"Never again!" reader Thomas G. Mcree of Florida angrily writes.
Dear Wm. Steven Humphrey. Your article is one of the most offensive and vulgar articles I have ever read in a public publication that is out for anyone to pick up free. If you are on an airplane, as I have been, with a major problem, when normal people start praying for the Lord from disaster, are you still going to make fun of them? I think you will pray with the rest of the people.—Thomas G. Mcree
For those just arriving, Thomas' anger is ejaculating from my recent column titled "Dear Jeff Foxworthy" [March 29], which made merciless fun of the redneck comedian, his new Bible quiz show, and... I was going to say "God," but since he doesn't exist, it's kind of hard to make fun of him. But that certainly doesn't stop me from trying, does it?
HOWEVER! Thomas brings up a fascinating question: If I were involved in some sort of disaster—an actual disaster, not just running out of Totino's pizza rolls—would I suddenly panic and pray alongside the "normal" people?
Mmmmmmmmmmmm... sure. Why not? HOWEVER! I'm pretty sure my "praying" would sound a lot like "yelling"—because after all, if God does exist and he dropped a disaster in my lap, I certainly wouldn't be singing his praises. I'D BE PISSED, and praying something like this: "Oh my YOU, you're the worst god... like ever! I get that you hate me—but you're also trying to kill Thomas G. Mcree and all the other dumb-butt Christians who actually believe you exist? YOU, SIR, ARE A JERK."
Obviously, I'm a terrible person to have around during a disaster. Which is why if there is a god, he's certainly not going to allow me anywhere around his followers—especially during a cataclysm. And thusly? I SHALL LIVE... FOREVER!!!
Speaking of disasters, did you know that this Sunday marks the anniversary of the sinking of the Titanic? And if there's anyone who loves Titanic disaster porn more than God, it's TV! That means there's a butt-load of specials this weekend gleefully remembering the tragedy. There's Rebuilding Titanic (National Geographic Channel, Sunday, April 15, 10 am) about some engineers who didn't get the hint the first time God tried to drown these people. There's also Titanic at 100: Mystery Solved (History Channel, Sunday April 15, 8 pm), which I can sum up for you in three words: God did it. And finally there's the ABC miniseries Titanic (Saturday April 14, 8 pm), which dramatically reenacts the tragedy without endangering Kate Winslet or Leo DiCaprio. (Good, because I'm tired of God drowning Leo!)
Man! God reeeeeally hated those Titanic guys. The maiden voyage of the fanciest luxury ship of its time... and God dickishly drops an iceberg in front of it? Obviously this was his way of preemptively punishing us for global warming. God thinks he's all clever and ironic like that. That is WHEN HE'S NOT MURDERING CHRISTIANS. (Seriously, Thomas G. Mcree! What do you see in this guy?? He's worse than Chris Brown!)
Follow me on Twitter! (I'm disaster proof!) @WmSteveHumphrey