an evil roomie, and James Van Der Beek (starring as himself)! SQUEEE!!
10:00 ABC REVENGE: FROM THE BEGINNING
An hour-long recap of all the double-crossing hijinks you've missed (probably intentionally).